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    Dog On Demand

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I need some help.”

    Me: “Of course, sir. How can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want to buy a dog.”

    Me: “We don’t sell dogs or cats here. Our company has a policy against it because of the number of unwanted dogs in animal shelters.”

    Customer: “What the h*** are you talking about? Of course you sell dogs, they’re right there!”

    Me: “Actually, that’s our grooming salon, where customers can bring their pets for a haircut or bath. Would you like me to show you the adoption computer?”

    Customer: “It’s nice that you’re making the dogs pretty for me. Now, when can I see them?”

    Me: “Those dogs belong to other people sir. It’s the grooming salon.”

    Customer: *sighs* “Fine, I get it. They’re all sold.”

    (The customer sees a woman walking by with a Labrador on a leash.)

    Customer: “I’ll take that one then. I can get a discount since it’s a floor model, right?”

    Not Exactly The Pick Of The Litter

    | Dearborn, MI, USA |

    Customer: “I’m looking for the right kind of food for my new rottweiler puppy.”

    Me: “No problem, I’d be happy to help you. And since your little guy here is a large breed dog, he needs to stay on the puppy food for two years before switching to the adult formula.”

    Customer: “Large breed?”

    Me: “Yes, this little guy is a rottweiler mix. He will probably be around 90-110 pounds.”

    Customer: “Oh…so if I keep him on puppy food, will he stay small like this?”

    Fido’s Fashion Emergency

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store], how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, operator. Can you please connect me to [pet store]?”

    Me: “This is [pet store], ma’am.”

    Customer: “[Pet store]! I NEED TO BE CONNECTED TO [pet store]!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is [pet store].”

    Customer: “[Pet store!] I NEED TO BE CONNECTED IMMEDIATELY, IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

    Me: “Ma’am, this is [pet store]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh, this is [pet store]? I’d like to buy a doggie sweater.”

    How About A Chia Pet Instead

    | San Diego, CA, USA |

    (I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

    Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

    Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

    Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

    Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

    Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

    Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

    Customer, to husband: “I don’t need any vitamins!”

    Customer’s husband: “Well, what about food?”

    Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

    Bird Brained, Part 5

    | Keene, NH, USA |

    Customer: “Your bird bit my kid.”

    Me: “Well, the birds can’t reach their beaks through the cages. Did your son have his finger in the cage?”

    Customer: “Yeah. Well, there’s nothing telling you not to.”

    Me: “Sometimes they get scared when you poke your fingers into their cages, and the only way they know how to tell you is to nip you.”

    Child: “Oh, okay. I bet he was just scared.”

    Customer: “You should put up some signs in here telling people your birds bite!”

    (I show the customer the signs posted on each and every bird cage asking customers not to poke fingers into the cages as the birds may bite, as well as the additional two on the doors entering the bird room.)

    Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! How do you know I can read?”

    Related:
    Bird Brained
    Bird Brained, Part 2
    Bird Brained, Part 3
    Bird Brained, Part 4

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