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    Zombie Management

    | Torrance, CA, USA |

    Me: *on the phone* “**** Publishing, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “Is Mr. **** in?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, Mr. **** passed away last month.”

    Caller: “Well, when is he coming back?!”

    VIP: Very Irritating Person

    | New York, NY, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling ****. How may I direct your call?”

    Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Caller: “I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

    Caller: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “Sir, you called me.”

    Caller: “Yes, I called to let you know I’m in a meeting.”

    Me: “…” *hangs up*

    Right Place, Wrong Attitude

    | California, USA |

    (I was the second-in-command at a social services agency. One day, our receptionist asked me to take a phone call from a person who was very upset about the way she was being treated, and wanted to talk to the person in charge.)

    Me: “Hello, I’m ****, how can I help you?”

    Caller: *angry* “Are you in charge there?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am. I am the most senior person here. What can I do for you?”

    Caller: *yelling* “So you have a boss?”

    Me: “Yes, ma’am.”


    Me: “My supervisor isn’t here right now. I have the authority to help you, ma’am, if you’ll just let me know what it is you need–”


    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, my supervisor isn’t here right now. I am in charge.”

    Caller: “YOU ARE USELESS!” *hangs up*

    Me: *to the receptionist* “Did she tell you anything about what she needed?”

    Receptionist: “Yes, she said she needed to take anger management classes.”

    Now Hiring: Omniscient Employees

    | Naples, FL, USA |

    Me: ¬†”Good morning, this is ***. How may I help you?”

    Caller: ¬†”Hi there! ¬†About a month ago you guys had a festival in the
    park, right?”

    Me: ¬†”Yes, we did. It was excellent. Did you attend it?”

    Caller: ¬†”No,¬†I had just remembered seeing the ad for it in the newspaper.”

    Me: ¬†”Okay. Well, that one is over but we will be having another Christmas festival in December.”

    Caller: ¬†”That’s fantastic, but I was wondering… above your ad was an ad for a jewelry store. ¬†Do you remember?”

    Me: ¬†”No, I don’t, I’m sorry. I just placed the ad.¬†I didn’t really see it in the newspaper.”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, it was for a jewelry store… I was wondering if you knew what store it was and if you have their number handy?”

    Me: ¬†”Umm, no I don’t. Maybe you can call the newspaper and find out?”

    Caller: ¬†”Well, why don’t YOU have it?! It was above YOUR ad!”

    A Bozo By Any Other Name

    | United Kingdom |

    Me: “Hello, how may I help you?”

    (The client looks at name on desk; my name’s Hattie.)

    Client: “Your name is so stupid.”

    Me: “Sorry, sir. I can’t help that. It’s not so bad. ”

    Client: “Your parents must really hate you.”

    Me: “No, I’m sure they don’t. How can I help?”

    Client: “I want to check my registration. Name’s Horace Gumptin.”

    Me: *stifles giggle*

    Client: “Are you laughing at me? Your name rhymes with fattie!”

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