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    Always Right, Even If It Requires Changing The Space-Time Continuum

    | Oklahoma City, OK, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the box office, obviously very angry. She throws a newspaper down onto the counter.)

    Customer: “Sir, these show times are wrong.”

    Me: “Ma’am, those are yesterday’s show times.”

    Customer: *smugly* “Well, why are they in today’s paper?”

    Me: “That’s yesterday’s paper.”

    Customer: “Oh… well, they’re still wrong!”

    Me: “…”

    Stuck On Fast Forward

    | Texas, USA |

    Me: “Hi there, how are you today?”

    Customer: “A medium popcorn.”

    Just Shut Up And Watch Your Movie

    | Northbrook, IL, USA |

    (A customer walks up to the movie theater concession stand.)

    Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

    Customer: “Yes, I’d like a cinnamon pretzel, please.”

    Me: “We don’t have any of those prepared right now, so it will be about five minutes. Is that ok?”

    Customer, pointing to the display case of pretzels: “Why can’t I have one of those?”

    Me: “Oh, those are just for display. They’re covered in chemicals and have been there for ages.”

    Customer: “So they’re not real pretzels?”

    Me: “No, they’re real pretzels, just not really edible.”

    Customer: “Well, you shouldn’t have them out if people can’t get them.”

    Me: “We put the display case out so people can see what they’re like.”

    Customer: “I still don’t understand why you have fake pretzels out instead of real ones.”

    Me: “Look, even if you could eat those pretzels, look at the case; there’s no way to open it!”

    Customer: “Fine. It still seems stupid to have fake pretzels.”

    The Adventures Of Captain Obvious

    , , , , | Everywhere |

    Me: “Would you like the 4-piece meal or the 6-piece meal?”
    Customer: “What’s the difference?”

    ——–

    Me: “Would you like the quarter pound classic burger or the half pound classic burger?”
    Customer: “Which one is bigger?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How big is the 6 inch?”

    ——–

    Customer: “How many come in a four-pack?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Is your Sunday special on Sundays only?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Does your turkey chic pea chili soup have beef in it?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What flavor is your vanilla ice cream?”

    ——–

    Customer: “What’s the difference between the lemon and the vanilla?”

    ——–

    Customer: “Hi, do you sell books here?”
    Me: “This is a bookstore, ma’am.”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Pittsford Plaza Cinema, how may I help you?”
    Customer: “Yes, hello. Are you located in the Pittsford Plaza?”

    ——–

    Me: “Thank you for calling Saltgrass Steakhouse in Meyerland Plaza where our gift cards make great holiday stocking stuffers. How may I assist you?”
    Customer: “Hi, is this Saltgrass?”
    Me: “Yes.”
    Customer: “In Meyerland right?”
    Me: “Yes…”
    Customer: “Do you have giftcards?”‘
    *click*

    One Bad Joke Deserves Another

    | Movie Theater |

    (I was once a ticket taker at a movie theater. The passageway to the restrooms looked exactly like the passageways to the auditoriums, and it had a small marquee above it, just like an auditorium. Naturally, the marquee displayed the word “Restrooms.”)

    2,137th patron who thinks he is making an original joke, pointing at the “Restrooms” marqee: “Is that film any good?”

    Me, getting tired of the lame joke: “I thought it was OK, but the reviews have been in the toilet.”


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