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  • Using The Lord’s Name Doesn’t Deliver
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    The Lesser Of Two Buttocks

    | Saint Clair Shores, MI, USA |

    Caller: “I’m finding out that hamsters like to move around a lot. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?”

    Me: “What seems to be the problem with the hamsters?”

    Caller: “Well, I don’t like it when they move suddenly. It scares me. And I don’t like their rears.”

    Me: “Their…rears?”

    Customer: “Yes, their rears! I don’t like it when they don’t face me. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?”

    Me: “Well, we have tarantulas… they mostly just sit there and move slowly and rarely.”

    Caller: “What’s a tarantula?”

    Me: “It’s kind of a big hairy spider.”

    (Suddenly, it sounds as if the phone has hit the ground. A few moments later…)

    Customer: “I think I’ll stick with hamsters.”

    Name Brain Drain

    | United Kingdom |

    (A customer reads my name tag.)

    Customer: “That’s a strange name isn’t it?”

    Me: “Heh.”

    Customer: “How do you pronounce that? Tain-ee…Trenay? Seriously, what is that? Welsh? Irish?”

    Me: “Uhm…”

    Customer: “It sounds really exotic, really foreign.”

    Me: “No no, I am a Trainee. Trainee isn’t my name.”

    Customer: “Ohh, right. Well, thanks for the help, Train-ee!”

    From Gills To Godly

    | Nanuet, NY, USA |

    Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

    Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

    (The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

    Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

    Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

    Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

    Customer: “No. You must pray.”

    Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

    Customer: “You must pray.”

    Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

    Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

    (It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

    Cryogenic Chirpers

    | Springfield, IL, USA |

    (A customer is trying to find something else for her lizard to eat so she doesn’t need to buy live crickets so often.)

    Me: “Well, we do have this can of freeze-dried crickets. I don’t know how well your gecko will take to them, but it may be worth a shot?”

    Customer: “OK…so how do I bring them back to life? Add water?”

    Me: “No…they’re dead.”

    You No Challenge Tarzan

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

    Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

    Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

    Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

    Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

    (I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

    Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

    Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*


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