Serious Lack Of Lumber-standing

| Ireland | Uncategorized

(A woman comes into my shop to buy some skirting board for her house. After a good long while of her calling home to find out the measurements of what she needs, I give her the price.)

Customer: “How long will it take?”

Me: “About a week and a half. It has to be made specially in our factory.”

Customer: “Well, that’s no good. I have to collect the children from school in a hour!”

Raceless Accusations

| Indiana, USA | Uncategorized

(One of my bosses is talking to me about a group of legal Mexican workers on our job site.)

Boss: “Look at all them being lazy, taking our jobs.”

Me: “Actually, we’ve been here for a month and we’re two and a half weeks behind. They’ve been here a week and they’re close to being done.”

Boss: “Well, I’ll bet they’re all illegal.”

Me: “They had to show their green card to the job site supervisor over there. I asked their boss.”

Boss: “How’d you ask that him? I bet he can’t even speak English!”

Me: “Actually, all but two of them speak pretty good English. I think one of them was even born in America.”

Boss: “Well d*** it! Could you just let me hate them?!”

The Trim Reaper

| Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

Customer: “Are these real trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

Me: “That’s right!”

Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

The Case Of The Choo-Choo Charlatans

| Pennyslvania, USA | Uncategorized

(I work as a photographer at a railroad station where people can dress up in old time clothes and sit in a prop made to look like a train.)

Customer: “Excuse me, does the train still function?”

Me: “Yes, if you go right outside you can buy tickets for the trains.”

Customer: “No, no. I meant that one.” *points to our fake train prop*

Me: “That’s just our background for the photos.”

Customer: “Yes, but does it still function? Can I ride it?”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s a prop. It’s fake.”

Customer: “But is it functional?”

Me: “No, it’s fake. It’s connected to the wall.”

Customer: “Well, that’s just dumb. I don’t know why you have it in here, then!”

The Land Of Milk And Money

, | Minnesota, USA | Bigotry, Top

(I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

Farmer: “Yeah.”

Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

Me: *pointed look*

Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*

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