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    Savior This Customer

    | Louisville, KY, USA |

    (I am checking out an elderly customer.)

    Me: “Okay, ma’am. You’re all set to go. Have a wonderful day!”

    Customer: “You too. And keep Jesus close to you. He’s coming back, you know! Coming back to get all of us!”

    I Pronounce Thee Idiot

    | Ottawa, ON, USA |

    Customer: “Okay. I want a healthy dog food with no corn, wheat, or soy.”

    Me: “Well, we have this [product] here. It’s free of all fillers. It’s local, and has glucosamine, condriton, and msm.”

    Customer: “Oh, my! No! Forget It! I don’t trust anything I can’t pronounce!”

    Nemo Would Not Have Survived This One

    | Germantown, WI, USA |

    Me: “Hi there. Can I help you find anything today?”

    Customer: “My kids need a terrarium or an aquarium for a cub scout project. They have to observe it for 30 days.”

    Me: “Well, we don’t have any pre-assembled.”

    (I show her a tank, some pre-bagged dirt, plants, etc.)

    Customer: “So, could I put a fish in there?”

    Me: “Not with the dirt and plants, no.”

    Customer: “Can I just stick it in a bowl with water, then?”

    Me: “Sure.”

    Customer: “Do you have to do anything with it?”

    Me: “Feed it and keep the tank clean.”

    Customer: “Do I have to do that more than once a month?”

    Me: “Well, yes.”

    Customer: “How long do those fish live?”

    Me: “With proper care, up to a few years.”

    Customer: *scoffing* “That’s way too long! They only need to observe it for a month. What do I do with it after that?”

    Me: “You could ask your friends or your kids’ friends to see if someone would like to take it.”

    Customer: “Can’t I just flush it?”

    (I pause, not quite believing she was serious.)

    Me: “Well, ma’am, store policy is that animals always come first. Quite honestly, if I knew that’s what you were going to do with it, I would hesitate to sell you a fish.”

    Customer: “Oh, don’t worry. I wasn’t going to buy it tonight!”

    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 2

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (It’s a very cold, snowy night. The store isn’t very busy, as most customers are tucked away safe for the night. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Thank you for calling [store name]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Yeah, do you guys deliver?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry. We don’t.”

    Caller: “But it’s really snowy outside. I shouldn’t have to drive in this weather.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

    Caller: “I’ll send my wife then. What time do you close?”

    Me: “9 pm, sir.”

    Caller: “One more thing: can you carry the bag to the car for her?”

    Me: “Of course I can.”

    Caller: “Great. She’s pregnant, and the doctor said she shouldn’t be lifting anything too heavy.”

    Related:
    Contractions Speak Louder Than Words

    Moronnium Falcon

    | Philadelphia, PA, USA |

    Customer: “I want to get a falcon. How would I do that?”

    Me: “Well, falcons are wild animals and can be very dangerous. If you want to get into falconry, you have to do a lot of research. I’m pretty sure you’d need a license to own a bird like that.”

    Customer: “Well, those are easy to get, right?”

    Me: “Well, no.”

    Customer: *points to parrot cage* “That’d be big enough for a falcon, right?”

    Me: “No, you’d need something much bigger.”

    Customer: “Oh, and I wouldn’t really need one of those gloves, right? I can just wear my sweater and the claws won’t go through.”

    Me: “Certainly not! There’s a reason those gloves are made of thick leather! Without one, you’d be badly hurt!”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, do you guys sell falcons here?”

    Me: “No, we don’t. Why do you want a falcon, anyway?”

    Customer: “I want to support my favorite football team! I figure having a pet falcon would be a great tribute!”

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