(I call a customer because her order has arrived.)

Me: “Good morning, this is [store]. Your owl has arrived. You can pick him up at your convenience.”

Customer: “Great! I’ll come by today!”

Me: “If you need any advice, you can call us any time.”

Customer: “Oh, but I’ve read up on owls. Raw meat every day and walks twice a day! And buy ear plugs before every full moon!”

Me: “Um, ma’am, you know it’s a bird, right?”

(The phone rings. I am on the sales floor in front of our tanks of fish for sale.)

Caller: “Hi, I need you to get on the computer and look up what fish you have and how much they are.”

Me: “I’d be glad to help you out. I’m standing right in front of the fish, so I can actually tell you right now how much they are and how many we have.”

Caller: “No, I need you to get on the computer and look it up. I can’t easily come down to the store, so I want to see how many of each fish you have and what the price is.”

Me: “What species were you looking for? I can just look and tell you how many we have and what the price is. It will be faster and more accurate than the inventory program, which I don’t have access to anyway.”

Caller: “You can’t get on the computer?”

Me: “No, ma’am, but I’d be happy to just look at the fish themselves. I can see how many we have in stock and give you the prices. What species were you looking for?”

Caller: “Never mind!” *hangs up*

Me: *speechless*

(I am helping a man at the fish department when this happens.)

Customer: “So, goldfish evolve into koi when they outgrow their tank…”

(I look at him waiting for him to say he’s joking, but he’s completely serious.)

Me: “It’s a fish, sir, not a pokémon.”

Me: “How are you today? I’m told you needed help with fish?”

Customer: “Yeah, all my fish died after I cleaned my tank yesterday. My husband says that it may have had to do with me using bleach, but I told him he was wrong.”

Me: “Well, actually he is right. Bleach leaves residue on the glass. Even after rinsing it, that can kill the fish.”

Customer: “But I didn’t even rinse it.”

Me: “What did you do, then?”

Customer: “I just added it to the water. How could that kill them?”

(A man and woman come to my register with a cart full of dog products. They have no dog with them, but the man notices the bowl of dog treats we keep at the registers for dogs who come into the store.)

Man: “Can I have one of those?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead.”

Man: *takes a dog treat from the bowl and eats it*

Me: “Sir?!”

Woman: “Don’t worry, he’s tried dog treats before.”

Man: “Yeah, this one tasted like s***.”

(I’m refilling a bunch of buckets with pet food when a customer approaches. He’s dressed entirely in black, has long hair, and an intimidatingly large beard. I have previously seen him staring at snakes for a while.)

Customer: “Hi, I was wondering, which pet would you recommend for an evil overlord?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You know, for the aspiring world dominator. I want something that looks evil and intimidating…something that can tear my enemies to shreds!”

Me: “Uh…I’m sorry, sir, the most vile animals we have would be those kittens over there and I don’t think they’re quite big enough to kill someone.”

Customer: *completely serious* “What about sharks?”

Me: “Nope, sorry. We don’t have the space for such a big aquarium in here.”

Customer: “Well, d***. I don’t suppose you have lions or siberian tigers, then?”

Me: “I’m afraid not.”

Customer: “D*** right you’re afraid! When I’m your master, I’ll come back with an army of battlehamsters and feed you to them!”

Me: *trying not to laugh* “I’m looking forward to that.”

(He leaves the shop, but only after buying three hamsters.)

(I work at a pet store where people are allowed to bring their pets. Obviously, we expect some pets to have accidents and customers usually are good about cleaning after them.)

Customer: *walks up to my register* “I need to talk to a manager. I have a complaint.”

(I call my manager to the register. While we’re waiting, I try to address the customer’s concerns.)

Me: “He’ll be right up. What’s the matter?”

Customer: “A dog took a dump right in front of me and the owner was cleaning it up. It was disgusting! I almost puked. I mean, does that happen all the time? Because that’s just disgusting.”

(My manager comes up to the register, but she keeps going on.)

Customer: “If this happens all the time, I’m never going to shop here again. This is disgusting, I don’t want to be walking on dog feces and pee.”

Manager: “Well, this is a pet store and we allow pets. Unfortunately, we expect some of them to go to the bathroom on the floor since they can’t really control it.”

Customer: “I’m going to call corporate and file a complaint. This is disgusting. I’m never coming here again!” *storms off*

(I work in the fish department of a pet store. A customer walks up to me with a bag of 3 dead goldfish.)

Customer: “I’d like to return these fish.”

Me: “No problem, would you like to replace them?”

Customer: “No! This the third time I’ve bought fish from you people and they keep dying on me! I want my money back!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that. Is everything set up properly in your tank?”

Customer: “Of course it is! I set it up last week. I have the gravel in there and everything!”

Me: “Do you have a filter running?”

Customer: “No, they’re too expensive.”

Me: “How about an air-stone?”

Customer: “Why would I need an air-stone? Fish breathe underwater.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but they still require oxygen. An air-stone or filter dissolves oxygen in the water so the fish can absorb it through their gills.”

Customer: “What kind of idiot are you? Everyone knows fish don’t need oxygen! That’s why they live in the water!”

(The customer throws the bag of dead fish to the ground and storms off. She’s never come in the store again.)

(I am a customer and overhear this conversation between two teenagers looking at the rodents.)

Girl: “Oh my gosh! Is that a bald rat?”

Boy: “You mean a hairless rat? Yeah.”

Girl: “They really have those?”

Boy: “Of course.”

Girl: “Wow! I thought those were only in Kim Possible!”

(We are doing a promotion where every customer gets one free can of cat food with every purchase.)

Me: “Hi, today, we are giving everyone a free can of cat food. Would you be interested in that?”

Customer: “No, I do not have enough money with me today.”

Me: “But ma’am, it’s free.”

Customer: “What? I said no! I do not have the money for it today!”