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    Fish Don’t Need Air And You Don’t Need Water

    | Columbus, OH, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I work in the fish department of a pet store. A customer walks up to me with a bag of 3 dead goldfish.)

    Customer: “I’d like to return these fish.”

    Me: “No problem, would you like to replace them?”

    Customer: “No! This the third time I’ve bought fish from you people and they keep dying on me! I want my money back!”

    Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything set up properly in your tank?”

    Customer: “Of course it is! I set it up last week. I have the gravel in there and everything!”

    Me: “Do you have a filter running?”

    Customer: “No, they’re too expensive.”

    Me: “How about an air-stone?”

    Customer: “Why would I need an air-stone? Fish breathe underwater.”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, but they still require oxygen. An air-stone or filter dissolves oxygen in the water so the fish can absorb it through their gills.”

    Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Everyone knows fish don’t need oxygen! That’s why they live in the water!”

    (The customer throws the bag of dead fish to the ground and storms off. She’s never come in the store again.)

    Rufus Is Stranger Than Fiction

    | Slidell, LA, USA |

    (I am a customer and overhear this conversation between two teenagers looking at the rodents.)

    Girl: “Oh my gosh! Is that a bald rat?”

    Boy: “You mean a hairless rat? Yeah.”

    Girl: “They really have those?”

    Boy: “Of course.”

    Girl: “Wow! I thought those were only in Kim Possible!”

    It’s Only Free Ninety-Nine

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    (We are doing a promotion where every customer gets one free can of cat food with every purchase.)

    Me: “Hi, today, we are giving everyone a free can of cat food. Would you be interested in that?”

    Customer: “No, I do not have enough money with me today.”

    Me: “But ma’am, it’s free.”

    Customer: “What? I said no! I do not have the money for it today!”

    Someone Has Baggage

    | Valdosta, GA, USA |

    (The cashier calls me up to the register to check a price for a product that’s ringing up as more than the shelf tag indicated. I run to check, and report back.)

    Me: “Yes, sir. I’m sorry, it appears the sale sign was still up. But our system no longer recognizes the sale price. We’ll change the price for you.”

    Customer: “Have you ever had a bag placed over your head?”

    Me: “Um…no.”

    Customer: “Well, you’re fixing the price for me. So today’s not that day.”

    The Info Is There But Nothing Clicks

    | Burbank, CA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pet store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi, do you guys carry [product]?”

    Me: “No, but it’s really easy to find on the internet.”

    Caller: “Oh. Do you have their number?”

    Me: “A phone number for the internet?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Just turn your computer on, and go online.”

    Caller: “So, you don’t have their number?”

    Me: “No, ma’am. Just go online.”

    Caller: “Oh. Well, can I get a discount?”

    Me: “You want a discount from us for a product we don’t carry?”

    Caller: “Yes.”


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