More Stupid Than Homer Simpson

| Seattle, WA, USA | Bizarre, Health & Body

(It is the Halloween season and I’m working in the cosmetics aisle, advising customers on what kinds to use, letting them test products, etc…)

Customer: “So,I want to be Homer Simpson.”

Me: “Oh, okay.” *proceeds to show him our various kinds of yellow makeup* “Would you like to test some?”

Customer: “Sure!”

(He holds out his hand for me to dab some makeup on, but halfway through, says:)

Customer: “I might be allergic to this. I’m not sure.”

Me: “Oh! Well, here, let me get you a makeup wipe and we’ll get it off of you.”

Customer: “Oh, no, it’s fine. I’ll just walk around the store a bit and if it’s not too bad I’ll buy some.”

Customer’s Wife: *opens the new container of makeup* “Here, honey, put a little on your face and we’ll try that.”

(I momentarily wonder if she’s actively trying to kill her husband, but manage to get out:)

Me: “Ma’am, please don’t use the makeup before you buy it.”

Wife: “But why not?”

Me: “Because then I can’t sell it if you don’t choose to buy it.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Customer: “We’ll be back!”

(They then walk off, leaving me standing there with a makeup wipe and the vague fear that he’s going to go into shock and die in the store, but instead they show up five minutes later.)

Customer: “So it’s making my skin all red and itchy, but I think it’s okay. I’ll tough it out!”

Me: “…These items are not returnable or exchangeable.”

A Ballooning Crazy Request

| Knoxville, TN, USA | Crazy Requests

(I am working the registers and taking phone calls, when I got the following:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering what the most durable balloons you have are.”

Me: “Um… I’m not sure what you mean. Do you mean longest lasting?”

Caller: “No, I mean which balloons are the most durable. You know, so they won’t pop easily.”

Me: “Could I ask you what you’re using them for? Maybe I could give you a better recommendation.”

Caller: “Well, my kids got some BB guns for their birthdays, and I need some balloons that won’t pop if they get hit accidentally.”

Me: “So you’re looking for a balloon that can stand up to being shot with a BB gun.”

Caller: “Exactly! Yes!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t carry any bulletproof balloons…”

You’ll Pop Open The Champagne When It’s Over

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(Though most Sundays are slow, we are being hit by last minute orders that need to be filled post haste. There’s only my coworker and myself, so we’re fighting to catch up when the phone rings.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. This is [My Name]. How can I serve you?”

Elderly Woman: “Do you have champagne glasses?”

Me: “Yes, we do.” *goes into list of different ones we have with prices*

Elderly Woman: “Wait, that’s too much information. Now, what kind do you have?”

Me: “Um. Well, we only carry the clear plastic kind. We have a 12 pack for [high price] and a 24 pack for [lower price] but they’re very flimsy and likely to break.”

Elderly Woman: “Uh huh. And what do they look like?”

Me: “Um. They’re clear, thin and have a long stem.”

Elderly Woman: “And are they glass?”

Me: “No, they’re all plastic.”

Elderly Woman: “Good, I have me some grandkids running around, so I don’t want them broken. How much are they apiece?”

Me: “Oh, we don’t sell them separately, ma’am. They come in packs.”

Elderly Woman: “Packs? What’s that?”

Me: “Well, they come in sets. A set of 8, 12 or 24.”

Elderly Woman: “And what are their prices?”

(This goes on for a good five minutes of me repeating myself. Finally she decides on a 12 pack and I set it aside for her.)

Me: *looking at my frantic coworker who is swamped with setting orders together all by herself* “Okay, I have your glasses set aside and ready for you to come in-store to pick up at your convenience. Thank you—”

Elderly Woman: “Oh, I can’t come in the store to pick them up. I’m handicapped, you see, so I do all my shopping by phone. I never leave my house.”

Me: “I see. We do have a website that you can order directly from and it’ll be sent to your house, ma’am.”

Elderly Woman: “No, no, I hate computers. They’re so hard to manage. I’ll just give you my credit card information and you can check me out. Then you can send it to me.”

Me: “No, ma’am, I can’t do that. That’d be against store policy, plus I would need you in-store to actually sign the receipt.”

Elderly Woman: “What? Really? But I know it’s my card.”

Me: “Yes, but I would still need you in the store with that card to sign your receipt. If we took numbers over the phone, anyone could give a number that might or might not be their credit card.”

Elderly Woman: “But I know it’s me! I’m giving my number.”

Me: “And I understand that, but it’s still illegal. Is there anyone who can come in-store to pay and pick up your items for you?”

Elderly Woman: *sour* “I guess I can send my granddaughter down there.”

Me: “Wonderful. Well, I have them put aside for you, waiting for your granddaughter. Thank you and have a nice day.”

(I hang up the phone, then go back to help package up orders, but don’t get a few steps away when the phone rings again.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store].”

Elderly Woman: “I got my glasses. Now I want to know what kind of designs you have on plates, napkins, and coffee cups.”

(She wasted 40 minutes of my time trying to ‘select’ what she wanted just to decide in the end that she was going to physically go to WalMart and pick up what she wanted.)

No Helium For The Airhead, Part 2

| TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Math & Science

(Because of a helium shortage, we currently have a limited amount of tanks to use on balloon orders. We run out in the middle of a day that has a special event going on.)

Store Owner: “I’m sorry to say we can’t fill any more balloons unless it’s with air. If you want any helium balloons, you will have to go to [other store known for its poor service].”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I need 20 balloons and you’re telling me I can’t have them now?”

Store Owner: “I’ve called in for more tanks, but I won’t have them in before tomorrow, so if you need them you’ll have to go elsewhere.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! You should have planned better and ordered more tanks to begin with.”

Me: “We could try that, but we’re only given four tanks a week. Hospitals have a priority on helium for their machines, so their demands come first.”

Customer: “If the hospital needs helium so badly, why don’t they make their own?”

Me: “Helium isn’t man-made. That’s why.”

Customer: *scoffs* “Yes, it is. How else do you think they put it in those tanks?”

Store Owner: “They trap it when they mine, but—”

Customer: “That is the dumbest thing I’ve heard. I can’t believe you idiots believe that shortage crap. I’m going to [other store]. I bet they won’t make up crap to get out of work!” *storms out*

Store Owner: “I bet he also thinks H2O is an energy drink.”

Related:
No Helium For The Airhead

Ballooning Demands, Part 2

| TX, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

(Our store closes at 7 pm on weeknights, so we lock our doors at 6:55. A customer bangs at the door at 6:58 with the promise that she needs just one thing. I let her in and tell her we’re closing the registers in two minutes. Two minutes pass and she’s not at the register.)

Me: “Ma’am, you told me that you only needed one thing when you came in here. It’s seven and we have to shut our registers down.”

Customer: “I know, but I forgot I also need…” *lists off a dozen items*

Me: “There’s no way you’re going to have time to get all of that. If you want, we can gather this for you and bag it, then you can pick it up in the morning and pay.”

Customer: “NO! It needs to be tonight! It’s an emergency.”

Me: *sighs and realizes she’s going to be a problem* “I’ll ask one of the registers to stay open five more minutes, and then we have to shut down.”

(Luckily, the customer is up there in three minutes with her arms full. My co-worker is checking her out when the woman says she needs to put in a balloon order for her son’s first birthday party. I hurry and grab a slip of paper to fill out with the information.)

Customer: “Do you have any specials on your balloons?”

Me: “No. We stopped doing specials on them months ago because of the helium shortage. We do offer balloons at a cheaper price if you buy 20 or more.”

Customer: “Well, I don’t really need 20. Can you do the order in multiple colors?”

Me: “We can do them in as many as you like.”

Customer: “I want them to match the theme of the party.”

(She starts naming colors, which I write down, but she can’t decide on the blue. I go grab four different blue balloon colors.)

Customer: “Give me the aqua, no powder blue. No, island is better. No, I’ll just go with aqua. Can I have just twelve balloons at the cheaper price?”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t do that. It’s in the system at a set price and I don’t have the authority.”

Customer: “I just don’t need 20. I guess I’ll get 20, though.”

Coworker: “I’m glad we could help you with your son’s first birthday. That’ll be [high amount].”

(The customer hands over her card and it’s declined.)

Customer: “Ugh, I know there’s money on that card. It just won’t go through because my check is still pending. Can you stay open just a little longer so I can run to the ATM and withdraw some money?”

Me: “We can’t. We should have already closed over 10 minutes ago. As I suggested before, why don’t we bag this up and you can come for this in the morning when you come to get your balloons?

Customer: “I guess so. Are you sure you can’t let me run to the ATM?”

Me: “I’m positive, ma’am.”

(I help to write her name and information on one of the bags, staple it shut and put it behind the main counter.)

Customer: *as she’s walking out* “Oh, do me a favor? I don’t know if I want those balloons. Will you make sure they don’t fill them until I call?”

Me: “… Yes, ma’am.”

Coworker: *after the customer has left* “So we just wasted 15 minutes for her to walk out empty handed and she’s probably going to call and cancel that balloon order tomorrow.”

Me: “Yep.”

Related:
Ballooning Demands

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