(I walk up to a customer and her family holding one of our pet store rabbits.)

Me: “So, are you ready to buy that rabbit?”

Customer: “Yeah, I think I’m going to. What do rabbits need?”

Me: “Well, the first thing a rabbit needs is a good home. We have a nice selection of cages start.”

Customer: “I think I’ll just put it in with my guinea pig.”

Me: “Well, that really isn’t a good idea. They should really have separate cages.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll put the guinea pig somewhere else. What else do rabbits need?”

Me: “Vitamins are good for rabbits, especially younger bunnies who are making their first move–”

Customer: “Can’t I use ferret vitamins?”

Me: “Well, no, because rabbits are herbivores and ferrets are carnivores. They have different nutritional needs.”

Customer, to husband: “I don’t need any vitamins!”

Customer’s husband: “Well, what about food?”

Me: “We have a large assortment of rabbit food. The more colorful ones that contain dried fruits and vegetables are really going to help your rabbit, especially if you don’t plan on feeding it fresh fruits and vegetables.”

Customer: “Can’t I just feed it cat food?”

Customer: “Your bird bit my kid.”

Me: “Well, the birds can’t reach their beaks through the cages. Did your son have his finger in the cage?”

Customer: “Yeah. Well, there’s nothing telling you not to.”

Me: “Sometimes they get scared when you poke your fingers into their cages, and the only way they know how to tell you is to nip you.”

Child: “Oh, okay. I bet he was just scared.”

Customer: “You should put up some signs in here telling people your birds bite!”

(I show the customer the signs posted on each and every bird cage asking customers not to poke fingers into the cages as the birds may bite, as well as the additional two on the doors entering the bird room.)

Customer: “Well, that’s stupid! How do you know I can read?”

Related:
Bird Brained
Bird Brained, Part 2
Bird Brained, Part 3
Bird Brained, Part 4

(A customer comes into our pet store during the winter.)

Customer: “When they salt the streets, it burns my dog’s paws.”

Me: “Well, we have shoes for your dog right over here.”

(I show her the different sets of shoes we have available.)

Customer: “Wait, why are there four shoes?”

Caller: “I’m finding out that hamsters like to move around a lot. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?”

Me: “What seems to be the problem with the hamsters?”

Caller: “Well, I don’t like it when they move suddenly. It scares me. And I don’t like their rears.”

Me: “Their…rears?”

Customer: “Yes, their rears! I don’t like it when they don’t face me. Do you have a pet that doesn’t move as much?”

Me: “Well, we have tarantulas… they mostly just sit there and move slowly and rarely.”

Caller: “What’s a tarantula?”

Me: “It’s kind of a big hairy spider.”

(Suddenly, it sounds as if the phone has hit the ground. A few moments later…)

Customer: “I think I’ll stick with hamsters.”

(A customer reads my name tag.)

Customer: “That’s a strange name isn’t it?”

Me: “Heh.”

Customer: “How do you pronounce that? Tain-ee…Trenay? Seriously, what is that? Welsh? Irish?”

Me: “Uhm…”

Customer: “It sounds really exotic, really foreign.”

Me: “No no, I am a Trainee. Trainee isn’t my name.”

Customer: “Ohh, right. Well, thanks for the help, Train-ee!”

Customer: *in a thick accent* “Hello, were you the girl I spoke to last night about my fish?”

Me: “No, I’m not, but I’d be happy to help you.”

(The customer whips out a Chinese food container holding a fish that is clearly on death’s doorstep.)

Customer: “My fish…she is dying. I need you to heal her. If she is healed, I want you to give her back to me.”

Me: “Well, sir, your fish honestly doesn’t look like it’s going to make it. I would be happy to replace your fish. Even though we will medicate your fish, I can’t guarantee she’ll survive.”

Customer: “No… I don’t want another fish. I want this fish. I want you to heal my fish. I have been praying for it. When you heal my fish you should pray for it as well. It will heal faster!”

Me: “Sir, I can’t say that I usually pray, but I will be sure to keep the fish in my thoughts.”

Customer: “No. You must pray.”

Me: “…sir, honestly, I don’t practice religion.”

Customer: “You must pray.”

Me: “…all right. I will pray for her, and I will make sure she gets the best care. Stop by later this week or call in and ask for me. I will be happy to give you an update, just please keep in mind that I don’t think your fish will survive.”

Customer: “You must heal my fish. I will call you to see how she is. I am certain she will survive.”

(It soon became clear that I should have prayed sooner, because the fish died ten minutes after the customer walked out the door.)

(A customer is trying to find something else for her lizard to eat so she doesn’t need to buy live crickets so often.)

Me: “Well, we do have this can of freeze-dried crickets. I don’t know how well your gecko will take to them, but it may be worth a shot?”

Customer: “OK…so how do I bring them back to life? Add water?”

Me: “No…they’re dead.”

(I often wandered around the store with multiple animals to help socialize them. Most often I would have a rabbit on one shoulder, a parrot on the other and a few hamsters at hand. My boss never cared as long as I did my job and didn’t hurt anyone. I often did get odd looks, though.)

Me: *walking up to customer* “Finding everything all right?”

Customer: “…you’re covered in animals.”

Me: “Yes. Yes, I am.”

Customer: *stares for a moment longer* “…can you get me one of the large cages?”

(I nab a stepladder and get the cage down, managing not to dislodge a single animal on my person.)

Me: *handing customer the cage* “Here you go.”

Customer: *looking disappointed* “Oh.” *wanders away*

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I am looking for some dog food that is not animal tested.”

Me: “Ma’am, all food made for animals has to be tested by animals. It’s dog food!”

Customer: “You have got to be kidding me! Let me talk to your manager!”

(A customer and her young son are buying a bag of birdseed when she notices a picture of my horse on the board behind me.)

Customer: “Oh, what a beautiful horse! Is he a black stallion?”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, he’s a gelding.”

Customer: “Oh…what’s the difference?”

Me: “A gelding is a male horse who’s been castrated.”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “Uh…a male horse who’s been neutered.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “A male horse who’s had his testicles surgically removed.”

Customer: “I still don’t…”

Me: “A horse with no balls, ma’am.”

Customer: *covering her son’s ears*** “My goodness! My son’s only five, you know! He doesn’t need to hear that language!”

Me: “…have a nice day, ma’am.”