(A middle aged couple come into the tropical fish section and ask me about their algae-eating fish.)
Customer: "Hello, we bought some algae eaters a while back, and they died after about 2 weeks. We bought some more and they did exactly the same after 2 weeks and we were just wondering what could have been wrong with them?"
Me: "What have you been feeding them?"
Customer: "Nothing, we thought they ate the algae."
Me: "They do, if there’s enough to go around."
Customer: “Oh dear. Well they did keep the glass awfully clear."
(I notice a customer standing in our fish department examining the turtle tank.)
Me: “Hello. Do you need help sir?”
Customer: “Oh, I was just looking at your turtles. I have some at home and I’ve been wanting to put goldfish in with them. Can I do that?”
Me: “You can, but turtles will usually eat goldfish.”
(He looks genuinely upset at this fact.)
Customer: “Oh. Well can’t I just put a sign in the tank that says ‘Don’t Eat The Goldfish’ so the turtles will know?”
Me: “Sir, turtles can’t read.”
Customer: “They can’t?”
Customer: “Hmm. Well, that’s upsetting.”
(A young woman approaches the front register with a dead Siamese fighting fish in a cup.)
Customer: “I want a refund on my fish. All the fish I buy here keep dying! This is my 3rd replacement. I don’t understand what could be wrong except that you sell sick fish!”
Me: “I’m very sorry for that miss. I assure you we give all of our animals, including our fish, excellent care. Could you describe to me anything you noticed wrong with your fish before it passed away?”
Customer: “Well when I first get one it’s completely fine. I change the water once a week, add water conditioner, and it seems happy and healthy. Then, after a couple of weeks it starts looking really sickly and one day it just dies for no apparent reason.”
Me: “Ok, well what were you feeding it? Was it eating well?”
Customer:“Feeding it? These kind of fish eat?”
Me: “Yes of course they do. Everything needs to eat.”
Customer: “Wow, really?! I thought they just ate the water.”
Me: “Oh, what kind of pet do you have?
Customer: “Parakeets. I think one of them is pregnant. I saw them having sex the other day.”
Me: “Birds don’t get pregnant, they lay eggs. In fact, I used to have a female parakeet that would lay eggs all the time.”
Customer: “Did they ever hatch?”
Me: “No, she lived by herself, so they weren’t fertilized.”
Customer: “Oh, is that what the male is for?”
Asking The Eggs-pert
Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”
Customer: “No, just the bird seed will do.”
Me: “Alright then.”
(Moments later, a similar bird call comes from the other end of the store.)
Me: “What was that?”
Customer: “Oh that’s my wife. We do that so we can always find each other wherever we go.”
Early Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4
Bird Brained, Part 5