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    He Is, If You’re A Belieber

    | Surrey, England, UK | Movies & TV

    (I work the concession stand in a movie theater.)

    Me: “Good afternoon! How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working today?”

    Me: *very confused* “Excuse me?”

    Customer: “Is Justin Bieber working here today?”

    Me: “Justin Bieber has a record contract across the pond. Why would he work here?”

    Customer: “Guess not then.”

    (The customer and two friends leave. A couple of hours later, a lanky teenager with hair very much like Bieber’s comes down to the concessions stand.)

    Me: “Sorry, but do your friends call you Justin Bieber?”

    New employee: *exasperated* “Yes, why?”

    Me: “They were here not that long ago, but I didn’t realize they were talking about someone that looks like Justin Bieber.”

    Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight, Part 2

    | Massachusetts, USA | Movies & TV

    (I’m a projectionist at a movie theater, so every once in a while, I have to deal with customer complaints. We have 3D movies that are extremely blurry if you don’t wear the glasses that we give you.)

    Old woman: “Excuse me, I would like a refund.”

    Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am. What seems to be the problem?”

    Old woman: *waving 3D glasses at me* “I don’t know how much extra I paid for these stupid things, but my movie wasn’t in 3D!”

    Me: I’m sorry, ma’am. Which movie did you go see?”

    Old woman: “I saw [movie only available in 3D] with my grandson and I didn’t have to use these things at all, not even once!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but since you sat through the whole movie, I can’t give you a refund. That movie is also extremely blurry if you don’t use the glasses we give you.”

    Old woman: “But I didn’t use them at all and it looked just fine–just not 3D!”

    (As she storms away angrily with a boy of about 5 in tow, she gets into her car and almost hits a young couple walking across the parking lot on her way out.)

    Related:
    Eyesight Only As Good As Hindsight

    One Night And One Night Only

    | Minneapolis, MN, USA | Movies & TV

    Caller: “I notice on your website that you show [kid's movie] at midnight.”

    Me: “Yes ma’am, that is correct.”

    Caller: “Why would you do that? No little kid is going to see that movie at midnight!”

    Me: “Ma’am, we have midnight showings for all movies, no matter the intended audience.”

    Caller: “Well, how am I supposed to bring my kids to a midnight showing? This is a formal complaint and I would like to speak to your manager.”

    Me: “Just one second, ma’am, I will send you to a manager.”

    (I connect the caller with a manager.)

    Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to take my kids to see this movie if it only shows at midnight?”

    Manager: “Ma’am, that is just the day before it is released. It will show many other days at normal times.”

    Caller: “Well, why didn’t anybody ever tell me that?!”

    Nuts All Around

    | Cincinnati, OH, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

    (I’m working at the concession stand. A woman and her grandson walk up to my register.)

    Customer: “One bag of M&Ms and a drink.”

    Me: “Would you like plain, peanut, or peanut butter?”

    Customer: “Plain! He can’t have peanuts, he’s very allergic.”

    (The transaction continues as normal, and they purchase popcorn, which is commonly made with peanut oil at other theaters.)

    Me: “Just so you know, our popcorn is made with coconut oil instead of peanut oil, so he can eat that.”

    Customer: *stops dead in her tracks* “No! Coco-NUT! It’s a nut. He can’t eat it.”

    (I can’t manage a response before she walks off with her grandson.)

    Manager: *walks over, laughing* “Did that really just happen?”

    Justice Is (Self) Served

    | Attleboro, MA, USA | Food & Drink, Movies & TV

    (This occurred approximately 4-5 years ago, but continues to be a favorite to tell the newbies. There are four concession stand workers and we are all on one side of the stand talking late one night.)

    Me: *returning from other side* “Hey guys, did we remove the salted pretzel from the display?”

    Coworker #1: “Not that I know of.”

    Coworker #2: “Yeah, that’s weird. Maybe the manager knows.”

    (She finds our manager.)

    Coworker #2: “Did you get rid of the pretzel display model?”

    Manager: “No.”

    Coworker #1: “You don’t think someone stole it do you?”

    Coworker #2: “No, that would be stupid!”

    (Then, we see a teen wandering the lobby looking a little bewildered, munching on a pretzel.)

    Me: “Um…did you get that pretzel from the case there?”

    Customer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “That is a display model only. It has been there for a year and a half. It’s also been treated with shellac.”

    (The customer takes a bite.)

    Customer: *muffled* “Tastes pretty good to me!”

    (The customer wanders off unsteadily and we all stare in utter shock.)

    Manager: “Keep an eye on him. He’s probably going to be violently sick.”

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