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    Tall Tail Tales

    | BC, Canada | Pets & Animals

    (I am working in the lobby of a large museum. We have a whale skeleton hanging from the ceiling. On a different floor, there is a limited time exhibit on dinosaurs.)

    Woman: *points to large hanging skeleton* “Excuse me, what kind of animal is that?”

    Me: “That’s a whale. It’s one of our prize—”

    Woman: “That can’t be a whale! It has a tail!”

    Me: “Um, I can assure you it’s a whale. Whales have tails.”

    Woman: “Oh, I see. It’s like one of those weird prehistoric shark things?”

    Me: “Well, actually this is an average modern-day whale—”

    Woman: “But this is the dinosaur museum! And it’s got a tail!”

    Me: “Actually, the dinosaur exhibit’s right upstairs.”

    Woman: “Great! Maybe someone up there will be able to tell me what this is.”

    Me: “It’s a whale.”

    Woman: “It has a tail!”

    The Only Thing He’s Paying For Is Lip Service

    | Tampa, FL, USA |

    (Note: I’m an unpaid museum volunteer with a vest that obviously says volunteer. A well-dressed patron approaches me.)

    Me: “Hello, sir, how are you?”

    Patron: “I need to speak to the President, please.”

    Me: “Are you talking about the Vice Presidents or just the President?”

    Patron: “You know d*** well who I’m talking about, now get me to him! I’m the one who controls YOUR paycheck!”

    Me: “I’m a volunteer, sir.”

    Patron: “Oh…” *walks away*

    Mother’s Little Yeller

    | Massachusetts, USA | Awesome Customers, Family & Kids, Top

    Me: “A few quick rules before we begin our tour: we don’t allow photography inside the museum and, as everything inside is antique, please try not to touch anything.”

    (At this point, I like to make a side note to any kids in the group to make them feel important. I turn to one of the visitor’s daughters at the front, who is about six years old.)

    Me: “Now, everyone always assumes that I’m talking to you when I go over these rules, but really, I know that you know how to behave. The grownups, on the other hand, think they can do anything because they’re grownups. So you keep an eye on your parents for me, okay?”

    (The visitor’s daughter grins and nods. Sure enough, a few minutes later…)

    Me: “The bed curtains on the bed in here were handmade by a local woman out of homespun linen. She did all the work herself and it took her nearly ten years to—”

    Visitor: “Wow, this is amazing!”

    (The visitor grabs the 250-year-old fabric and starts rubbing it between her fingers.)

    Visitor’s Daughter: *immediately smacks the visitor’s hand away* “Mummy you stop that! You heard what the nice lady said! Grownups have to follow the rules, too!”

    Visitor: *hangs head in shame*

    Other Visitor: “Oh my God, it worked!”

    (The visitor’s daughter gave me a high five on the way out!)

    This Apple Fell Far From Its Tree, Part 2

    | Boston, MA, USA | Extra Stupid, Family & Kids

    (I work at a museum catering to children. A man and his son are examining our electronic magnifier, which has clear instructions in large type right next to it.)

    Dad: *yanking and knocking on machine* “How does this stupid thing work?!”

    Son: “Well, did you read the directions?”

    Dad: “What directions?!”

    Son: “The words under that big sign that says ‘Directions’.”

    Related:
    This Apple Fell Far From Its Tree

    Weekend Roundup: Attack Of The Tax!

    , , , , , | Not Always Right | Roundups

    Attack Of The Tax! Tax season may be over in the U.S., but what happens when you mix clueless customers and too-high taxes? A ca-tax-trophe, that’s what!

    1. War Can Be Taxing:
      The Revolutionary War of 2012: Founding Fathers doing revolutions in their graves due to a brainless populace!
    2. Taxation With Agitation:
      It’s like the Boston Tea Party…except in a gas station…in Tennessee…
    3. Bacon, Lettuce, and Taxes:
      We know that fast food customers will eat anything, but we never knew taxes could be tasty!
    4. Taxing Customers:
      However you add things up, this retail customer is minus a few brain cells.
    5. Fortunately, It’s Raining Pork Barrels And Earmarks:
      Wonder where your tax dollars go? To humongous, lake-covering umbrellas, of course!

    PS #1: check out our new Extras section, with pictures, videos, and news galore!

    PS #2: Read more roundups here!

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