Me: “Hello! What can I do for you?”

Customer: “I need some more goldfish. I keep losing them.”

Me: “You lose them? How do you lose your goldfish?”

Customer: “They keep escaping when I clean the tank.”

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t understand. How do they escape?”

Customer: “Well, when I clean the tank I put ‘em in the toilet. When I come back, one of them’s always swum down the hole!”

Me: “I’m going to need to go over a few things with you before I sell you the fish.”

Me: “Hi, how are you today?”

Customer: “I need to buy this bird.”

Me: “Ok, have you ever had a bird before?”

Customer: “I’ve had THIS bird before! I need to have this bird! My bird died last week and this bird tells me that he is my bird reincarnated! I need to have this bird.”

Me: “The bird told you?”

Customer: “How else would I know?”

Customer: “I want a hamster!”

Me: “Do you have bedding, a cage, and food?”

Customer: “I need all that stuff?”

Me: “Where did you think he would live?”

Customer: *completely serious* “I though I would just feed them cheese and have them live in the hole in my wall like in the cartoons.”

Customer: “The fish tank I have is really dirty and starting to smell, so I want to clean it but someone told me that I can’t use tap water in a fish tank.”

Me: “Yeah, you either have to get spring water or buy a bottle of water conditioner, and just add that to the tap water.”

Customer: “Oh. What if I use toilet water instead of tap water?”

Customer: “How much is this bird?”

Me: “Sir, how did you get the bird out of the cage? The cage was locked.”

Customer: “Oh, I got this one from the birds you have outside by the door.”

Me: “Those aren’t our birds.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Sir, you picked up a wild bird. But congratulations, because I can’t imagine it was a simple task.”