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    The Phone Is On, But No One’s Home

    | California, USA |

    Me: “Hey, How can I help you?”

    Customer: “Turn off my phone!” (She thrusts her cell phone at me, urging me to take it.)

    Me: “Um…okay. One moment.” (I look at the screen; the screen is blank.) “Are you sure it isn’t already off?”

    Customer: “Turn off my phone!”

    (I press one of the arrow keys to test if the phone is on, and the screen comes to life, informing me the keypad is locked.)

    Me: “Oh, it is on. But it’s locked. If you let me unlock it, I can-”

    Customer: “I don’t want you touching my phone!”

    Me: “But you-”

    Customer: “Can you turn my phone off or not?”

    Me: “No, sorry, I can’t.”

    Customer: *taking back the phone* “If this goes off in the theater, it’s not my fault!”

    Related:
    The Lights Are Off But Sadly Someones Home

    Coming Soon: My Big Fat Greek Divorce

    | Kansas City, MO, USA |

    (A man comes up to the box office with his wife.)

    Customer: “Two tickets, please.”

    Me: “Sure, what movie.”

    (Male customer just points at his wife. She does not notice.)

    Me: “Uh, sir, I need to know which movie you’d like to see.”

    (Continues to just point at his wife.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me.”

    Customer: “She’s a Big, Fat, Greek Woman!”

    Turn That Crown Upside Down

    | Bellingham, WA, USA |

    Me: “Do you have a Crown Club Card?”

    Customer: “Crown Club? More like Clown Club! What a worthless program!”

    Me: “Actually, if you had a Club Card today, you would get a
    coupon for a small popcorn for $1.”

    Customer: “Where do I sign up?”

    2-Dense

    | Pennsylvania, USA |

    Customer: “Hi, I would like 4 tickets for Avatar 3-D.”

    Me: “I’m sorry sir, we don’t have projectors capable of 3-D. We are showing Avatar in traditional 2-D. Is that alright?”

    Customer: “Oh, so no 3-D? Sure! Thanks for letting me know!”

    Me: “No problem sir. That will be $31.50.”

    (The customer pays for the 4 tickets.)

    Me: “Thank you very much. Enjoy your show!”

    Customer: “Thanks! Now where do we get our 2-D glasses?”

    Pray He Doesn’t Sit Behind You

    | Canada |

    (An old couple approach the auditorium I am ushering.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, madam, outside food and drinks are not allowed into our auditoriums. I’ll have to ask you to please dispose of these cups before you can go in.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. No problem.”

    (She throws away one of two cups into the garbage, and proceeds to walk in with the other one.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, you need to get rid of both of these drinks.”

    Customer: *points to her husband who is well on his way into the auditorium* “Oh, there’s nothing in that cup, that’s just for him to spit in.”


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