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    I Hope You’re Pool-ing My Leg

    | Somerset, England, UK | Extra Stupid

    Me: “Good afternoon, [business name]. How can I help?”

    Caller: “Yes, I’ve been looking at your seven-foot pool tables on your website, and I have a few questions.”

    Me: “Okay, that’s fine. What would you like to know?”

    Caller: “So, seven feet…is that the height?”

    Detached From (Digital) Reality

    , | Beltsville, MD, USA | Technology, Top

    (I work for an online retail store. When customers send orders to addresses different from their card, we e-mail them a Word document form. This form requires they fill it out and e-mail it back to us.)

    Customer: “I don’t understand. I’ve sent this form to you several times now.”

    Me: “Sir, I saw your e-mail, but the form wasn’t attached to it.”

    Customer: “Attached? How do you do that?”

    Me: “What program or e-mail provider do you use?”

    Customer: “I don’t know. I just write e-mails.”

    Me: “Well, is your e-mail through Outlook, or is it something in a browser, like AOL, Yahoo, or Gmail?

    Customer: “Yahoo.”

    Me: “Okay. Well, you need to look for—”

    Customer: “Hold up! I don’t even have my e-mail open. Why do I need to do this? I used your program and sent you the file.”

    Me: “What program, sir?”

    Customer: “Microsoft Office. And now it’s opening a bunch of files! 1, 2, 3, 4…20!”

    Me: “Did you click on our file a bunch of times?”

    Customer: “No! I just clicked on what you sent me! Your program is really stupid.”

    Me: “Sir, that’s not our program. We sent you a document. The program to open it is someone else’s.”

    Customer: “Well, your ‘document’ has a virus! There are 20 things on my screen now!”

    Me: “It’s not a virus, sir. Just close those windows down, and we’ll start from scratch…”

    Customer: *a few minutes later* “There. I filled out the form. You should have it.”

    Me: “Sir, did you save it and attach it to the e-mail?”

    Customer: “What do you mean? I filled it out! You should have it.”

    Me: “You have to save it and attach it to the e-mail.”

    Customer: “That’s stupid! Your program should just send it to you!”

    Me: “Sir, again, that’s not our program. That is just a Word document that you save your information in.”

    Customer: “You should use a program that just lets you fill it out and it sends the information.”

    Me: “Sorry, our documents don’t do that.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculously complicated. I’m about to cancel my order!”

    Me: “If you wish to do that sir, it’s up to you.”

    Customer: “I mean, how do you run your business? I have a Master’s in Computer Science! If I can’t figure this out, who could?!”

    Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something, Part 2

    , | Chicago, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Money, Top

    Customer: “Hi, I’d like a refund on [membership]. I never used it.”

    Me: “No problem! Actually, I’m looking at your account here and it looks like you tried to buy it, but at the time, your credit card failed and so you never actually purchased it.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have it.”

    Me: “I know. It looks like you never bought it in the first place. I’m sorry about that.”

    Customer: “But I don’t have it and I was never able to use it. So you’re not going to refund me?”

    Me: “I can’t–”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me!”

    Me: “I can’t refund you because you didn’t buy anything.”

    Customer: “That’s ridiculous! Just put the money back on my card!”

    Me: “I can’t put money back on your card because we never took any off.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe you’re refusing to refund me! This is terrible customer service.”

    Me: “Sir, you never bought anything. How can I give you back money we never took from you? Where would the money come from?”

    Customer: “Just give it to me! Why is this so hard?”

    Me: “Okay, can you look at your credit card and tell me the exact date that we charged you? If it turns out that your records are more correct than mine, I’m happy to refund you.”

    Customer: “No! I’m not going to do that! Why should I check my credit card statement!?”

    Me: “According to our records, you never bought anything. I can’t give you back money that you didn’t spend. If our records are wrong, I can refund you.”

    Customer: “I’m not going to check anything! This is the worst customer service experience I have ever had! I can’t believe you’re giving me such a hard time over such a small amount of money!”

    Me: “Actually, I’m giving you such a hard time over no money because you never bought anything.”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

    Related:
    Something For Nothing Or Nothing For Something

    The Pot Calling The Blizzard White

    | UK |

    (I work for an online store that sells mostly shoes, bags, and other accessories. This particular Christmas, the weather conditions in the UK are so bad that almost all deliveries are delayed by several days.)

    Me: “Hello, this is [name]. How can I help you?”

    Caller: “My package still hasn’t arrived. I ordered it almost five days ago. This is an outrage!”

    Me: “I apologize. All orders are currently delayed due to adverse weather conditions.”

    Caller: “Are you telling me I paid 4.50 for shipping and you can’t even deliver them to me before the 25th? This is unbelievable!”

    Me: “I apologize for the delay. We will of course refund all shipping and handling costs.”

    Caller: “You don’t understand. I want my order now! It needs to be here before Christmas! My daughter asked for those shoes specifically.”

    Me: “Your order will most likely not arrive before Christmas, but I can have a look if these particular shoes are available in any stores near you.”

    Caller: “Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to get to the store? I’m snowed in!”


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