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    Don’t Wake The Fishies

    | Gainesville, FL, USA | Pets & Animals

    (The phone rings. I am on the sales floor in front of our tanks of fish for sale.)

    Caller: “Hi, I need you to get on the computer and look up what fish you have and how much they are.”

    Me: “I’d be glad to help you out. I’m standing right in front of the fish, so I can actually tell you right now how much they are and how many we have.”

    Caller: “No, I need you to get on the computer and look it up. I can’t easily come down to the store, so I want to see how many of each fish you have and what the price is.”

    Me: “What species were you looking for? I can just look and tell you how many we have and what the price is. It will be faster and more accurate than the inventory program, which I don’t have access to anyway.”

    Caller: “You can’t get on the computer?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, but I’d be happy to just look at the fish themselves. I can see how many we have in stock and give you the prices. What species were you looking for?”

    Caller: “Never mind!” *hangs up*

    Me: *speechless*

    Does This Mean I Need A Water Stone

    | Connecticut, USA | Pets & Animals, Top

    (I am helping a man at the fish department when this happens.)

    Customer: “So, goldfish evolve into koi when they outgrow their tank…”

    (I look at him waiting for him to say he’s joking, but he’s completely serious.)

    Me: “It’s a fish, sir, not a pokémon.”

    1 Part Bleach To 100 Parts Stupidity

    | Avondale, PA, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals, Top

    Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”

    Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”

    Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”

    Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”

    Me: “What did you do, then?”

    Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

    Human Tested, Dog Approved

    | Annapolis, MD, USA | Food & Drink, Pets & Animals

    (A man and woman come to my register with a cart full of dog products. They have no dog with them, but the man notices the bowl of dog treats we keep at the registers for dogs who come into the store.)

    Man: “Can I have one of those?”

    Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

    Man: *takes a dog treat from the bowl and eats it*

    Me: “Sir?!”

    Woman: “Don’t worry, he’s tried dog treats before.”

    Man: “Yeah, this one tasted like s***.”

    Be Sure To Ask For Frickin Laser Beams

    | Lower Saxony, Germany | Bizarre, Pets & Animals, Top

    (I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

    Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

    Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

    Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

    Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

    Me: “I’m afraid not.”

    Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

    Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

    (He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

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