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    Totally Bugging Out

    | USA | Bizarre, Pets & Animals

    (For the last few minutes, I’ve noticed people acting strangely towards me.)

    Customer: “Hello-”

    Me: “Hello, what can I do for you?” *smile*

    Customer: *eyes bug out* “Um. Ah. Never mind.” *practically runs*

    (I take out a small mirror to inspect my face, thinking I have some food for lunch left on it. Nothing. Bemused, I shrug and continue what I’m doing.)

    Customer: “Hello, may I get a printout of my account?”

    Me: “Of course, ma’am.”

    (The customer eyes me weirdly, but I ignore the look. Then as I look down to type, I notice something MOVING on my shirt. It’s a beetle, as black as my shirt. I’m deathly afraid of bugs.)

    Me: “Ahhh! Help! Help! Ahhh!”

    (The customer and my coworkers stared as I frantically jumped around, swiping at the front of my shirt. The manager came out to see what I was screaming about, and I finally got it off. To this day since then, people call me the Bug-Brained Boy!)

    Zip In And Zit Out

    | KS, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body

    (I’m in the office when a woman and her two children, a boy and girl, come in. The girl is here for a background check so she can work at a local grocer. The woman and her son take a seat in the small waiting area, which is pretty much in front of my desk. As I begin typing the information, I overhear this.)

    Woman: “Honey, what’s that on your nose?”

    Son: “I dunno, a bump?”

    Woman: “It’s a zit! Here, let me squeeze it.”

    Son: “What! No, the last time you did, blood came out!”

    Woman: “Just hold still. Let me pop it.”

    (At this point, I’m typing frantically, not wanting them to stay here any longer than they have to. The girl acts nonchalant about the whole thing, pretty much ignoring them.)

    Son: “But it hurts! And what if pus comes out?”

    Woman: “It ain’t gonna hurt you; it’s just yellow stuff. Now, hold still…”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have a bathroom right up the stairs behind you.”

    Woman: “Oh, thanks, honey!”

    (I handed the girl her paperwork, and they headed upstairs to the bathroom. It’s a one-person bathroom, but all three fit in at the same time. However, they decided to keep the door open so the WHOLE BUILDING heard their dialogue on popping the boy’s zit. When they left, I saw the boy with a huge crater on his nose and pus leaking out. This was probably the grossest thing I’ve ever had to witness!)

    The Power To End This Call

    | USA | Awesome Workers, Bad Behavior, Technology

    (After a expletive-laced tantrum on the phone about an issue I resolved, I’m still being screamed at by this jerk, for no reason. Finally I have had enough.)

    Caller: “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO THE F*** I AM?!”

    Me: “Sorry to interrupt your tirade, sir, but I just need to verify a few details.”

    Caller: “Okay, what?!”

    Me: “Your name is [Caller], you live at [Address], your phone number is [number], your wife’s phone number is [number], your birthdate is [date], you work at [Business,] your mother’s maiden name is [Name], and your social security number is [number], correct?”

    Caller: “Yes.”

    Me: “Do you know who I am?”

    Caller: “…”

    Me: “I’m the girl who makes eight bucks an hour to put up with the likes of you. I can ruin your life, and have another job making eight bucks an hour tomorrow. I suggest that you speak to me like a big boy. Now, is there anything else I can help you with, Mr. [social security number]?”

    Caller: “No. I’m sure you are not allowed to tell people to f*** off, so I’m just gonna do it myself.”

    Me: “Thank you, sir. Have a great day.”

    Illegally Starting An Umbrella Corporation

    | UT, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    I work in the lobby of an office building. The maintenance company we use provides tenants with large umbrellas, which I keep by the doors so employees can take one as they leave. One day it was raining really hard, and a grungy-looking man, obviously NOT one of the employees in my building (I know them all personally) goes right for the umbrella stand and grabs three.)

    Me: “Excuse me. I’m sorry, those are for tenants only.”

    Man: “They said they’re free here.”

    Me: “They are free, but only for tenants, and they’re supposed to bring them back.”

    Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I just need it for a minute. I’ll bring it back.”

    Me: “Why do you need to take three?”

    Man: “Oh… uh… because you can’t see them from your desk but I have two little kids outside in the rain.”

    Me: “…You can’t just share one? They’re really big.”

    Man: “Please, it’s raining so hard. I’ll bring them right back.”

    (I knew he was lying but my phone was ringing and I needed to get back to work, so I said “Please just take one” and answered the call. I kept an eye on him as I talked to the caller. Meeting my eyes the entire time, the man not only kept the three in his hand, he grabbed TWO MORE and dashed out the door with them before I could finish my call and tell him to stop. Later in the day, employees coming back from lunch told me that the guy was selling the umbrellas on the street corner, and no, he didn’t have any little kids with him. And that is why I keep the umbrella stand behind my desk now.)

    Rude? Yeah, Whatever

    | USA | Bad Behavior, Funny Names

    (I’m a new administrative assistant at an established private accounting firm. Since I’m new, I can’t recognize any clients by voice over the phone.)

    Me: “Good morning. [Accounting Firm]. How may I help you?”

    Client: *sounding far away like he’s on speaker* “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name].”

    (I wait a few seconds for him to continue, to give me a last name or some identifying information like most of our callers do.)

    Client: “Hellooo? Hey!”

    Me: “Yes, sir, how can I help you?”

    Client: “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name].”

    (I don’t bother waiting again and respond immediately.)

    Me: “How may I help you?”

    Client: “Helloooo? Hey! Can you even hear me?”

    Me: “Yes, sir; can you hear me?”

    Client: *now sounding like he’s off speaker and holding the phone* “Yeah, look, I got my taxes did by you and I was wondering when you guys might possibly be contemplating considering the possibility of sending in my taxes.”

    Me: “Um… okay, well, I’m just an administrative assistant; I don’t work on anyone’s taxes so I’m not sure. Do you know which accountant worked with you?”

    Client: *heavy sigh* “Yeah, I guess, maybe Jessica, or Erica, or Stephanie?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we don’t have anyone here by any of those names.”

    Client: “What about [about 15 different names in rapid succession]?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, no.”

    Client: “Well, what about [One of our accountant’s name]?”

    Me: “Yes, we have an accountant by that name.”

    Client: “Give her to me; let me talk to her.”

    Me: “Uh, sure, let me see if she’s available. Hold, please.”

    (I page the accountant and explain what’s happened so far.)

    Accountant: *laughs* “Oh, you mean Rudy?”

    Me: “Rudy? He said his name was [Very common first name].”

    Accountant: “Yeah, but I call him Rudy. Not to his face, of course. But I do it because he’s so rude. Get it?”

    Me: *giggles* “Yeah, I get it. Do you want me to send him through or to your voicemail?”

    Accountant: “Oh, voicemail him. I’m having a good day and I don’t want to talk to Rudy right now; he’d just ruin it.”

    (I switch back to the call line.)

    Me: “Thank you for holding. I’m sorry, but [Accountant] is unavailable. Would you—”

    Client: “Yeah, whatever, my name is [Very common first name] and I’m wondering when you might be considering to contemplate—”

    (I cut him off by sending the call to the accountant’s voice mail without another word. Later she calls me into her office, laughing so hard she’s in tears, and plays the message “Rudy” left.)

    Voicemail: “Yeah, whatever, this is [Very common first name] and I began to suspect I might wonder when you would possibly consider the possibility of maybe contemplating thinking about sending my taxes in.”

    (There’s a solid minute-long pause.)

    Voicemail: “So, yeah, whatever.” *hangs up*

    Accountant: “God, I love Rudy. He’s such a little p****!”

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