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    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

    Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

    Me: “9 pm, sir.”

    Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

    Me: “Of course I can.”

    Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

    Related:
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    Moronnium Falcon

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

    Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

    Me: “Well, no.”

    Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

    Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

    Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

    Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

    Bad Karma Chameleons

    | Honolulu, HI, USA | Pets & Animals

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do you sell live crickets?”

    Me: “They’re bought as food for Jackson Chameleons, birds, and other animals. They have to be sold live because Jackson Chameleons have poor eyesight and can only see their food if it’s moving.”

    Customer: “That’s terrible! So they’re just going to die?”

    Me: “Well, chameleons have to eat, too. But it’s okay. It happens so fast that the crickets won’t see it coming.”

    Customer: “That’s so cruel! Why doesn’t someone tell them?! If I was going to be eaten, I’d certainly want to know!”

    What What It’s A Butt

    | Chicago, IL, USA | Family & Kids, Pets & Animals

    (A mother comes in looking to get a hamster for her four children. They range in age from 3 to 10.)

    Mother:  ”Excuse me, miss?”

    Me:  ”How may I help you?”

    Mother:  ”Can you tell me if this hamster is a girl?”

    (I look at the hamster in question. It’s most definitely male.)

    Mother, to me: *quietly* “Just say it’s a girl.”

    Me: “Yes, it’s a girl.”

    Mother, to children: “Yes, this one’s a girl. We can call her Jessie.”

    Child:  ”What’s that hanging off the back of the hamster?” *points to the hamster’s prominent testicles*

    Mother: *looks at me in desperation*

    Me:  ”Er…that’s…”

    Mother:  *frantic look of desperation*

    Me:  ”…its butt.”

    Mother:  *look of relief*

    (They ended up buying the hamster in spite of its large…butt.)

    Something Smells Fishy, Part 2

    | Petoskey, MI, USA |

    (A customer buys an African clawed frog for her son. After bagging it, I bring it to the register. It swims around in the bag for a second as I set it down.)

    Customer: “Oh my god, what is it doing?”

    Me: “You mean swimming?”

    Customer: “Why did it do that?”

    Me: “It was probably coming up for a breath.”

    Customer: “It breathes?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “So, it’s not a fish?”

    Related:
    Something Smells Fishy

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