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  • This Round He Lost (In Translation), Part 4
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    Bagging A Deal

    , | Vancouver, Canada |

    Me: “Hello. Just so you know you with your purchase you can get any of these movies for $5.99, you save–”

    Customer: “No! You know what? I am sick and tired of you people offering me things. I can’t come to the d*** mall without getting offered a deal. If I want something I will tell you, and you will give it to me. Understand?”

    Me: “I’m sorry. Here’s your purchase.”

    Customer: “Aren’t you going to offer me a bag?”

    Viva(cious), Las Vegas

    , | Houston, TX, USA |

    (I work in a guitar shop that caters to vintage and collectible guitars. A man comes in with three guitars claiming they are all either rare or owned by famous musicians.)

    Customer: “This guitar was owned by John Lennon and used on his last album!”

    Me: “Which one?”

    Customer: “The one he made in ’85.”

    Me: “Lennon died before then. What else you got?”

    Customer: “Well, this one was played by Elvis!”

    (This seems almost plausible. The guitar is of a vintage that I knew could have been from that era.)

    Me: “Well, let me run the serial number…” *I run the serial* “Sir, this guitar was made in 1987.”

    Customer: “BUT ELVIS PLAYED IT!”

    Me: “How did a dead man play it?”

    Customer: “What? Elvis isn’t dead! I bought it from him in Las Vegas!”

    Music To My Wax-Clogged Ears

    , | Lewisville, TX, USA |

    Me: “Good afternoon, [music store].”

    Caller: “Hi, I’m looking for sheet music to a song called ‘Beautiful Star of Bethlehem’.”

    Me: “I don’t think we have it in stock, but we might be able to order it for you. ”

    Caller: “Can you deliver it to me?”

    Me: “Sorry, we don’t offer that service. How about I give you a website to go to? You can probably order it from them and have it shipped to your home?”

    Caller: “Okay, what’s the website?”

    Me: “Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, Sheetmusicplus.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, Sheetmusic.com?”

    Me: “No, SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “Oh, okay. Sheetmusic.com.”

    Me: “No. SheetmusicPLUS.com.”

    Caller: “How do you spell that?”

    Me: *I spell it out*

    Caller: “P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Oh, P-O-U-S?”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No. L as in Larry.”

    Caller: “Okay, P-O-U-S.”

    Me: “No, P-L-U-S.”

    Caller: “How do you spell ‘com’?”

    Me: “C-O-M.”

    Caller: “C-L-N?”

    Me: “No, C-O-M.”

    Caller: “Okay, Sheetmusic.com. Thank you very much! Goodbye!” *hangs up*

    Symphony In Underage Minor

    | Baltimore, MD, USA | Top

    (I work at a music store which also offers private lessons. There’s a student practicing on a piano when another customer comes in.)

    Me: “Welcome to [music store], how may I help you today?”

    Customer: “I’d like a to buy a piano for my son. He’s starting lessons next week.”

    Me: “Digital, upright, or grand?”

    Customer: “I just want a piano!”

    Me: “Certainly. This is the Roland RD-700GX, which–”

    Customer: “Is that girl for sale with that piano?” *points to the girl*

    Me: “Uh, no, ma’am. That is a student. She’s just practicing.”

    Customer: “Well, I want that girl to teach my son! How much does she cost?”

    Me: “Ma’am, she is NOT for sale.”

    Customer: “She’s not? But she’s sitting right there! This is false advertisement!”

    Me: “We sell pianos, ma’am. Not children.”

    Customer: “But it’ll be so romantic to have that playing in the background during meals!”

    Me: “Ma’am. For the last time, she is not for sale. Please stop.”

    Customer: *walks over to girl* “Hello!”

    Girl: “Uh…hi?”

    Customer: “How much do you cost?”

    Girl: *without missing a beat* “Lady, you must be really desperate if you’re looking for a hooker in a music store!”

    Customer: *quickly leaves the store*

    Songs In The Key Of Clueless

    | North Carolina, USA |

    (A customer walks in with a saxophone case, looking very worried.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

    Customer: “I want to sell my violin, it’s in great condition.”

    Me: “Certainly, can I see the violin please?”

    Customer: “Yes, sure.”

    (At this point he opens up the sax case and places a nearly new tenor sax on the table.)

    Me: “Uh, sir, that’s a saxophone, not a violin.”

    Customer: “No, no, it’s a violin. I’m sure of it.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m telling you it’s a saxophone. A violin has strings, and a bow.”

    Customer: “No. It’s a violin. You think I don’t know a violin when I see one?”

    (The argument continues in this fashion for another 5-10 minutes.)

    Me: “Sir, are you still trading this instrument in? We can sort this out later.”

    Customer: “…what’s an instrument?”

    Me: *face palm*


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