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    Hiss-terical Contest

    | London, UK | Pets & Animals, Top

    (It is closing time. I come across a man in the reptile section staring intently at one of our pythons.)

    Me: “Sir, just to let you know, the store will be closing in about–”

    (The customer silences me and continues to watch the snake.)

    Me: “Sir, did you–”

    Customer: “I heard you. I’ll be out in a minute. This brat mcan’t last much longer.”

    (The snake moves to the side, and so does the customer. It slithers back to its original position and he  suite. I notice his eyes are quivering all this time and he hasn’t blinked once.)

    Me: “Sir, forgive my asking but are you trying to have a staring contest with Archie there?”

    Customer: “Yes.”

    Me: “You do know snakes can’t blink, right?”

    Customer: “Oh, now you tell me? I’ve been challenging this brat for the last ten minutes!”

    If It Walks Like A Duck And Quacks Like A Fish

    | Vancouver, BC, Canada |

    Customer: “I think my dog is allergic to this food I bought here.”

    Me: “That’s too bad. Would you like to exchange it for another kind?”

    Customer: “It’s the fish in it. I thought fish was good for dogs.”

    Me: “It is unless they are allergic to it, every dog is different. Why don’t you try this one? It has duck in it.”

    Customer: “Duck? Duck is fish!”

    Me: “No, it’s not.”

    Customer: “Well, what is it then?”

    Me: “Ducks are birds.”

    Customer: “But they go in the water!”

    Go Flush

    | Connecticut, USA |

    Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

    Customer: “I need some more goldfish. I keep losing them.”

    Me: “You lose them? How do you lose your goldfish?”

    Customer: “They keep escaping when I clean the tank.”

    Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand. How do they escape?”

    Customer: “Well, when I clean the tank I put ‘em in the toilet. When I come back, one of them’s always swum down the hole!”

    Me: “I’m going to need to go over a few things with you before I sell you the fish.”

    Reincarnavian

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

    Customer: “I need to buy this bird.”

    Me: “Ok, have you ever had a bird before?”

    Customer: “I’ve had THIS bird before! I need to have this bird! My bird died last week and this bird tells me that he is my bird reincarnated! I need to have this bird.”

    Me: “The bird told you?”

    Customer: “How else would I know?”

    Pray She Hasn’t Got A Cat Called Tom

    | Chicago, IL, USA |

    Customer: “I want a hamster!”

    Me: “Do you have bedding, a cage, and food?”

    Customer: “I need all that stuff?”

    Me: “Where did you think he would live?”

    Customer: *completely serious* “I though I would just feed them cheese and have them live in the hole in my wall like in the cartoons.”

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