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    The Info Is There But Nothing Clicks

    | Burbank, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, do you guys carry [product]?”

    Me: “No, but it’s really easy to find on the internet.”

    Caller: “Oh. Do you have their number?”

    Me: “A phone number for the internet?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Just turn your computer on, and go online.”

    Caller: “So, you don’t have their number?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Just go online.”

    Caller: “Oh. Well, can I get a discount?”

    Me: “You want a discount from us for a product we don’t carry?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To get Neutered, Part 2

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    (We run a camp for dogs to play. We often let the owners know of bad dog behavior.)

    Customer: “How did our dog do today?”

    Me: “Well, sir, he did a lot of humping today.”

    Customer: “Just like his dad.”

    Customer’s wife: “Oh my God.”

    Related:
    The Dog Isn’t The One That Needs To Get Neutered

    Savior This Customer

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I am checking out an elderly customer.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. You’re all set to go. Have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “You too. And keep Jesus close to you. He’s coming back, you know! Coming back to get all of us!”

    I Pronounce Thee Idiot

    | Ottawa, ON, USA |

    Customer: “Okay. I want a healthy dog food with no corn, wheat, or soy.”

    Me: “Well, we have this [product] here. It’s free of all fillers. It’s local, and has glucosamine, condriton, and msm.”

    Customer: “Oh, my! No! Forget It! I don’t trust anything I can’t pronounce!”

    Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

    | Germantown, WI, USA |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

    (I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

    Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

    Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

    Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

    Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

    Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

    Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

    Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

    Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

    (I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

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