(This museum has a large Titanic exhibit. Many of the rescued survivors were brought to Halifax after the ship sank. Many of the recovered bodies of the vicitms are buried here as well. A tourist approaches me.)

Tourist: “So, is Leonardo Di Caprio buried upstairs?”

(I work in a museum. I don’t answer phone calls when I am working with visitors, and have missed multiple phone calls from the same number. They never leave a message. All pertinent information such as hours and admission prices are on the phone message. A visitor approaches the desk.)

Me: “Welcome to the museum!”

Visitor: “You never answer the phone.”

Me: “I do if I have the opportunity.”

Visitor: “I’ve called several times in the last week.”

Me: “That was you?”

(I verify their name matches the caller ID.)

Me: “If you’d left a message, I would have gotten back to you.”

Visitor: “I didn’t want to leave a message. I just wanted to see if you were open.”

Me: “The voicemail message should say that our hours are–”

Visitor: “Yes, I know when your hours are!”

Me: “Then why did you keep phoning?”

Visitor: “I wanted to see if you were actually open!”

Visitor: “Excuse me, miss, is that a door?” *points to the door as two people walk through it*

Me: “Yes?”

Visitor: “Oh…well, can I walk through it?”

Me: “Yup, you sure can.”

Visitor: “Are you sure? I don’t remember there being a door here before.”

Me: “Ma’am, I can assure you that you are staring at a real door and it is perfectly safe to use.”

Visitor: “I’m confused. I’m just going to use the doors downstairs.”

Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. We do not allow the use of photography in the museum.”
 
Guest: “I wasn’t taking a photograph!” *shows me her phone*
 
Me: “Sorry, the way you were holding your phone looked as if you were taking a photograph. Although not only did you take a photograph, but you saved it as your cell phone wallpaper and are currently showing it to me.”

(I work in the astronomy section of my local natural history museum, which features several large NASA photos. A visitor approaches me and points at a picture of an astronaut doing a spacewalk.)

Visitor: “What is that astronaut doing?”

Me: “Oh, he’s doing a spacewalk.”

Visitor: “You can walk…in space?!”

Me: “Well, no. They just sort of float there while tethered to the spacecraft. They only do it when they need to exit the shuttle to do repairs.”

Visitor: “Oh…” *points at a photo of Apollo 11 launching* “What’s that?”

Me: “That’s Apollo 11 launching to put the first humans on the moon.”

Visitor: “Oh…why didn’t they just build a big ladder?”