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  • Her Thoughts Are In Utero

    | NY, USA |

    Customer: “Do you have any Japanese music?”

    Me: “Yes, we have quite a large selection.”

    Customer: “That’s great. My daughter wanted something by, um, ah…”

    (I patiently wait.)

    Customer: “Oh, I can’t remember the name.”

    Me: “Don’t worry. Take your time. Maybe you could ask your daughter again?”

    Customer: “No, I got it. Something like… uterus?”

    Me: *pause* “Uterus?”

    Customer: “Hang on. I think I’ll call my daughter.”

    (The customer walks away, pulling out a cell. She comes back a minute later.)

    Customer: “Okay, I got it now. It’s Utada. Hikaru Utada.”

    The Day The Music Died, Part 3

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Customer: “Hi, do you guys have any really small guitar cases?”

    Me: “Not really. We have mandolin cases…maybe a violin case. What kind of guitar is this for?”

    Customer: “Oh, it’s not for a guitar. It’s for the recently cremated remains of my father.”

    (I try to stop the conversation from going too dark.)

    Me: “No, not really. I could phone around. See if another store has something.”

    Customer: “That’s great, just as long as it’s cheap.”

    Related:
    The Day The Music Died

    Let It Rip

    | Portsmouth, NH, USA |

    (I work at a music store, which also sells tickets to local concerts. I have just finished selling tickets to this customer.)

    Customer: “What happens if these get ripped?”

    Me: “Most of the venues will still take the ticket as long as you have all of the pieces and the concert information is legible. If the tickets do get ripped, though, be sure to call the venue ahead of time. Just to be sure they’ll still honor them.”

    Customer: “I went to [well-known amusement park] and they wouldn’t let me in because my ticket was ripped.”

    Me: “Oh, that’s too bad.”

    Customer: “I saw them ripping the tickets as people went in. I ripped mine while waiting in line, to save time. Do you know how this place will rip the tickets? I’d like to do it before I get there.”

    Me: “I thought you were talking about accidentally ripping the tickets. Yeah, I have no idea how this place will rip the tickets. You really shouldn’t rip any tickets on purpose.”

    Customer: “Why not?”

    Me: “You never know if the ripped ticket will still be honored. You might end up not getting in and wasting your money.”

    Customer: “But it saves time!”

    Hannibal On Line Two

    , | Falls Church, VA, USA |

    Me: “Thank you for calling [name of dealership].”

    Caller: “Can I speak to the body parts department?”

    Me: “Do you mean the body shop?”

    Righteous Indie-nation

    | Los Angeles, CA, USA |

    (A customer walks over to the first aisle and taps each and every last CD case with his finger while saying either ‘mainstream’ or ‘sell-out’. He proceeds to do this with every single CD in the store, which takes him about 25 minutes. He then walks up to the counter.)

    Customer: “What a bunch of mainstreamers you guys are! Don’t you have anything more obscure?”

    Me: “We do have a pretty large indie section, which you seemed to have skimmed over.”

    Customer: “You call those indie? I’ve heard of every single one of them. They’re all sell-outs.”

    Me: “So, what is it that you’re looking for?”

    Customer: “How the h*** should I know? If I’ve already heard of it, I wouldn’t buy it.”

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