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    If The Zits Don’t Kill You, The Angst Will

    | San Francisco, CA, USA | Top

    Me: Hello this is [doctor's office], how may I help you?”

    Caller: “Help! I’ve sprouted a nipple on my forehead!”

    (From the caller’s voice, I could tell that it was a female teenager.)

    Me: “Excuse me? If this is a prank, I can report you–”

    Caller: “No, this is not a prank! This morning I got up, and there was this huge, red lump on my forehead…and now I’ve poked it and this milk is coming out!”

    Me: “Hon, that’s a pimple, not a nipple.”

    Caller: “Oh…” *gasps* “Is it deadly?”

    Pint-Sized Purification

    | Portland, OR, USA |

    Caller: “Hi, do you have any doctors that prescribe detox drugs?”

    Me: “No, we don’t provide that service.”

    Caller: “How do you know? You have lots of doctors. How do you know?!”

    Me: “We don’t specialize in addiction treatment. Our doctors aren’t that type of practitioner.”

    Caller: “Why?! What if I need them to be?”

    Me: “Well, then you would have to call another office.”

    Caller: “What kind of doctor’s don’t prescribe detox meds?!”

    Me: “Pediatricians…”

    Caller: “Oh!” *hangs up phone*

    God, I Love Lawyers

    | USA |

    Me: “Okay sir, so I would just need you to verify your information and sign here–”

    *Patient cuts me off, snatches the clipboard and gives me this I’m-not-stupid look*

    Male Patient: “Listen, I don’t need you to tell me what to do. I’m a lawyer and I know how the system works!” *Sits down and starts looking over the paper work*

    (Five minutes later…)

    Male Patient: “Ma’am, where did you need me to sign??”


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