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  • I Pronounce Thee Idiot

    | Ottawa, ON, USA |

    Customer: “Okay. I want a healthy dog food with no corn, wheat, or soy.”

    Me: “Well, we have this [product] here. It’s free of all fillers. It’s local, and has glucosamine, condriton, and msm.”

    Customer: “Oh, my! No! Forget It! I don’t trust anything I can’t pronounce!”

    Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

    | Germantown, WI, USA |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

    (I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

    Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

    Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

    Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

    Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

    Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

    Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

    Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

    Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

    (I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

    Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

    Me: “9 pm, sir.”

    Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

    Me: “Of course I can.”

    Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

    Related:
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    Moronnium Falcon

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

    Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

    Me: “Well, no.”

    Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

    Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

    Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

    Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

    Bad Karma Chameleons

    | Honolulu, HI, USA | Pets & Animals

    Customer: “Excuse me, why do you sell live crickets?”

    Me: “They’re bought as food for Jackson Chameleons, birds, and other animals. They have to be sold live because Jackson Chameleons have poor eyesight and can only see their food if it’s moving.”

    Customer: “That’s terrible! So they’re just going to die?”

    Me: “Well, chameleons have to eat, too. But it’s okay. It happens so fast that the crickets won’t see it coming.”

    Customer: “That’s so cruel! Why doesn’t someone tell them?! If I was going to be eaten, I’d certainly want to know!”

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