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  • Had It Up To Their Neck With Bad Customers
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    Pudding The P In Peculiar

    | Portland, OR, USA | Food & Drink

    Me: “Would you like a bag for your items?”

    Customer: “I want pudding.”

    (We’re a party store famous for giving out free popcorn, so I offer him popcorn instead.)

    Me: “I don’t have any pudding, but I can give you some free popcorn.”

    Customer: “Not good enough.”

    Me: “They both start with ‘P’.”

    Customer: “Nope!” *walks away with items in hand*

    No Helium For The Airhead

    | Belgium |

    (A customer addresses me with a question about balloons we’ve sold her the week before.)

    Customer: “I think I bought the wrong ones.” *points at the shelf* “These don’t rise to the ceiling. Where are the ones that do?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there is only one kind of balloon. They float if you fill them with helium.”

    (The customer stands there giving me a puzzled look.)

    Me: “You just blew them up with air, didn’t you? You see, if the gas is lighter than the air–”

    (She continues to look with a confused, helpless gaze.)

    Me: “If you want them to float in the air, you’ll just have to buy this tank of helium, put the balloon over the valve and release the gas into the balloon.”

    Customer: “But I’ve already blown up all the balloons! Is there no other way to have them go up to the ceiling?”

    Me: “You could tape them onto your ceiling.”

    Birthday Cele-Berations

    | Elkhart, IN, USA | Politics

    Customer: “You don’t have much of a selection for ninetieth birthday parties.”

    Me: “Not many people live that long. Most of our suppliers don’t carry anything past the sixtieth birthday decorations.”

    Customer: “It’s all because of Obama, you know. With his health care system, they just put you out to pasture once you’re sixty-five, and that’s the end of you. He probably told everyone to stop selling things with eighty and ninety on it, so people won’t want to live as long.”

    This Is Why We’re In A Recession

    | Wisconsin, USA |

    Me: “Your total is $**.**.”

    (The customer hands me card, I run it and hand it back to her.)

    Customer: “Oh, no! That’s my debit card! I don’t have any money in my account. It’s going to be declined.”

    Me: “Well, your purchase went through.”

    Customer: “Oh, well, if it went through, that means I have enough money in my account.”

    Me: “Well, not necessarily. My brother got himself into a lot of debt by using his cards after he’d reached his limit.”

    Customer: “You mean I could still use this card even if there’s no money in the account?”

    Me: “It’s possible, but I’m not familiar with your bank system.”

    Customer: *to friend* “Do you want to go to the nail salon?”

    Grape Expectations

    | Monroe, MI, USA |

    (I’m behind the register when a teenage girl comes up with her mother. While I watch, the girl tells her mom to get her one of the ‘grape ones’.)

    Mother: “I’d like one of your grape cigars.”

    Me: “Alright.” *to the girl* “I just need to see your ID.”

    Girl: “She’s the one who’s buying, not me!”

    Me: “That doesn’t matter. I know she’s buying it for you, so I need to know if you’re over eighteen.”

    Mother: “That’s stupid! This is the only place that sells them around here. I’m not wasting my gas driving somewhere else. If you don’t sell me those, I’m going to call the cops and they’ll make you sell me a grape cigar!”

    Me: “Ma’am, feel free to tell the cops that I wont sell your under-aged daughter a cigar.”