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    Single-Handedly Stupid

    | California, USA | Extra Stupid

    Me: “How are you doing? Did you find everything all right?”

    Customer: “No, I was looking for left-handed writing instruments, but apparently, you don’t have them. I guess I’ll have to take my business somewhere else. I feel bad for my son, though. He has been suffering.”

    Me: “Ma’am, I believe that all pencils and pens work for both right-handed and left-handed people.”

    Customer: “Then, why is he suffering? He says his hand hurts every time he writes! You don’t understand!”

    Me: “I am left-handed. I have been using the same pencils and pens as everyone else, and never had a problem.”

    Customer: “I don’t like your tone! You are so disrespectful and unsympathetic! I want to speak to your manager!”

    He Sees You When You’re Sleeping

    | Coon Rapids, MN, USA |

    (It’s about a week before Christmas. A man who is in the camera section for literally three hours finally comes up to be rung up. He is just buying a few office things. I say the regular things that we say to each customer and in the middle it turns weird.)

    Customer: “Have you been a good girl this year?”

    Me: “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Would you be on Santa’s naughty or nice list?”

    Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “I am sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Customer: “Did you ask Santa for a special toy this year?”

    Me: “Since I am not a child, no, I did not ask for a toy.”

    (I think he realizes his weird questions aren’t getting anywhere, so he is quiet for the moment. When I am done with the transaction I mumble for him to have a nice day.)

    Customer: “I hope Santa brings you a very special toy this year. You’re a very good girl!”

    Ma Earth Thanks You Anyway

    | Baltimore, MD, USA |

    (When I ring out customers with small items or few things, I ask if they want a plastic bag in the interest of not wasting one on something small.)

    Me: “And did you want a bag for your pen, sir?”

    Customer: “No, thanks. I just want the receipt. Save the tree.”

    Me: *looks questioningly* “Sir, the bag is plastic. It doesn’t come from trees.”

    Customer: “Whatever. Something about dolphins and the Amazon…” *walks out*

    Might We Suggest Anti-Virus Protection

    | Melbourne, Australia | Technology

    Customer: “My TV has a USB port and the manual says I need something to plug into it to be able to record. A HDD, or SSD, or an STD or something.”

    Me: “Oh, a hard drive! Sure, let me show you where they are.”

    (I show the customer to the hard drives and we discuss how much space he needs.)

    Customer: “So, should I get the 320GB or the 750GB STD?”

    Me: “Uh, well it depends on how much you think you’ll be recording.”

    Customer: “Well, at this price, I’ll just get the cheaper one. Then, if it fills up, I can get more. My family can swap STDs whenever they need to, then!”

    At A Loss Either Way

    | Ontario, Canada |

    (Note: this is an office supply store.)

    Customer: “Do you sell condiments?”

    Me: *confused* “Condiments? Like ketchup and mustard? No.”

    Customer: “No, like, plastic forks.”

    Me: “You mean…cutlery?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I guess.”

    Me: “No, we don’t sell cutlery either…”

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