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    Justice Is Music To My Ears

    | MO, USA | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests

    (I have been employed at this store for maybe two weeks and haven’t learned the antiquated computer system for instrument rentals yet. A customer comes in and asks for a used instrument to rent monthly. I go down into the catacombs, pick out the best quality one [as I was trained to do] and come back up after about five minutes. I input her stuff into the computer, and can’t get it to print correctly.)

    Customer: “I’m getting really tired of waiting.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, this is my first time doing a monthly contract and I’m not sure—”

    Customer: “I would have loved to have been there for your job interview. What, are you related to someone?”

    Me: “Pardon?”

    Customer: “I mean seriously, are you working this job to get through DeVry? Just print the d*** contract.”

    Me: “I’m trying to, ma’am, but—”

    Customer: “It took you so long to get back up from the basement because you got lost, right?”

    (She continues this tirade for the next five minutes as I keep trying – and failing – to print her contract correctly. Finally, my boss walks out of his office.)

    Boss: “Ma’am, we won’t be renting you this instrument today. You should go.”

    Customer: “Excuse me?”

    Boss: “Believe it or not, [My Name] is worth more than a clarinet, and based on how you’ve treated him, I can only imagine the horrible stuff you’d put a clarinet through. You should go.”

    Customer: “Well, if this MORON actually had two brain cells—”

    Boss: “This moron has read more books than you have sentences. Please leave.”

    Customer: “Fine, I’ll go, but I’m going to tell all my friends not to come here.”

    Boss: “The way you treat people? You don’t have any friends. Goodbye, and don’t come back.”

    (She storms out, as I stand flabbergasted.)

    Boss: “I’d rather close than serve customers like that.”

    (Best. Boss. EVER.)

    The Son Of Mondegreen

    , | USA | Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    (I am looking for new albums in a music store when I overhear a conversation.)

    Customer #1: *singing ‘The Monster,’ a song of Eminem ft. Rihanna* “I’m friends with the monster, the son of my bed.”

    Customer #2: “Your lyrics are wrong. It’s ‘that’s under my bed.’”

    Customer #1: “Seriously, how can a monster fit under a bed?”

    Customer #2: “‘The monster under the bed’ is an expression used by children and the song uses this expression to depict the artist’s struggles in overcoming his demons. And besides, how can a monster be a son of a bed?”

    They Should Screen Customers Like This

    | St. Louis, MO, USA | At The Checkout, Bad Behavior, Extra Stupid, Technology, Theme Of The Month

    (We have a touch screen tablet/kiosk in store that allows you to create a playlist for making custom CDs. One day, a man is shouting and punching the screen trying to get it to work. I come over to help him.)

    Customer: “This f****** thing is broken. It won’t accept any of the letters when I press them!”

    Me: “Please be gentle with the device. I’ll show you how easy it is to use.”

    (I show him, and after a few minutes he tries again, pressing the space between the letters instead of any actual letters.)

    Customer: “Your cheap-a** tablet is the reason I can’t figure it out!”

    (I just stand there letting him vent, all while finishing his list of songs. When it is done he wants to enter his name, and goes back to jamming the screen with his finger and cursing loudly.)

    Me: “I will finish it for you. The total will be [total].

    Customer: “That’s way too expensive! Never mind.”

    (The customer then just simply walks away. I turn around to see my coworkers laughing at me. Great days in retail!)

    Waxing Lyrical On The Lyrics

    | Seattle, WA, USA | Awesome Customers, Language & Words, Musical Mayhem

    Elderly Customer: “I’m trying to learn this song. Do you have music for ‘Your Mind Is On Vacation And Your Mouth Is Workin’ Overtime’?”

    Me: “No, but now I want to learn it, too!”

    Elderly Customer: “No s***, right?!”

    Mr. Tambourine Can

    | ON, Canada | Bizarre, Musical Mayhem

    (I work in a music store that sells musical instruments and sheet music. The phone rings.)

    Me: “[Music Store]. How may I help you?”

    Caller: “Hi. Do you have a ten-inch tambourine?”

    Me: “We might. Just a minute, I’ll go check.”

    (I come back to the phone holding the requested item.)

    Me: “Hello. Yes, we do have one in stock.”

    Caller: “So can you tell me how big it is?”

    Me: “Um… It’s ten inches.”

    (There’s a moment of silence, and then I realize that it’s a somewhat valid question as the caller may not know how tambourines are measured: diameter, circumference or radius… although the latter two would be pretty strange, I think. Still, I give him the benefit of the doubt and add:)

    Me: “… in diameter.”

    Caller: “So, is that like, the size of the lid on a paint can?”

    Me: “I don’t know. Is it a ten-inch paint can?”

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