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    Has Slugs And Snails And Puppy Dog Tails

    | AZ, USA | Pets & Animals

    Customer: “I need someone to treat around my water meter.”

    Me: “What kind of pests are you seeing?”

    Customer: “I am not sure. They are either scorpions or rats. They have tails.”

    Me: *aside to coworker* “Puppies have tails. Do you think there are puppies in his water box?”

    His Attitude Has Hit Rock Bottom

    | Stockholm, Sweden | Bad Behavior, Pets & Animals

    (A customer calls in, requesting tips for how to get rid of the ants in his garden. I give him several tips but he is very patronizing throughout the call and rather rude.)

    Me: “…or, if neither of those things work, come winter, you can try and freeze the ant-hill from within.”

    Customer: “How do I do that?”

    Me: “You take an iron rod and stick it as far into the ground as possible, and leave it there over winter, and—”

    Customer: “So, how far down do I need to stick it?”

    Me: “Well, as far as you can, to make sure you get it through their entire colony. One meter is usually recommended.”

    Customer: *in a very condescending tone* “Hah, you obviously don’t know what you are talking about! Let me tell you, I live on the WEST COAST. The soil here is no deeper than half a meter at most! There is no possible way I can stick an iron rod a whole meter down into the ground. I would obviously hit the bedrock way before that. So there is no way your stupid suggestion would work to get rid of the ants. I could never penetrate their entire colony.”

    Me: “…but, if there is bedrock half a meter down, the ants cannot live further down either.”

    Customer: “Oh. I never thought about that. I guess you are right. Do you have any more suggestions?”

    (He was very polite and grateful after that!)

    Pestering Pests About Rodents At Rest

    | MN, USA | Pets & Animals

    (I take a phone call.)

    Caller: “I’ve got a hamster I need you to get rid of!”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we don’t get rid of hamsters.”

    Caller: “Well why not? Isn’t it just a rodent?”

    Me: “Yes, I think it might be, but it’s domesticated. We don’t get rid of domesticated animals.”

    Caller: “But it’s dead.”

    Me: “It’s dead?”

    Caller: “Yeah! It’s dead behind the stove!”

    Me: “Well, we don’t just come pick up dead animals; we really cant help you.”

    Caller: “Okay. Thanks anyway.”

    (The caller hangs up. I turn around to a coworker intending to tell her about my weird call. She holds up her finger, puts someone on hold, and blows out a huge sigh.)

    Coworker: “Hey! I’m going to need a manager! This lady wants to know why we can’t prevent birds from landing in her yard!”

    You’re Just Ants-ing For Trouble

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Extra Stupid, Pets & Animals

    (Note: when people start our service, they sometimes see more bugs in the first week because the chemicals agitate them before they die. We usually get a lot of calls from first time customers freaking out about this, so we have recently asked the techs to explain this to customers so we get less calls.)

    Me: “Pest control, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’m very concerned. I just started with you and I don’t have any ants.”

    Me: “Well, that’s a good thing. That means its working.”

    Customer: “But I was told I would see more ants after the treatment! I don’t see any! This is horrible!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have our techs tell all our customers that because sometimes they do. If you don’t, that’s okay, too. Actually, that’s a REALLY good thing.”

    Customer: “But I don’t see any ants! I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “I’m not sure that I can help, because you don’t seem to have a problem.”

    Customer: “I DO have a problem! NO ANTS!”

    Detox, Retox

    | New Jersey, USA | Health & Body

    Me: “Thank you for calling [pest control] this is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I just got medicated on Thursday and I am not due in again until next week. However, I have to work the day I am supposed to come in. Can I come in and get medicated today? I know you are closing soon I can get over there soon.”

    Me: “Um, I think you have the wrong number.”

    Customer: “Oh, this isn’t the methadone clinic?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, this is a pest control company.”

    Customer: “Oh.” *hangs up*

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