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    His Plan Is In The Toilet

    | Orlando, FL, USA | Liars & Scammers

    (I work in a movie theater that is inside a mall. Sometimes, the mall closes their restrooms so they use our restrooms instead.)

    Customer: “Can I use your bathroom?”

    Me: “Sure, they are right over there.” *points to restrooms*

    Customer: *walks past where I point*

    Me: “Sir, you walked past the restrooms.”

    Customer: “Well, I was going to use the ones in the back.”

    (I realize he’s just trying to sneak into a movie.)

    Me: “Well, the restrooms in the front are just as good as the ones in the back.”

    (The customer groans and walks into the restroom, but leaves only after a few seconds.)

    Customer: “F*** you, p****!”

    Me: “Have a good day, sir!”

    Now Showing The Fugitive

    | Federal Way, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal

    (I am outside in the box office by myself at night when a shady-looking guy walks up.)

    Customer: “Hi, when’s the very next show?”

    Me: “Twenty minutes.”

    Customer: “Okay, I’ll get a ticket to that one.”

    (This is very common for people who don’t care what they’re seeing and want to kill time, so I sell him a ticket for Harry Potter, which is the next movie. He walks away looking at the ticket.  A few minutes later, he comes back.)

    Customer: “You sold me the wrong ticket. You said Twenty Minutes.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, I thought you wanted the next show that was playing.”

    Customer: “Yeah, I do.  You sold me a ticket for Harry Potter.  I don’t want this movie. I want the other one!”

    Me: *confused* “I’m sorry, what movie did you want again?”

    Customer:Twenty Minutes.”

    Me: “We don’t have a movie called Twenty Minutes.  You asked when the next movie was.”

    Customer: “Well, whatever. I don’t want to see this.”

    Me: “Okay, I can change it for you. What movie would you like to see instead?”

    (He picks a different movie, and our policy for exchanges is to write over the ticket itself and initial it. Otherwise, you have to ring up a new sale to print out another one, thus making our tills short.)

    Customer: “You have to give me a new ticket.  This won’t work.”

    Me: “It will. The door people will know I changed it for you.”

    Customer: “But you wrote on it.  They’ll think I did it.  It won’t work!”

    Me: “Sir, I promise you, this ticket will work. Those are my initials, and they know them.”

    Customer: “No, you don’t understand. I’m under house arrest and I need proof of where I’ve been.  They’ll think I was the one who wrote on it.  I have the ankle bracelet and everything…” *ominously* “You want to come out and see?!”

    (I immediately printed out a new ticket for him!)

    Egg On Your Face

    | Washington, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I’m kind of petite, so when I’m in the box office I get a lot of kids who seem to think they can intimidate me into selling them R-rated tickets. This particular customer is a classmate of my little sister’s who annoys everyone by walking around repeating ‘I like eggs’ over and over and over again.)

    Kid: “Me and my friend want to see Beerfest.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t sell you the ticket.”

    Kid: “Excuse me?”

    Me: “You’re not 17.”

    Kid: “How the h*** do you know?”

    Me: “One, you don’t look it. Two, you’re in my sister’s class.”

    (The kid stomps off, and goes to the other side of the box office to try the same thing. When it doesn’t work, he comes back with his father.)

    Kid’s Father: “Let me get this straight. It’s a movie theater…and you can’t discriminate against customers…but you won’t let my boy into that movie because he’s too young?!”

    Me: “It’s rated R, sir.”

    Kid’s Father: *to his son* “You told me it was PG-13.”

    Kid: “She’s lying!”

    Me: “Sir, the marquee says it’s rated R. Any website you look at will say it’s rated R. There’s really no way to lie about it.”

    Kid’s Father: “I guess that means I have to go with him, huh?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Kid’s Father: *to his son* “That’s it. You’re waiting for DVD.”

    Kid: “This is so not fair! You can’t do this to me!” *to me* “Don’t you know who I am?!”

    Me: *calmly* “My sister tells me you like eggs.”

    Kid’s Father: *laughs hysterically* “If I could give you a high five, I would!”

    Aisle Always Need Directions

    | Houston, TX, USA |

    Customer: “I just walked in to the auditorium to see [movie title], and the movie is already playing.”

    Me: “May I see your ticket stub?”

    (She shows me her ticket stub while I continue to tear other customers’ tickets.)

    Me: “Ma’am, you chose to see [movie] for the 2:15 showtime. Do you want to watch that movie for the next showtime? The next one won’t be playing until 5 PM.”

    Customer: *irritated* “But the movie has already started! I don’t know what to do!”

    Me: “Well, since you have missed the first 45 minutes of the movie, I can only get you to wait until the next showtime. That, or we can get you either a rain check or a refund.”

    Customer: “Then tell me. What do you want me to do?!”

    Me: “You’ll have to go back to the box office and have them exchange your ticket for another ticket for the 5:00 showtime, or have them get you your refunds.”

    Customer: *starts yelling* “But I don’t want to do that! The movie already has started! You need to tell me what do I do!”

    Me: “Let me get you the manager.”

    Customer: “You don’t know anything!” *walks away*

    That’s The Way The Cookie Grumbles

    | Chesapeake, VA, USA | Food & Drink

    (I work at a movie theater that sells a popular brand of cookies. On weekends, we often sell out faster than we can bake. On this day, we are sold out.)

    Customer: “Do you have any cookies prepared?”

    Me: “No, ma’am, but—”

    Customer: “Let me speak to your manager!”

    (The manager is in the area and overhears.)

    Manager: “What can I help you with?”

    Customer: “I was told you don’t have any cookies!”

    Manager: “None that are ready to eat, but there are some in the—”

    Customer: “You should keep them stocked! If I can keep my cookie oven stocked, so can you! I only come to the theater for the cookies!”

    Manager: “Ma’am, I swear on my honor as a man that we will have cookies ready the next time you come in.”

    Customer: “You better!”

    (After she leaves, he dubs the woman the Cookie Monster. Now, whenever we run out of cookies, it’s a running joke to say “Hurry and bake more before the Cookie Monster comes for us!”)

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