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    Gift Barred

    | Toronto, ON, Canada |

    (A guest orders her ticket and pulls out her wallet.)

    Customer: “Oh, I have a gift card!”

    (The guest holds out white plastic card with our logo on it.)

    Me: “This is an employee swipe card. We use them for signing in and out at the beginning and end of a shift.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Me: “Where did you get this?”

    Customer: “I found it.”

    (The guest is about to return the card to her wallet.)

    Me: “I’m going to need to hold on to that…”

    Pray It’s Not Sold Out At Times Square

    | Toronto, Canada |

    Customer: “Two senior tickets for [film].”

    Me: “I’m sorry, we’re no longer playing that film.”

    Customer: “What? But you were playing it yesterday!”

    Me: “Well, we usually get new movies on Friday.”

    Customer: “My friend looked online and it said it was playing here.”

    Me: “What website did you friend go to? Did it say the film would be playing here on Friday? Sometimes the websites get the movie listings wrong.”

    Customer: “This is outrageous! I’m a native New Yorker and if this was New York, you’d be shot!”

    Elementary, My Dear Mr Darcy

    | Utah, USA |

    Customer:“I want a refund! Sherlock Holmes was possibly the worst film adaptation of a Jane Austin book I’ve ever seen!”

    Me:Sherlock Holmes was not written by Jane Austen. It was written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

    Customer:“I thought there was something odd about it. Well, I guess it really is nothing at all like her other books. Silly me!”

    Car Parked, Brain In Neutral

    | Downers Grove, IL, USA | Top

    Customer: “Hi, um, my car was stolen.”

    Me: “Well, okay, let’s go out and see where you’re parked.”

    (We walk into the parking lot.)

    Me: “Okay, where did you park?”

    Customer: “Right there, where the Prius is parked! God d***
    tree-hugging democrat piece of s***!”

    Me: “Okay, well, let’s go inside and call the police.”

    (While we wait for the police to come she makes some phone calls and then comes back into the office.)

    Customer: “Sorry, never mind. Turns out I drove the Prius today and not the Honda.”

    The Show Must Go On

    | Raleigh, NC, USA |

    (We’ve paused a film 10 minutes before the end because a customer’s pulse has stopped. Fortunately, there’s a doctor in another movie who is able to help out before the ambulance arrives.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, you stopped the movie. I wanted to see how it ended.”

    Me: “Ma’am, we’ll continue the movie when the ambulance leaves. Someone almost died.”

    Customer: “But we paid for our tickets. We deserve to see how it ends!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, you’ll just have to wait. We will continue the film as soon as we can.”

    Customer: “I can’t believe this! You stopped the film. We paid to see the whole thing.”

    Me: “No, we’re going to continue the film where it left off as soon as we’re sure this man’s life isn’t in danger. We had to stop so the EMTs could do their job.”

    Customer: “Could we get a refund?”

    Me: “No, I’m sorry, I can’t give you a refund because you’ll get to see the rest of the film if you wait. Refunds are only for situations where we can’t continue the film.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. I wanted to see how it ended!”

    Me: “Well, if you wait about 20 minutes I’m sure the EMTs will have had enough time and you can finish your movie. I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.”

    Customer: “I don’t believe this theater. We’re leaving!”

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