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    Silly Boy, Stamps Are For Muggles

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (A customer comes to my till with two boxes of envelopes.)

    Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you need stamps?”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “For your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What are stamps?”

    Me: “Mailing stamps…for your envelopes.”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “To mail your envelopes.”

    Customer: “Oh. No.”

    Worldly Spiritualism, Earthly Needs

    | Kansas, USA | Bizarre

    (I have been helping a 50-60 year old woman find a specific type of pen.)

    Customer: “You know why I came to this [store]? I came here because of your energy. I am your guardian angel.”

    Me: “Oh…um, okay.”

    Customer: “I sense great things from you. You are a fifth level Warrior goddess.”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    Customer: “I’m serious! You are Cleopatra reincarnate. Prince Albert reincarnate. Queen Elizabeth, the good one. You have an amazing energy!”

    Me: “That’s pretty awesome.”

    Customer: “You are a warrior goddess! Since I am your guardian, I can give you guidance, is there anything you want to know?

    Me: “I’m really okay.”

    (She then takes her Native American style beaded necklace and puts it on my forehead.)

    Customer: “You are now blessed!”

    Me: “Thank you. Do you need anything else?”

    Customer: “Where are the padlocks?”

    Let Me Guess, You Need A White Cartridge, Too

    | MA, USA | Uncategorized

    (I approach a confused looking woman standing in the ink cartridge aisle.)

    Me: “How are you today, ma’am? Can I help you find the correct ink?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thank you.”

    Me: “Do you know which cartridge or what model printer you have?”

    Customer: “No, but it’s one of these.”

    (There are literally hundreds of ink cartridges in this aisle.)

    Me: “Could you be a little more specific?”

    Customer: “Well, it takes black…”

    Data Protection Can Be Hellish

    | Champaign, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    (I notice a very well dressed woman checking out laptops.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”

    Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”

    Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”

    Me: “The apocalypse?”

    Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”

    (She pats me on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in hell.”

    Bad Company, Good Business

    | Detroit, MI, USA | Uncategorized

    (I’m a cashier, and a customer comes up to my register with a lock.)

    Customer: “Do you guys do price matching?”

    Me: “Yes, we do!”

    Customer: “Great. I’ll take it at the [medical supply store] price.”

    Me: “Alright, I’ll just need the print out.”

    Customer: “The what?”

    Me: “Well, I need proof that the other store has the same product for a lesser amount.”

    Customer: “Don’t you know what they sell it at?”

    Me: “Actually, I don’t believe they sell this at all.”

    Customer: “Well, just find a store that sells it at a lesser price and give me that!”

    Me: “Sir, I can’t do that. Unless you found the same item for a lesser price at another store, I have to charge you what our company sells it at.”

    Customer: “Why?”

    Me: “Because that’s business, sir.”

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