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    Not Worthy Of The Name

    | TX, USA | Funny Names, Theme Of The Month

    Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Finance. This is Liz. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Who?”

    Me: “This is Liz at [Company] Finance. Can I help you?”

    Caller: “Stephanie, what kind of business is this?”

    Me: “Well, this is LIZ, and we are a loan office.”

    Caller: “Stephanie, I need a liability quote for a vehicle.”

    Me: *facepalm*

    Mother Is On The Job

    | Edmonton, AB, Canada | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Family & Kids

    (My workplace provides career advice for youth and young adults. We sometimes have parents come in to ask for help. However, these parents didn’t think to bring their kid with them.)

    Mother: *walking up to the reception desk* “Are companies even hiring students?”

    Me: “Uhm… yes. Yes, they are. It’s summer – there are a lot of seasonal positions to fill.”

    Mother: “But my son can’t find a job.”

    Me: *looking behind her to try to spot her son* “It can take a little bit to find something. Has he come in to see us yet?”

    Mother: “No, he doesn’t want to.”

    Me: “Well, it would be a good first step. Does he have a resume yet? Has he written cover letters before?”

    Mother: “He’s got a resume, but I write his cover letters for him.”

    Me: *hoping I heard her wrong* “I’m sorry? You write them for him?”

    Mother: “Yeah, or he wouldn’t do it!”

    Me: “Well, he really has to be the one to write them; it’s not a good situation if the employer is under the impression your son is writing them when he’s not.”

    Mother: “Oh, I tell them.”

    Me: “Sorry?”

    Mother: “I write, ‘I’m writing on behalf of my 16-year-old son, who is in need of a job.’ They know it’s not him. He doesn’t know I’m applying to jobs for him.”

    Me: “…”

    Mother: *becoming irate* “He needs a job!”

    Me: “I understand, ma’am. But you can’t apply to jobs for your son. He has to apply for them himself.”

    Mother: “But he won’t apply on his own! All he does is sit on his a**s in the basement and play video  games!”

    Me: *trying to sound professional* “Ma’am, have you considered banning him from playing games until he applies for jobs?”

    Mother: *affronted* “I can’t do that to my son! That would be cruel! He just needs a job!”

    Me: “Well, I’m sorry, ma’am. I can’t give him a job. He has to go out and earn one for himself.”

    Mother: “Fine, then.”

    (She turned to leave and I noticed her husband had been face-palming behind her, shaking his head in shame.)

    Only Your Pen Required

    | IL, USA | Funny Names, Language & Words, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month

    (I work in an office where I assist clients with their paperwork. I am helping a male customer complete some forms.)

    Me: “All right. Now, we just need you to sign this form at the bottom here, and we’re done.”

    Customer: “What was that?”

    Me: *trying to be friendly* “Just sign here, please. We need your John Hancock.”

    Customer: “John Hancock?”

    Me: “Uh, yes. You know, your signature? Like the guy who signed the Constitution.”

    Customer: “Oh! You want me to sign it. Okay! You know, the first time someone asked me for my John Hancock, I thought they were talking about my…” *he gestures to his groin*

    Me: *quickly* “Oh… oh! No, no, sir! We just need your signature and that’s all!”

    Customer: *laughing* “Yeah, I was pretty confused!”

    Me: *quickly wrapping up his paperwork and not wanting to hear how that story ended* “Yes, sir. Well, you’re all done here. Have a great day!”

    Listed Under Idiot

    | Newcastle, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Wild & Unruly

    Me: *waiting for answer on phone* “Hello. Can I speak to [Name], please?”

    Woman: “Sorry, I don’t know anyone called [Name].”

    Me: “Is that [Company]?”

    Woman: “No, it’s not.”

    Me: “Oh, I must have dialled a wrong number. I’m sorry to have troubled you.” *hangs up*

    Me: *while checking the number I need, my phone rings* “Hello, [Company]. How can I help you?”

    Angry Man: “Who is this?”

    Me: “This is [Company] and I’m [My Name]. How can I help you?”

    Angry Man: “Where did you get this number?”

    Me: *confused* “I’m sorry, sir, but you just rang us.”

    Angry Man: “No, I didn’t. You rang me!”

    Me: *thinks he may have been on hold from another department* “Oh, well if you tell me who you were talking to I’ll try and connect you.”

    Angry Man: “I don’t want to talk to anybody. I want to know how you got this number!”

    Me: “Um, well can you tell me who you are and I’ll have a look?”

    Angry Man: “I’m not telling you my name!”

    Me: *realizes* “Is this the number I rang before?”

    Angry Man: “Yes! I used callback to find who you are and I demand to know where you got this number!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t have your number. I was trying to call someone else and made a mistake.”

    Angry man: “You’re lying. You can’t dial my number! Tell me where you got it!”

    Me: “I don’t understand. If I can’t dial your number how did I dial it?”

    Angry man: “That’s what I want to know!”

    Me: “Does your phone not receive calls?”

    Angry man: “Of course it does!”

    Me: “Then how couldn’t I dial it?”

    Angry Man: “It’s NOT LISTED!”

    Me: “Ah, I see. That doesn’t mean I can’t dial it. It just means it’s not in the phone book.”

    Angry Man: “Exactly. You’re not allowed to know it, so where did you get it from?”

    Me: “I don’t know how clearly I can say this: I rang your phone by accident. It was a mistake. I do not know your number. It was an error.”

    Angry Man: “I demand to speak to the manager!”

    Me: “I am the manager.”

    Angry Man: “What is your name?”

    Me: “I already told you; my name is [Name] and this is (company).”

    Angry Man: “I demand to know where you got my number from!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I don’t think I can explain this any clearer. If you would like to make a complaint please call us on our customer service number. You’ll find it listed in the phone book. Goodbye” *hangs up*

    This Time, It’s Personal

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Crazy Requests, Movies & TV, Rude & Risque, Technology

    (I work for a business management firm that deals primarily with people in the entertainment industry. My employer has decided to give out my personal cell phone number, without telling me, to one particular client who is incredibly needy. I receive a phone call on a weekend at about three am.)

    Me: *groggily answering the phone* “Hello?”

    Client: “There’s something wrong with my cable and I need you to fix it.”

    Me: “I… I’m sorry. I think you have the wrong number.”

    Client: “This is [My Name], right?”

    Me: “Um, yes? Who is this?”

    Client: “What? You mean you don’t recognize my voice? Seriously, how many times have I spoken to you on the phone? You should KNOW who this is.”

    Me: *I instantly figure out who it is* “Oh, hi. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize it was you. I also didn’t realize you had my personal number.”

    Client: “Yeah, [Boss] gave it to me and told me that you were on call for me whenever I needed something. I’m having a problem with my cable and I need you to fix it.”

    Me: “I’m sorry. It’s three am on Sunday. I’m not in the office and don’t have access to your information right now. What seems to be the problem, though? Have you tried calling them directly?”

    Client: “No, I haven’t called them! That’s what I pay you for! Look, I’m trying to order a movie and it’s not going through. I keep getting an error message and it tells me to call this number on the screen.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to suggest you call the number provided and see if they can help. I don’t see how I will be of much use in the middle of the night on the weekend and out of the office.”

    Client: “Listen. I NEED to get this movie. I left my laptop in the studio and I need to watch porn, okay? Do you get it now? I NEED MY F****** PORN!”

    Me: “Look. I’m sorry, but as I mentioned before there isn’t anything I can do. Either call the cable company and have them try and help or it will have to wait until I’m in the office Monday morning.”

    Client: “Well, f*** you then! Just you wait until I call [Boss] and tell him about the HORRIBLE service you are providing. This is not what I pay you for!”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Have a good night.” *hangs up*

    (Sure enough, the client did call my boss. When I came in on Monday he tried to tear me a new one for not helping out the client. I, in turn, went off on him about how unprofessional and not okay it was to give out my personal contact information without my consent and he shut up. No apology. I resigned that week.)

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