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    Hair Apparent

    | Alberta, Canada |

    (Two guys around 15 years old show up.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, can I get one ticket to [movie]?”

    Me: “Sure. I’ll just need to see a piece of ID please.”

    Customer #1: “Oh, dang. I don’t have any ID.”

    Me: “Sorry, I’m afraid I can’t sell you a ticket. It is an adult-only movie.”

    Customer #1: “Can’t you just let us in anyway?”

    Me: “Sorry, not without ID.”

    Customer #1: “Well, hey, will this work?” *pulls out student ID card to a local high school*

    Me: “It doesn’t have your birthdate on it, so no, it won’t.

    Customer #2: “Well, can we pay you to let us in?”

    Customer #1: “Yeah, we’ve got money.”

    Me: *laughs* “Sorry, no.”

    (Ten minutes later, they return with Customer #1 holding his finger above his upper lip.)

    Customer #1: “Hey, I’ve got a mustache. Now can I have one to [movie]?”

    Me: “No.”

    Customer #2: “See, I told you that wouldn’t work!”

    At Least They Enjoyed The Spew

    | Cumming, GA, USA |

    (I’m doing exit greetings to the leaving guests and a woman walks out with her son.)

    Woman: “Just to let you know, my son threw up in there.”

    Me: “Oh…okay, ma’am. Thanks for letting me know.”

    Woman: “Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s fine. I pushed most of it under the seat anyway.”

    Not Seeing The Forest For The Greasy Trees

    | Birmingham, AL, USA | Food & Drink

    (I’m working the concession stand, and a customer has just ordered a jumbo popcorn.)

    Customer: “Is that real butter in the squirty thing?”

    Me: “It’s vegetable oil with artificial butter flavoring.”

    Customer: “Okay, gimme some of that.”

    Me: *squirting some butter* “There you go. Can I get you anything else?”

    Customer: “Little more, please?”

    Me: *squirt* “How’s that?”

    Customer: “Keep going. I’ll say when.”

    (I keep squirting until there’s about two inches of yellow oil in the bottom of the tub. The popcorn is starting to float out the top.)

    Customer: “Okay, that’s good.”

    Me: “Alright, then. Is there anything else you’d like today?”

    Customer: “Lemme have a Diet Coke. A small one. I’m trying to watch my weight.”

    Not Remotely Intelligent, Part 2

    | Frisco, TX, USA |

    (Due to a power outage, all movies have stopped. After employees visit each theater to tell customers what is happening, the power comes back on.)

    Me: “Ladies and gentlemen, we are going to get your movie back on screen in just a moment.”

    (The movie starts up. Unfortunately, when a projector gets cut off in the middle of the movie, it is about two minutes later in the film than when the power cut out.)

    Customer: “Rewind the movie!”

    Me: “I’m sorry, there is no way to rewind a film sir.”

    Customer: “Just use the remote!”

    Me: “Sir, movies on film are not like DVDs or VHS tapes. You cannot simply rewind it.”

    Customer: “Shut up and give me the remote, I’ll do it!”

    Related:
    Not Remotely Intelligent

    My Razor Valentine

    | Durham, NC, USA |

    Customer: “Excuse me, are you the manager? I want my money back. That movie is absolutely horrible.”

    Me: “Oh, what was wrong with it?”

    Customer: “Well, the title is very misleading. I thought Valentine’s Day was supposed to be funny, and it’s actually a creepy, disturbing movie about insane people!”

    Me: “Um, did you maybe go into the wrong theater? It sounds like you’re describing Shutter Island.”

    Customer: “Oh, that might be what happened, actually. Who is that guy in it, the main guy?”

    Me: “You mean Leonardo DiCaprio?”

    Customer: “Oh, I love him! I’m gonna go finish the rest of that movie now.”

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