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    Beating Around The Bush

    | Denver, CO, USA |

    (I’m working the box office and a woman storms up to the counter, holding a copy of a popular satire newspaper.)

    Customer: “Have you seen this?”

    Me: “Yeah, I read it all the time.”

    Customer: “How can they get away with this?”

    (She pushes the newspaper against the glass, and I can see a humorous picture of the President.)

    Me: “I think that’s photoshopped.”

    Customer: “No, it’s real! This is un-American! To degrade the office of the president by publishing this photo, it’s treasonous!”

    Me: “You know it’s a joke, right?”

    Customer: “What?”

    Me: “It’s a parody newspaper. Nothing in it is actual news.”

    Customer: “No, no, no, it was on the news stand. I paid for this, and they’re defaming the president!”

    Me: “It’s also free.”

    Customer: *pauses*

    Me: “Would you like a ticket?”

    Customer: “One for Sicko…”

    So She Thinks She Can Dance

    | Washington, USA |

    (A little old lady approaches me and a new employee while we’re standing in the movie theater lobby.)

    Customer: *dances*

    Me: “That’s nice, ma’am.”

    Customer: *continues dancing*

    Me: “Um…I don’t know how to respond to that.”

    Customer: *continues dancing*

    Me: “I’m sorry, I really don’t know how to respond.”

    Customer: “You could say ‘You’re a great dancer!’” *walks toward the
    concession stand*

    New guy: “Does that happen often?”

    Me: “No. Believe it or not, that’s actually a new one.”

    Dance of the Eye Gouger Fairies

    | Olympia, WA, USA |

    (Our office sells tickets to two different locations that are no more than 10 minutes apart for event and performances that are often very different. A caller is inquiring about one of these performances.)

    Me: “This performance is at [address].”

    Customer: “Wait, it’s at [address]? Oh, that’s too far to drive. Is there anything happening downtown that day?”

    Me: “Yes, sir. There is a performance of the Nutcracker that evening.”

    Customer: “Oh. Well, I think I’d rather gouge my eyes out than be exposed to culture! I’ll have to call you back.”

    Getting To The Root Of The Problem

    | Phoenix, AZ, USA |

    (I am selling souvenir programs and backpacks for Legally Blonde: The Musical in the lobby. The customer I’m talking to is a brunette; so am I.)

    Me: “Would you like a souvenir program?”

    Customer: “But you’re not blond.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am? Would you like a program?”

    Customer: “This is Legally Blonde! You should be blond.”

    Me: *thinking she’s joking* “You know, it’s funny…I was blond for six months and just dyed my hair back to my natural color before I found out this show was coming.”

    Customer: *completely serious* “But you are not blond!”

    Me: “No ma’am, I am not.”

    Customer: “Why would they let you sell things for the show when you are not blond?”

    Me: “Well, you don’t have to be blond to work at the theater.”

    Customer: “But it’s Legally BLONDE!”

    Me: *giving up* “You see, ma’am they needed someone who could do math, so they got a brunette.”

    Customer: “Oh, that makes sense. I will take two, then!”

    Another customer behind her: “Well played. Now I feel like I have to buy one!”

    You Have No Brrraaaiiins

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Me: “Hi, welcome to [theater]!”

    Customer: “Hi. Is Dead Snow a horror movie?”

    Me: “Kind of…it’s about zombies.”

    Customer: “So, it’s a documentary?”

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