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  • At A Loss Either Way

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (Note: this is an office supply store.)

    Customer: “Do you sell condiments?”

    Me: *confused* “Condiments? Like ketchup and mustard? No.”

    Customer: “No, like, plastic forks.”

    Me: “You mean…cutlery?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “No, we don’t sell cutlery either…”

    Silly Boy, Stamps Are For Muggles

    | Ontario, Canada | Extra Stupid

    (A customer comes to my till with two boxes of envelopes.)

    Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you need stamps for your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “Do you need stamps?”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “For your envelopes?”

    Customer: “What are stamps?”

    Me: “Mailing stamps…for your envelopes.”

    Customer: *stares*

    Me: “To mail your envelopes.”

    Customer: “Oh. No.”

    Worldly Spiritualism, Earthly Needs

    | Kansas, USA | Bizarre

    (I have been helping a 50-60 year old woman find a specific type of pen.)

    Customer: “You know why I came to this [store]? I came here because of your energy. I am your guardian angel.”

    Me: “Oh…um, okay.”

    Customer: “I sense great things from you. You are a fifth level Warrior goddess.”

    Me: “Thank you?”

    Customer: “I’m serious! You are Cleopatra reincarnate. Prince Albert reincarnate. Queen Elizabeth, the good one. You have an amazing energy!”

    Me: “That’s pretty awesome.”

    Customer: “You are a warrior goddess! Since I am your guardian, I can give you guidance, is there anything you want to know?

    Me: “I’m really okay.”

    (She then takes her Native American style beaded necklace and puts it on my forehead.)

    Customer: “You are now blessed!”

    Me: “Thank you. Do you need anything else?”

    Customer: “Where are the padlocks?”

    Let Me Guess, You Need A White Cartridge, Too

    | MA, USA |

    (I approach a confused looking woman standing in the ink cartridge aisle.)

    Me: “How are you today, ma’am? Can I help you find the correct ink?”

    Customer: “Yeah, thank you.”

    Me: “Do you know which cartridge or what model printer you have?”

    Customer: “No, but it’s one of these.”

    (There are literally hundreds of ink cartridges in this aisle.)

    Me: “Could you be a little more specific?”

    Customer: “Well, it takes black…”

    Data Protection Can Be Hellish

    | Champaign, IL, USA |

    (I notice a very well dressed woman checking out laptops.)

    Me: “Can I help you with anything, ma’am?”

    Customer: “Yes, please. Could you tell me about the facial password feature on these laptops?”

    Me: “Sure. Certain laptops we carry can use the webcam to recognize several facial features unique to each person. Eye distance, mouth width, things like that.”

    Customer: “Well then, that’s it.”

    Me: “Ma’am?”

    Customer: “The apocalypse is coming.”

    Me: “The apocalypse?”

    Customer: “Yes. See, the Bible says that when the government starts taking over our personal lives, the apocalypse will come.”

    Me: “Ma’am, this has nothing to do with the government. It’s just another security feature.”

    (She pats me on the shoulder.)

    Customer: “That’s okay, son. I speak to God every day. I’m glad to know that when I’m up in heaven, you’ll be down here burning in hell.”

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