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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Only One Left

    | Sweden | Extra Stupid, Health & Body

    (I am an optometrist, selling glasses and contact lenses. A customer calls me up to ask about some contact lenses I sent to him in the mail.)

    Customer: “Hi, I’m just calling to ask you which of the lenses is for which eye!”

    Me: “I’m sorry! I am usually so careful about these things. I can’t believe I forgot to mark them.”

    Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘right’ on one of the boxes, but what about the other one?”

    Me: “Uh, then the other one would be for your left eye.”

    Customer: “Great, thanks!” *hangs up*

    More Deaf Than Blind

    | AZ, USA | Health & Body, Technology

    (One of our eye tests works by patients clicking a remote when they see some shimmery lines, and is set up where the face-plate slides into place to test the individual eyes. The patient has already informed me that he has a glass eye in the right socket. This machine can sometimes be very temperamental when a test is in progress, so I want to explain the test before I mess around too much with it and skip his glass eye. It’s still currently set on the right eye as the default.)

    Me: “On this first test, when you look inside there, you’re going to see a little—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of that eye.”

    Me: Yes, sir, I know that. I can skip this eye when I get the test started, but I wanted to explain the directions first. Now, you’re going to see a little black spot right in the center and—”

    Patient: “But I can’t see out of that eye.”

    Me: “Yes, I know that, sir. I can skip that eye in just a moment. You’re going to see the black dot in the center and there are some very faint, sort of wiggly lines—”

    Patient: “But I can’t see out of this eye.”

    (The patient continues to put his face into the machine which is still on the right eye.)

    Me: “I know that, sir. You’re going to see a black dot in the center and some faint, wiggly lines and that’s just a preview of what the test looks like. When—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

    Me: “I can skip that one. When the test starts, and I’ll let you know when that is, I just need you to look—”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye!”

    (I am now ignoring him to get through my directions.)

    Me: “When the test starts, you need to look at the black spot in the center and click on the clicker whenever you see those wiggly lines.”

    Patient: “I can’t see out of this eye, though!”

    Me: “I need you to sit back for me so I can get the machine ready to just test your left eye.”

    (The patient sits back and I slide the face-plate over for the left eye. I put in the settings to get the machine to skip the right eye, and am just about to start on the left.)

    Patient: “So, what am I supposed to do in this thing?”

    Perceiving Percival

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Geeks Rule, Top

    Me: “Was there any particular style of glasses you where looking for today?”

    Customer: “I’m looking for some horn rimmed, half-moon spectacles.”

    (As an avid Harry Potter fan, I recognize this as the word-for-word description of a certain character’s glasses.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Professor Dumbledore, but I believe we sold our last pair this morning.”

    Customer: *surprised* “Oh, wow! I really wasn’t expecting anyone to catch that!”

    If Only You Could See How Dumb You Look

    | Indianapolis, IN, USA | Health & Body

    (A customer calls in to check the status of his glasses. They have been here for several months because he hasn’t paid his balance in full. His account is therefore in collections.)

    Me: “Thank you for selecting [store]. This is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Customer: “I want my glasses. My name is [name]. They need to be shipped to my new address.”

    Me: *checks for his glasses* “Okay, sir, it appears you have an unpaid balance on your account. Your glasses were sent to corporate for unpaid fee and for not picking them up within 60 days.”

    Customer: “Why do I have a balance?! I can’t see and you are rude! Give me the glasses. Here is the address….”

    (The customer gives his new address, which happens to be out of state.)

    Me: “Sir, I apologize for the inconvenience. Let me take down your information and give you a call back.

    Customer: “Fine! You are awful at your job. I got glasses and now you’re keeping them from me. You want me to suffer?!”

    Me: “No, sir. Let me call you back.”

    (I find out the customer is not eligible for his insurance and he now owes the full balance for his glasses. There’s nothing I can do, but I call him back to inform him.)

    Customer: “What do you mean I don’t have insurance?! I just used it last week. This is ridiculous! Are you that stupid?! Send me my glasses TODAY! Now!”

    Me: “Sir, there’s nothing I can do. You owe $130.98 for the glasses. You have to pay it before we can get them to—”

    Customer: “Why do you need those glasses so much? You can’t afford to send them to me? What kind of business is this?!”

    Me: “I have no control over your insurance and I don’t know what you want me to do. Either pay for the glasses or call back when you can.”

    Customer: “I demand my glasses now!”

    Me: “You have Indiana Medicaid and now you live in another state. Maybe that’s why you no longer are insured. You want me to send you a free pair of glasses and be insured by a state you no longer live in?”

    Customer: “Yes! Do it.”

    Me: “Sorry, I can’t do it even if I wanted to.”

    Customer: “But I’m blind! I can’t see anything.”

    Me: “Sir, you have the lowest possible prescription that we make glasses for.”

    Customer: *click*

    (He calls back everyday for two weeks and curses everyone out, including my manager. Thankfully, he eventually pays the balance.)

    More Invasive Than You’d Like

    | Huddersfield, UK | Health & Body

    (I work at an optician’s office. We provide a service for customers who are diabetic where they can have a retinal screening.)

    Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

    Patient: *loudly* “I’m here for a diabetic rectal screening!”

    (There is an uncomfortable pause while the patient digests what he has just boomed out to the whole shop in a very loud voice.)

    Me: “Er…”

    Patient: “I think I got that wrong.”

    Me: “Slightly, sir.”

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