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    His Lawyers Should Have The Book Thrown At Them

    | England, UK | Books & Reading, Language & Words, Top

    (I work as a publisher. I get a visit from a very distraught client.)

    Client: “Excuse me. I’m really sorry, but I was told you were the head publisher?”

    Me: “Yes, I am. How can I help?”

    Client: “Well, I’ve been writing stories my whole life. I even written a couple for my children that they love. I’m really good at it and it’s a great passion of mine. It’s my life long dream to make a living as a writer, but nobody will even look at my novel because I’m dyslexic. I know the spelling and grammar isn’t great but I’ve had people spell-check it for me. I just need someone to give me a chance. I know my book will be a hit.”

    Me: “I’m so sorry to hear how you’ve been treated. Send me the first few pages of your book, the best scene in the book, preferably around the middle, and the last few pages, and I’ll give them a read.”

    (The client thanks me, places the ENTIRE book on my desk, and then leaves. I start to read it later that day, only to discover that not only is the spelling and grammar awful, but so is the book itself. I continue reading much more than I usually do, wanting to believe this man was truly the great writer he claimed to be. The story gets worse and worse the more I read. I read a couple of pages in the middle. Then I skip to the end, only to discover he ended the book with the most despised sentence in the literary world, ‘and it was all a dream.’ Needless to say I wrote him a rejection letter. A few days later I get a message from the receptionist, who is in tears, claiming an enraged man is here, screaming about suing us. I told her to let him in. It was our dyslexic client.)

    Client: “What is this?! You told me you were going to publish my book!”

    Me: “No, sir. I said I was going to read your book, which I did. I’m sorry but I do not believe it is suitable to be published.”

    Client: “That’s bull-s***. My book is brilliant. You have to publish it. There’s no good reason not to.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but the book’s no good. I can’t publish this.”

    Client: “Oh yeah? Name me five reasons why you can’t publish it.”

    Me: “Five?”

    Client: “Yeah, five. Otherwise there’s no reason your editing team can’t sort it out.”

    Me: “Okay. First of all, there is next to no characterisation.”

    Client: “What the f*** does that mean?”

    Me: “It means that your characters don’t develop in any way.”

    Client: “That’s complete bull-s***. What else?”

    Me: “Your main character is suppose to be the protagonist and yet has no fatal flaw. He’s perfect.”

    Client: “Main characters are supposed to be perfect. That’s why people love them. Hamlet didn’t have a ‘fatal flaw’.”

    Me: “Actually, he did. He procrastinated and it resulted in many dying.”

    Client: “You don’t know what you’re talking about. And that’s only two.”

    Me: “I’m not finished. Three, I know you are dyslexic but almost every sentence needs to be edited. That is too much work for our editor and financially would not be beneficial for the company. Four, you not only use abbreviations in the narration like BTW for ‘by the way’, but you also use words that don’t exist.”

    Client: “Like what?”

    Me: “Like the word ET. It does not exist.”

    Client: “Yeah, it does. I ‘et’ an apple.”

    Me: “Ate, sir. You ATE an apple. ‘Et’ is not a word.”

    Client: “Fine, but that’s only four.”

    Me: “And five, it’s not long enough.”

    Client: “How can it not be long enough. It’s well over 100 pages.”

    Me: “Sir, the quantity of a book is based on word count, not pages. Your book may be over 100 pages, but with the size of the paper, the size of the font, and also that you start a brand new page every time you start a new chapter, it’s too short.”

    Client: “Well, how long does it have to be?”

    Me: “The average novel is between 80,000 to 120,000 words. Your novel is just over 16,000. I have nothing against people with dyslexia and there are many great writers who have it. You, however, will not be one of those writers. I can continue to list more things wrong with your novel but I have listed the five you requested. Now I must ask you to leave my office as I am incredibly busy.”

    (The client grabs his novel from my hands and storms out. A couple of weeks later we receive a letter from a lawyer suing us for discrimination, claiming that we were not publishing the man’s novel because he was dyslexic. I had our lawyers phone his, explaining the true reasons, and also that our conversation was recorded. We never heard from him after that.)

    Must Work In A Mail-Dominated Profession

    | Enid, OK, USA | Bizarre, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (A customer calls us after moving from here to another state. She wants a copy of her insurance verifications.)

    Me: “Sure thing, where do you want me to email them to?”

    Customer: “I don’t have an email account.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: “I work for a living.”

    This Is How Democracy Dies

    | Farmington, UT, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Politics

    (I work in an election office. It’s the afternoon on Election Day, and we’ve been in a call center since 6 am, telling citizens where their designated polling place is and explaining how closed primaries work. The phone rings.)

    Me: “Hello, county elections, how may I help you?”

    Citizen: “I’ve been to three different polling places today, and they all say I’m in the wrong place!”

    Me: “Can I have your name? I’ll look up your polling place for you.”

    (The citizen gives their name.)

    Me: “It looks like your polling place is [Elementary School].”

    Citizen: “I’ve already been to three other places! How was I supposed to know that’s where my polling place was?”

    Me: “Well, we sent you a card a few weeks ago with your polling place on it. It should also be on the voter card that was mailed when you registered to vote at your address.”

    Citizen: “I have three kids! I don’t have time to read my mail!”

    Me: “In addition, we’ve listed all the polling places in the local paper for the last two weeks, and you could look up your polling place online at [website]. We’ve also had pamphlets at the local library. Or you could have called this number before you went to three different polling places.”

    Citizen: “That’s unacceptable! I want someone to come to my house on the morning of election day with a van and say, ‘Mrs. [Name], this is where you vote!’”

    Me: “Uh…”

    (And that’s how democracy dies.)

    Mail Disorder

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (The office where I work is fairly small, which results in me overhearing the receptionists’ half of the phone conversations with some of our clients.)

    Coworker: “[Office's name], how can I help you?”

    (The client talks, coworker answers the usual questions.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, I understand that but we can’t open your mail to check it for you.”

    (The client continues talking.)

    Coworker: “Yes, but as I said earlier, we can’t open your mail to check. It’s best that you get a P.O. box.”

    (The client is talking again and is apparently upset, as the coworker has a frustrated/annoyed look on her face.)

    Coworker: “Ma’am, you’ve called us many times in the past before, and we’ve said it many times before. We really recommend you to get a P.O. box, because we legally can not open your mail to check.”

    (Eventually, the client hangs up.)

    Me: “Not the first time?”

    Coworker: “Won’t be the last.”

    Answering Her Own Calling

    | CA, USA | Extra Stupid

    (I am an office manager for a window cleaning company. I schedule appointments for customers. When we perform a cleaning, the customer receives an invoice. This invoice has their name, address, and phone number on it, as well as the charges.)

    Me: “Window cleaning, how can I help you?”

    Caller: “I want to schedule an appointment. I’ve been trying to call you for over an hour and the phone is always busy. What have you been doing?”

    Me: “I’m sorry about that, ma’am. The phone shouldn’t be busy. We have several different lines all attached to our number so the answering machine or myself should have picked up.”

    Caller: “Well, you didn’t, and I’m very upset. I’ve been a customer with you for years. My name is [name].”

    (I pull up her file so I can see all her info, including her phone number.)

    Me: “Okay. I am really sorry about that. Can I ask what number you dialed?”

    Caller: *lists her phone number, not ours* “I’ve been calling it, and calling it. It’s on my invoice so it has to be the right phone number! When I kept getting the busy signal, I finally tried the number at the top of the invoice, under your company name!”

    (Apparently, the customer was dialing her own phone number for over an hour and never realized it!)

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