November Theme Of The Month: Black Friday!

My Dog Thinks You’re Nuts

| Boston, MA, USA | Bigotry, Pets & Animals, Top, Wild & Unruly

(I work at a dog park, and I get to bring my Great Dane to work with me. Most of my regulars know and love my dog, and he has his own little fan club. My Dane is an obedience champion and has a vast vocabulary of verbal and hand signal commands, including “shake”. However, because of his height, if someone asks him to “shake”, they usually get smacked for their troubles. An unpleasant new visitor to the park begins making disparaging comments.)

New Visitor: *to me* “Border Collies are a real man’s dog. If you aren’t smart enough for a collie, you get something like that!” *points at my dog*

Me: “Excuse me, but that’s incredibly rude.”

New Visitor: “See? What did I tell you? Only a stupid woman would own a stupid dog like that!”

Regular #1: “Actually, that dog is brilliant.”

New Visitor: “Whatever. I bet he doesn’t even know how to shake hands.”

Regular #2: *smiles* “Oh, please try…”

New Visitor: *to my Great Dane* “Shake!”

My Great Dane: *smacks him in the crotch*

Some Owners Need To Be Kept On A Short Leash

| Arkansas, USA | Pets & Animals

(I’m a park ranger in a large urban park. The ranger program is new, so people aren’t used to having to follow the rules. One guy in particular is bad about his dog being off leash.)

Me: “Sir, this is the second time I’ve seen you with your dog at large. Next time, I’m going to write you a ticket.”

Guy: “This is ridiculous. Where were you two months ago when she was attacked by two dogs?”

Me: “Sir, if I had been here, I promise I would have done everything I could—”

Guy: “I mean, you don’t write THEM a ticket! You just come after ME! My dog is perfectly behaved! Being on a leash stresses her out! You should go after the other people!”

Me: “Sir, were the other dogs off leash?”

Guy: “Yeah, they were!”

Me: “So, if they had been on leash, your dog wouldn’t have gotten attacked?”

Guy: “Yeah, that’s right!”

Me: “So, would you agree that’s it’s in everyone’s best interest for all dogs to be on leash and under the control of their owners?”

Guy: “Yeah! I mean, wait… except mine! D*** IT!” *storms off*

(His dog is now on a leash every time I see him, although he claims she is traumatized by it. The dog? She seems rather nonchalant about the whole thing.)

All That Glitters Is Not Old

| Florida, USA | Family & Kids, Top

(I’m working at a face painting booth at a local park. A gentleman in his 60s comes up with two small girls. They decide to get painted and hop into the chairs.)

Me: “Sir, the designs they chose both come with optional glitter and lipstick. Is that okay?”

Gentleman: “Absolutely, go all out! Glitter, lips, the works. Maybe this’ll teach Grandma not to leave the kids alone with Pop-Pop!”

In Need Of A Worldly EdUKation

| Yellowstone, WY, USA | Language & Words, Top, Tourists/Travel

(I’m English, and work at Yellowstone Park selling ice cream as a summer work experience abroad. Often, my accent catches people off guard, and I usually have to explain why I’m there. A customer comes up to pay.)

Me: “Okay, that will be $2.95, please.”

Customer: “Hey, where’s your accent from? Are you Australian?”

Me: “Actually, I’m from England. I’m just working her for my summer between University.”

Customer: “That’s cool! How long have you been in America?”

Me: “Um, about two months.”

Customer: “And is this your first time in America?”

Me: “It is. I’m loving it!”

Customer: “Wow! You speak really good English for only being here for two months!”

Dodging The Point

| Massachusetts, USA | Family & Kids

(I’m refereeing a dodgeball game at a widely known indoor trampoline park. I am currently watching over a little kids game. The mother of a crying child approaches me.)

Mother: “Excuse me, but why is my son out?! Is he not allowed to play or something?”

Me: “Ma’am, your son was hit with the ball.”

Mother: “What do you mean?! That other kid clearly targeted my son!”

Me: “I’m sure he did…this is dodgeball.”

Mother: “I don’t get it.”

Me: “You have to dodge balls. If you are hit with a ball in dodgeball, you are out.”

Mother: “This is just stupid!” *leaves with her crying child*