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    Serious Lack Of Lumber-standing

    | Ireland | Uncategorized

    (A woman comes into my shop to buy some skirting board for her house. After a good long while of her calling home to find out the measurements of what she needs, I give her the price.)

    Customer: “How long will it take?”

    Me: “About a week and a half. It has to be made specially in our factory.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s no good. I have to collect the children from school in a hour!”

    Raceless Accusations

    | Indiana, USA | Uncategorized

    (One of my bosses is talking to me about a group of legal Mexican workers on our job site.)

    Boss: “Look at all them being lazy, taking our jobs.”

    Me: “Actually, we’ve been here for a month and we’re two and a half weeks behind. They’ve been here a week and they’re close to being done.”

    Boss: “Well, I’ll bet they’re all illegal.”

    Me: “They had to show their green card to the job site supervisor over there. I asked their boss.”

    Boss: “How’d you ask that him? I bet he can’t even speak English!”

    Me: “Actually, all but two of them speak pretty good English. I think one of them was even born in America.”

    Boss: “Well d*** it! Could you just let me hate them?!”

    The Trim Reaper

    | Illinois, USA | Uncategorized

    Customer: “Are these real trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “I mean, are they live trees?”

    Me: “Yes.”

    Customer: “So, we just go cut them down, right?”

    Me: “That’s right!”

    Customer: “Will it still be a live tree after we cut it down?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but cutting the tree down does mean the tree will die. However, if you water it daily, it should survive until Christmas.”

    Customer: “But you said those were live trees!”

    The Case Of The Choo-Choo Charlatans

    | Pennyslvania, USA | Uncategorized

    (I work as a photographer at a railroad station where people can dress up in old time clothes and sit in a prop made to look like a train.)

    Customer: “Excuse me, does the train still function?”

    Me: “Yes, if you go right outside you can buy tickets for the trains.”

    Customer: “No, no. I meant that one.” *points to our fake train prop*

    Me: “That’s just our background for the photos.”

    Customer: “Yes, but does it still function? Can I ride it?”

    Me: “Ma’am, it’s a prop. It’s fake.”

    Customer: “But is it functional?”

    Me: “No, it’s fake. It’s connected to the wall.”

    Customer: “Well, that’s just dumb. I don’t know why you have it in here, then!”

    The Land Of Milk And Money

    , | Minnesota, USA | Bigotry, Top

    (I am working at a packing house, cutting checks for local dairy farmers who sell us one or two cows at a time. They are given a scale ticket in the barn, which I use to cut a check.)

    Me: “Hi, can I have your scale ticket?”

    Farmer: “I’d like him to help me.” *points at a USDA associate*

    Me: “Sorry, sir, but he doesn’t work for us. He works for the USDA.”

    Farmer: “Well, I’d like you to find a MAN who can cut me a check for my cows.”

    Me: “I’m sorry, but none of the men that work here know how to cut checks. All our office staff members are women.”

    Farmer: “Don’t lie, you little hussy! Only men can run a business! You go back to making coffee!”

    Me: “Sir, you run a dairy farm, correct?”

    Farmer: “Yeah.”

    Me: “And you make money from the milk you sell?”

    Farmer: “That’s how a dairy farm works, sweetheart. Now get me a–”

    Me: “So, basically, milk is money to you?”

    Farmer: “Yes. Now get me a–”

    Me: “And does the milk come from male cattle?”

    Farmer: “Ha ha! NO!”

    Me: *pointed look*

    Farmer: *hands me the scale ticket*

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