(A male customer comes in looking for the copiers to enlarge a photo. I assist him with his copies and then return to my register. The customer continues to browse the baskets by the register.)

Customer: *holds up a flashlight* “What’s this?”

Me: “That’s a flashlight, sir.”

Customer: *holds up a packet of Post-its* “What’s this?”

Me: “Those are Post-it flags. They have adhesive on the back of one end so you can use them to mark pages in books.”

Customer: “Adhesive, huh? Sure…” *gives me a knowing smile*

Me: *confused*

Customer: *holds up some speakers* “So, what are these? Little TVs?”

Me: “No, sir…those are speakers.”

Customer: *looks slightly alarmed* “Speakers? For what?”

Me: “For a computer, sir.”

Customer: *rolls eyes* “Computers! You know, I feel terrible for leaving here without a present for the grandkids, but EVERYTHING you sell these days is poison or dynamite! It’s not SAFE!” *storms out of the store*

Me: “How are you doing? Did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “No, I was looking for left-handed writing instruments, but apparently, you don’t have them. I guess I’ll have to take my business somewhere else. I feel bad for my son, though. He has been suffering.”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe that all pencils and pens work for both right-handed and left-handed people.”

Customer: “Then, why is he suffering? He says his hand hurts every time he writes! You don’t understand!”

Me: “I am left-handed. I have been using the same pencils and pens as everyone else, and never had a problem.”

Customer: “I don’t like your tone! You are so disrespectful and unsympathetic! I want to speak to your manager!”

(It’s about a week before Christmas. A man who is in the camera section for literally three hours finally comes up to be rung up. He is just buying a few office things. I say the regular things that we say to each customer and in the middle it turns weird.)

Customer: “Have you been a good girl this year?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “Would you be on Santa’s naughty or nice list?”

Me: *feeling uncomfortable* “I am sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about.”

Customer: “Did you ask Santa for a special toy this year?”

Me: “Since I am not a child, no, I did not ask for a toy.”

(I think he realizes his weird questions aren’t getting anywhere, so he is quiet for the moment. When I am done with the transaction I mumble for him to have a nice day.)

Customer: “I hope Santa brings you a very special toy this year. You’re a very good girl!”

(When I ring out customers with small items or few things, I ask if they want a plastic bag in the interest of not wasting one on something small.)

Me: “And did you want a bag for your pen, sir?”

Customer: “No, thanks. I just want the receipt. Save the tree.”

Me: *looks questioningly* “Sir, the bag is plastic. It doesn’t come from trees.”

Customer: “Whatever. Something about dolphins and the Amazon…” *walks out*

Customer: “My TV has a USB port and the manual says I need something to plug into it to be able to record. A HDD, or SSD, or an STD or something.”

Me: “Oh, a hard drive! Sure, let me show you where they are.”

(I show the customer to the hard drives and we discuss how much space he needs.)

Customer: “So, should I get the 320GB or the 750GB STD?”

Me: “Uh, well it depends on how much you think you’ll be recording.”

Customer: “Well, at this price, I’ll just get the cheaper one. Then, if it fills up, I can get more. My family can swap STDs whenever they need to, then!”