I was with a couple of tangential acquaintances at a social event recently. The song “Barbie Girl” started playing in the background, and this couple looked at each other, muttered, and made faces like they smelled something awful.

Me: “You don’t like this song? It is awfully bouncy for background music, I suppose.”

Man: “No, it’s what the song represents.”

Me: “Oh, you mean the way the lyrics describe the singer as being a toy for her man to undress and play with?”

Man: “What are you talking about? It’s from that movie.”

Me: “The Barbie movie? No, it’s much older than that, and it doesn’t appear in the movie. In fact, the message of this song is pretty much the opposite of the movie. So, what didn’t you like when you saw Barbie?”

Man: “We would never watch that trash! It’s woke!”

At that point, they got up and left.

About thirty years ago, at a time when manga and Japanese animation were really booming in France, I was browsing in an audio and video store. I saw a VHS of “Urotsukidôji” next to “The Smurfs”, “Babar The Elephant,” “Beauty And The Beast”, “The Little Mermaid”, etc.

I flagged down a shop assistant who was passing by.

Me: “This movie is actually a p*rn movie with lots of gore and scary monsters. It belongs in the adult section.”

Assistant: “Nah, it’s a cartoon, so it goes with the other cartoons in the children’s section. Besides, it’s up to the parents to check the content beforehand and make sure that it’s appropriate for their kids.”

I take people on horseback rides.

Me: “Do you have any prior riding experience?”

Tourist: “Yeah! I’ve seen Yellowstone.”

Me: “The TV show?”

Tourist: “Yeah, so I know how to ride.”

Back when cable companies rule the airwaves, a caller notices a program that she wants to watch is just ending and immediately presses “Record” on her DVR/cable box.

She then realizes that she has only recorded the last five minutes of the program. She calls in angry to complain.

Caller: *Screaming bloody murder* “I’m overpaying for a DVR that doesn’t work!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid that because you started recording near the end of the program, you would only get to record the end of the program. Anything before would be—”

Caller: “It should record the entire program as soon as I begin recording!”

Me: “Ma’am, no DVR machine can do what you’re asking.”

Caller: “Why not?!”

Me: “Because it’s not a time machine.”

Caller: *Snidely* “That’s very poor service! That’s it! I’m getting a satellite dish!” *Click*

It is the early 1990s, and I am a teenager working in a video rental chain. A group of older teens comes in, and it’s obvious they’ve been doing pot.

Customer: “Have you got that… that movie? With the big and the little guy?”

Me: “What are their names?”

Customer: “You know! Like… Arnold Schwarznugget and Danny Dorito?”

Me: “Yes, I think we have that. We also have a bunch of snacks here if you’d like to munch on something while you watch the movie?”

Customer: “Oh, wooooow! We have the munchies, too, bro! How did you know?”

Me: “Lucky guess.”

Easiest upsell ever. I hope they enjoyed “Twins”!