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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Don’t Vex The D-Rex

    | Alberta, Canada | At The Checkout, Bigotry, Top

    (At the music store where I work, two girls who are probably in their early-mid teens approach my till, hand in hand. I go through their rather long order, and after awhile they start getting really overtly sexual—feeling one another up, biting necks, etc.)

    Me: “Excuse me, but can you please not do that in the store? That kind of behavior isn’t really appropriate for public places and it makes some of our customers uncomfortable.”

    Girl #1: “What the f***? What’s wrong with kissing my girlfriend? F***ing homophobic b****!”

    Me: “Homophobia has nothing to do with it. Those kind of activities aren’t appropriate in public when they’re disturbing others.”

    (Girl #2 by this point seems completely uncomfortable, but Girl #1 just keeps rolling along.)

    Girl #1: “It’s a**holes like you that make this world horrible! You f***ing homophobe! How dare you tell me I can’t kiss my girlfriend in public! I wanna talk to your f***ing manager! I’m going to get you fired!”

    (The Manager on Duty has been standing nearby with a huge grin on his face.)

    Me: “Yo, wanna weigh in on this, boss man?”

    Manager: “No, no. I’ll let you break it to her…”

    Girl #1: *to my manager* “You’re not going to tell her off for being a homophobe?! What, do you have a problem with queer people too, you f***ing a**hole?!”

    (My manager just folds his arms and his grin gets even bigger.)

    Manager: “Not really. She’s also the last person I’d accuse of being homophobic.” *to me* ”So how’s your girlfriend, [me]?”

    Me: “Well, she got her certification and is working as an electrician. So, pretty well I think.” *to the girls* “Incidentally, I’m not a ‘homophobic b****’… I’m a raging dykeasaurus. I also know that there’s a time and a place for groping my girlfriend, and a mall full of people isn’t on the list. It’s called public decency and has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. Now, are you going to stop swearing and act like a big girl, or am I going to void this transaction and kick you out?”

    Girl #1 & Girl #2: *both look absolutely mortified and go quiet*

    (Later on, Girl #2 actually came back with a coffee shop gift card and apologized. She was as sweet as could be and totally embarrassed. She apparently loved the word ‘dykeasaurus’, though, and I got a $10 gift card out of it!)

    For Every CD, Turn, Turn, Turn

    | Portsmouth, NH, USA | Money, Musical Mayhem, Top

    Customer: “Can I put some CDs on hold?”

    Me: “Sure, just pick out what you want and we can put them behind the counter.  However, we will only hold items for 24 hours.”

    Customer: “That’s fine. I’ll be back tomorrow morning.”

    (The customer then spends about an hour picking out approximately 20 CDs.)

    Customer: “Can you tell me how much they will be?”

    (I add up the prices using a calculator.)

    Me: “The total for the CDs is $280, but with sales tax it will be around $295.”

    Customer: “Okay, that’s fine.”

    Me: “They’ll be here behind the counter until tomorrow when we close. After that time, we’ll put them back.”

    (The customer does not come back the next day. I leave the CDs behind the counter for a few more days, just in case. About two weeks later, I’m eating my lunch in the back when a coworker interrupts me.)

    Coworker: “I’m sorry to bother you, but there’s a customer out here who says you put some CDs on hold for him. I can’t seem to find them and he’s getting really mad.”

    (I go up to the register and recognize the customer. His arms are crossed and he’s tapping his foot impatiently.)

    Customer: “Yes! You were the one! Where are my CDs?”

    Me: “Sir, I told you that we could only hold them for 24 hours. That was almost two weeks ago. I even waited a few extra days before putting them back.”

    Customer: “You didn’t tell me I only had 24 hours!”

    Me: “Yes, I’m sure that I did. I tell everybody.”

    Customer: “Do you know how long it took me to find those? Now I’m going to have to do it all over again and you’re going to help me since this is your fault!”

    (We spend about 45 minutes going around the store together. The whole time, he continues to yell at me and complain that he was never told about the 24 hour rule and I’ve made him waste his time. When he says he’s done, we bring the CDs up to the counter and I ring up everything while my coworker puts them in bags.)

    Me: “Okay, the total is $293.79.”

    Customer: “What?! How the h*** could it be that much?!”

    Me: “Well, you have about 20 CDs here. That’s why it is so much. I told you the price the last time you came in.”

    Customer: “You did not! Liar! LIAR!”

    Me: “Yes, I did. I added them up on a calculator. I told you that with sales tax the total amount would be around $295.”

    Customer: “YOU DID NOT!”

    Me: “Okay… fine, but regardless the total is $293.79.”

    Customer: “I want a discount for your lousy service!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but there will be no discount.”

    Customer: “Well, I need these CDs immediately or else I’d just walk out, but be warned that I’m going to make a complaint about you!”

    (He gives me a credit card, which is declined. He gives me another credit card, which is also declined. He wants to write a check, but our store does not accept checks for purchases over $100.)

    Customer: “I don’t have much cash! What am I going to do? Can I just write you an IOU? I’ll be back tomorrow morning with the money.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that is not possible. My only suggestions would be to put some of the CDs back—”

    Customer: “No!”

    Me: “—or perhaps we can try to spread out the total amount over the credit cards, a check, and cash.”

    Customer: “Do that!”

    (We spend quite awhile trying smaller and smaller amounts on his credit cards, but they’re all declined. He only has $6 cash, which only leaves a check.)

    Customer: “You can take a check for the whole amount, can’t you?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry.  Even if I wanted to, the register won’t accept check amounts over $100.”

    Customer: “Just put the whole thing in as cash!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that either.”

    Customer: “How about YOU pay for them and I’ll pay you back? You OWE me at least that much!”

    Me: “That is not going happen, sir.”

    (He spends a few minutes pacing and mumbling that he needs the CDs and he doesn’t understand why I won’t work with him. Eventually, he dumps the CDs out of the bags and begins to go through them.)

    Customer: “I can’t choose! Just put them all on hold for me and I’ll be back tomorrow morning!”

    Me: “Okay, but you do understand that if you do not come back by close tomorrow, that the CDs will be put back, right?”

    Customer: “YES!”

    Me: “24 hours… tomorrow… right?”

    Customer: “YES! I’M NOT STUPID!”

    (He never came back.)

    Left In The Dark Ages

    | Houma, LA, USA | Bigotry

    (Note: I am left-handed. I’m working at a music store when the most wonderfully old-fashioned customer comes in.)

    Me: “Hello, ma’am, welcome to [store]! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Oh… oh, my! Are you writing with your LEFT hand?” *pulls a cross on a necklace from under her shirt*

    Me: “Yes, ma’am, I’ve always been left handed. Is there anything I can assist you with?”

    Customer: *frantically waves the cross around* “I’m sorry. I can’t shop here. You lefties are so unnatural; I thought they stamped you all out in elementary school!”

    On The Straight And Narrow (Minded), Part 2

    | New York, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (Note: My coworker (who is flamboyantly homosexual) and I are the only two people working at the time.)

    Coworker: “Hey ya, how’re you doing today? Is there anything we can help you find?”

    Customer: “Leave me alone.”

    Coworker: “I’m sorry, is something wrong?”

    Customer: “I said leave me alone!”

    (While the customer browses, I head to the back to get some categorizing done. I come back at the request of my coworker, only to hear the customer yelling.)

    Customer: “I will NOT be serviced by some f****t! You people are gonna burn in h***, and I don’t want you taking me down with you!”

    Coworker: *on the verge of tears* “Sir, I’m really just trying to—”

    Customer: *points to me* “HIM! Let HIM help me! Ain’t no f****t gonna handle my records! You, there! With the beard! Come help me, please!”

    (Instead of helping the customer, I wrap my arm around my coworker’s shoulder. Note that I’m not gay.)

    Me: “Is my boyfriend unable to help you with your transaction, sir?”

    Customer: *looks horrified and sprints out of the store*

    Related:
    On The Straight And Narrow (Minded)

    Mentally Unplugged

    | San Diego, CA, USA | Musical Mayhem

    Me: “Hi, [music store], this is [my name]. How may I direct your call?”

    Customer: “Where the h*** do I plug this guitar in?”

    Me: “Oh, you have an electric guitar there? And an amplifier?”

    Customer: “Yeah, I just bought this beginner’s all-in-one package from you guys, and when I opened the box, there’s a cord missing.”

    Me: “Um, if you bought the ‘Strat Pack’, it should come with a six foot black cable in a plastic bag.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I have that. But where do I plug it in?”

    Me: “Just plug one end into the guitar near the bottom, and the other end into the amp where it says ‘input’.”

    Customer: “No, I got that already. Where do I plug it in?”

    Me: “Um…you already have it connected to the amp?”

    Customer: “Yeah, now how do I plug it in? There’s no cord!”

    Me: *confused* “Um, I don’t think I understand how you can plug in the guitar and not have it plugged in.”

    Customer: “It’s plugged in to the amp already! The amp is plugged in to the wall! How do I plug the GUITAR in to the WALL? It’s an ELECTRIC guitar, right?”

    Me: “Ohhh! If you already have it plugged in from the guitar to the amp, then it should work already. Did you try turning on the amp and strumming the guitar yet?”

    Customer: “That’s not how it works, is it?!”

    (I hear fumbling noises in background, followed by a very loud “TWANG!”)

    Customer: “Well, how the h*** did that happen?”

    Me: “Got it okay now?”

    Customer: *slams phone down with a BANG*

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