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  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Will Drive You To Despair

    | Tacoma, WA, USA | Criminal/Illegal, Extra Stupid

    (As an airman I am ‘volunteered’ to help with managing traffic and marshaling cars to their parking spots. While the traffic of cars is stalled I noticed a woman talking on her phone while driving. This was a few months after it became illegal to talk on your phone while driving in Washington. I walk up to her car to ask her to get off her phone while she parked as we already had multiple collisions that day.)

    Woman: *finally off the phone* “My boyfriend just told me that I need photo ID to get into the air show!”

    Me: “Ma’am, you need photo ID to be allowed to drive.”

    Not In His Salad Days Anymore

    , | WA, USA | At The Checkout, Extra Stupid, Food & Drink, Military

    (I am a civilian contractor at a military installation’s dining hall. Unlike some of the comfort facilities at the installation, we don’t have restrictions on who can dine here; as long as they can access the installation, they can eat. It is my turn to tear down the salad bar at the end of dinner. I have taken out all of the utensils and begun to pull the dishes, when an older man in civilian clothing comes up behind me.)

    Customer: “What are you doing with the salad bar?”

    Me: “I’m sorry, sir. Did you order a salad?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.” *gestures at the fruit mix at the end of the bar*

    Me: “So, you did order a salad bar?”

    Customer: “No, I just wanted to get a few of these.”

    Me: “Sir?”

    Customer: “Oh, you mean I have to order a salad bar to get things from the salad bar?”

    Me: “Yes, sir.”

    Customer: “Oh.”

    Making A Bad Impression

    , | Japan | Crazy Requests, Military, Politics

    (I am the operations manager of an overseas military TV and radio station. In place of regular commercials, we run locally-made information spots. We get feedback through an email system, mostly complaints about stuff out of our control, such as TV shows and music selections. A few months ago, we got an email from an irate listener complaining about a radio spot advertising the base library, where one of the producers did an imitation of former President George W. Bush. He was livid about the disrespect to our former Commander-In-Chief. I responded professionally, explaining we often use humor in our spots to make the information memorable, and the impression was fairly innocuous. He kept emailing back more irate, insulting military broadcasters, questioning our patriotism, accusing us of communism, etc. Finally, he came to our station to personally confront me. The following exchange occurred in our lobby.)

    Irate Marine: “Your excuses are just that! The ‘humor’ of that imitation is offensive and disrespectful! How dare you demean the former president!”

    Me: “Well, he didn’t seem to think so.”

    Irate Marine: “… What?”

    Me: *points to framed picture on the wall* “See that?”

    (It’s George W. Bush in our production room laughing with a young Marine.)

    Irate Marine: “He came here?”

    Me: “Years ago, I’m told. See that Marine in the photo? He’s the one who voiced and produced that spot. That photo was taken while he was playing the commercial for The President. He apparently has a better sense of humor about himself than you do.”

    Irate Marine: *walks out the door, mumbling* “Well, it’s STILL disrespectful!”

    Yukon Not Believe This Juan, Part 2

    | Richmond, VA, USA | Canada, Military

    (Canadian Army Reservists go to Fort Pickett in Virginia to train with the National Guard. I am in the last flight out of the U.S. and back to Nova Scotia. I am in my uniform, waiting for to be processed through security when a fellow traveler approaches me.)

    Traveler: “Thank you so much for protecting us! We are so proud of the bravery of soldiers defending the United States!”

    Me: “Thank you ma’am, but I’m not an American. I’m from the Canadian Army.”

    (She looks confused, so I point to the small Canadian flag on my shoulder.)

    Me: “You know, your friendly neighbours to the north?”

    Traveler: “Oh! Mexico!”

    Related:
    Yukon Not Believe This Juan

    Military In-Action

    | USA | Books & Reading

    (I work in the library at one of the Military Academies. As such, 90% of our students are military members, all in uniform. A student walks in immediately following me as I unlock the doors.)

    Me: “We don’t open until 7:30.”

    Student: “But I need to print something out.”

    Me: “The printers aren’t on yet, and have no paper in them. Come back at 7:30.”

    Student: “Not even for your country!?”

    Me: “No…”

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