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    State Of The Toilets Have Been Far Purse

    | VA, USA | Uncategorized

    Female guest: “Excuse me. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holders?”

    Me: “I’m sorry?”

    Female guest: “In the port-a-potties. Can you tell the boys to stop peeing in the purse holder?”

    Me: “Do you mean the urinals?”

    Technology To Shout About

    | London, UK | Uncategorized

    Me: “Hello sir, I’ve just come to put a microphone on you.”

    Client: “I hate those things. Do I need one? I can project.”

    Me: “You have an audio conference call on this event, so you need to speak into a microphone. Otherwise, people calling in won’t hear anything.”

    Client: “Can’t I just shout?”

    Me: “From London to Mumbai?”

    Leuk Who’s Talking

    | New Zealand | Uncategorized

    (A lady jumps the extremely long line to see Santa.)

    Lady: “Hey, do you mind if we go next? My son actually has leukemia and we need to get to the hospital to get his treatment.”

    Child: “Mum, I don’t have leukemia.”

    Lady: “I told you to SHUT UP!”

    Wearing Law Suits Will Get You Law Suits

    | Austin, TX, USA | Crazy Requests, Uncategorized

    (My friends and I are on a mock trial team. We’re all about sixteen, and we have to wear suits to court, like a real trial. We were using a courtroom that no one was using for the day. During a recess, the doors burst open and a woman storms in.)

    Woman: “I demand a lawyer!”

    Us: “Uh…”

    Woman: “You! You there!”

    Me: “Who, me?”

    Woman: “Yes! I want you to be my lawyer!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I’m not a real lawyer.”

    Woman: “But you’re in a courtroom! People in courtrooms are lawyers. That’s why I came here to get one.”

    Me: “We’re just using it because there’s no one here today. This is a mock trial.”

    Woman: “But you’ve got a briefcase!”

    Me: “Ma’am, that does have our case information in it, but it’s not a real case. This is mock trial. It simulates a trial. It’s supposed to be exactly like a real one, but…it’s…not.”

    Woman: “You’re not a real lawyer? I’m going to sue you for false advertisement. I bet you haven’t even gone to law school!”

    Me: “No, I haven’t. And that’s not exactly how suing someone works. I mean, would you sue Tom Cruise for playing a lawyer in A Few Good Men even though he’s not one?”


    Woman: “But…but you’re wearing a suit!”

    A Funny Lark That’s Tough To Swallow

    | North Carolina, USA | Uncategorized

    Me: “Raptor rehabilitation, can I help you?”

    Caller: “Yes. There’s a hawk swooping down eating the songbirds off of my bird feeder. Is there anything I can do?”

    Me: “Well, not really. You can try moving the feeder near a bush where the songbirds can hide.”

    Caller: “There are a lot of chipmunks where I live.”

    Me: “Yes?”

    Caller: “Do you think I can put up a sign telling the hawk to eat the chipmunks instead of the songbirds?”

    Me: “I don’t think that will work, sir. Hawks don’t read well.”

    Caller: “Oh. I’ll try it anyway.”

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