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  • August Theme Of The Month: Best. Customer. Ever!

    Just Shut Up And Watch Your Movie

    | Northbrook, IL, USA | Uncategorized

    (A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

    Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that ok?”

    Customer, pointing to the display case of pretzels: “Why can’t I have one of those?”

    Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

    Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

    Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

    Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

    Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

    Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

    Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”

    The Adventures Of Captain Obvious

    , , , , | Everywhere | Uncategorized

    Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
    Customer: “What’s the difference?”


    Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
    Customer: “Which one is bigger?”


    Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”


    Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”


    Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”


    Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”


    Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”


    Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”


    Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
    Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”


    Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
    Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”


    Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
    Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
    Me: “Yes.”
    Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
    Me: “Yes…”
    Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘

    One Bad Joke Deserves Another

    | Movie Theater | Uncategorized

    (I was once a ticket taker at a movie theater. The passageway to the restrooms looked exactly like the passageways to the auditoriums, and it had a small marquee above it, just like an auditorium. Naturally, the marquee displayed the word “Restrooms.”)

    2,137th patron who thinks he is making an original joke, pointing at the “Restrooms” marqee: “Is that film any good?”

    Me, getting tired of the lame joke: “I thought it was OK, but the reviews have been in the toilet.”

    Socrates Meets The Elevator

    | Edmonton, Alberta, Canada | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Is there an elevator to the theatre?”

    Me: “Yes, directly across from me.”

    (The customer walks to the front of elevator and starts yelling…)

    Customer: “How does this thing work?!”

    Me: “Press the button and when the doors open, get in and press floor number 2.”

    Customer: “No, how does this thing work?”

    Me: “Do you mean the physics behind elevators? This brand of elevator…or something more specific?”

    Customer: “No, how does it work with me?”

    (My phone is ringing and I must go answer it in a different room. I wander off. Ten minutes later, customer is still arguing with elevator. I leave for lunch…a very long lunch.)

    Entropy Strikes Again

    | Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

    (A woman came up to the concession counter with a tub of popcorn.)

    Me: “Yes, can I help you?”


    Me: “It is? That’s weird, it shouldn’t be. I just made several batches, so I can get you another one.”

    (The popcorn was ice cold, which was odd considering it usually stayed warm for a few hours.)

    Me: “Just wondering, when did you buy this popcorn?”

    Woman: “Yesterday.”

    Me: “…”

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