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    You Have No Brrraaaiiins

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [theater]!”

    Customer: “Hi. Is Dead Snow a horror movie?”

    Me: “Kind of…it’s about zombies.”

    Customer: “So, it’s a documentary?”

    They Do Have A Point

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “I want two tickets to Precious.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, that doesn’t come out in this state until the 20th. It only opened limited in a few states today, but no theater in North Carolina will get it until November 20th.”

    Customer: “I looked on the website! It said you had it!”

    Me: “Please come inside to the customer service counter.”

    (I pull up our website and the Precious movie website.)

    Me: “See, both sites say that it doesn’t open here until the 20th. Sorry about the mix up.”

    Customer: “But Oprah said it would be playing!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but Oprah has no control over our movie schedules.”

    Customer: “Oprah controls EVERYTHING!”

    Be Scared Of Customers You Will

    | Fort Worth, TX, USA | Geeks Rule, Movies & TV, Top

    (At the theater where I work, the new Star Wars movie has just premiered a few days prior.)

    Me: “Good evening, sir. Can I see your ticket please?”

    Customer: “The force is strong with this one.”

    Me: “Okay, I take it you’re seeing our new Star Wars movie? It’s a really good movie, sir.”

    Customer: “I challenge you to a light-saber battle!”

    (Suddenly, the customer whips out two light-sabers from under his cloak.)

    Me: “Sir, I’m actually working right now, but your movie will start in fifteen minutes. If you’d like, you can head into the theater.”

    Customer: “Challenge you I have. Defeat you I will!”

    Me: “No, not today sir. Work I must.” *light laughter*

    Customer: “But…but I have challenged you! I sense the force within you is strong!”

    Me: “Really?”

    Customer: *nods*

    Me: *looks around* “Alright, just give me one.”

    (He then proceeds to give me the green lightsaber and stands back in a fighting pose. I very weakly go to cross swords with him when my manager comes up behind me.)

    Manager: “So we play games while we’re on the clock now, do we?”

    (I turn to address my manager when literally, in the swiftest motion I’ve ever seen, the patron stabs me in the stomach with the lightsaber, takes the one from my hand and runs out the back side door to the movie theater.)

    Manager: “Well?”

    (Literally defeated, I head back to work.)

    I Hate It When I Miss Kilometer-Wide Spaceships, Too

    | Calgary, AB, Canada |

    Customer: “Excuse me, I was just wondering…I see some signs out there on the front door that say ‘Theaters For Humans Only.’ Can you tell me what those are?”

    Me: “Oh, those are some promotional signs for an upcoming movie, District 9. They’re designed to look like real warning signs as part of a viral marketing campaign.”

    Customer: “Oh, cool! So what’s the movie going to be about?

    (I explain the overall plot to the customer. Halfway through, her boyfriend returns from the restroom and listens quietly while I finish explaining.)

    Me: “…so the aliens land in South Africa, and they end up becoming like refugees.”

    Customer’s boyfriend: *completely serious* “Wait, hang on a second…so are the aliens real?!”

    Me: “Oh, no. It’s the plot to this movie called District 9.”

    Customer’s boyfriend: “Oh, good! I thought there’d been some news report and I’d missed it or something. Wouldn’t want to feel silly!”

    Klingon To The Hope Of A Ticket

    | London, UK | Geeks Rule, Top

    Customer: “Two tickets for Star Trek, please.”

    Me: “That showing has sold out, sir.”

    Customer: “What! That’s impossible!”

    Me: “The IMAX is very popular sir. I am afraid we don’t have any more seats until tomorrow.”

    Customer: “I need to see this movie! You’re not a Star Trek fan. You wouldn’t understand! Please sell me a ticket!”

    Me: “I would love to sir, but the needs of the one or the few do not outweigh the needs of the many.”

    Customer: *recognizing my quote from Star Trek* “I see. I suppose I couldn’t say that sometimes the needs of the one or the few do outweigh the needs of the many?”

    Me: “No sir, that would be quite illogical.”

    Customer: “Hmm, you’re good.”

    Me: “I must have the lobes for business.”

    Customer: “Two tickets for tomorrow then, please.”

    Me: “Very good, sir.”

    Customer: “Live long and prosper!”


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