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    Doesn’t Seem To Get The Concept(ion)

    | Denison, TX, USA | Health & Body, Religion

    (I do the marketing and advertising for an OB/GYN. I overhear an interesting exchange.)

    Doctor: “You’re pregnant and you have an STD. You must have had some kind of sex to get pregnant.”

    Patient: “Well, Mary didn’t!”

    Giving Marriage A Bad Name

    | VA, USA | Funny Names, Love/Romance

    Customer: “Hi. I’d like to set up an appointment.”

    Me: “Okay. Can I have your last name?”

    Customer: It’s [Name] or it might be [Other Name]. I just changed my name.”

    Me: “Oh, congratulations!”

    Customer: “Actually, I changed back to my maiden name.”

    Me: “Oh! Oops… Congratulations?”

    Needs Glasses To See The Irony

    | Cornwall, England, UK | Health & Body

    (I work for a large chain opticians. One of our main competitors has a store three doors down.)

    Customer: “I have an appointment. My name is [Name].”

    Me: “Can I take your date of birth as well. I can’t seem to find your name on screen.”

    Customer: “It’s [date]. I know I have an appointment in five minutes with Mr. [Name].”

    Me: “We don’t have anyone here with that name and I can’t find you in our customer list. Are you sure the appointment isn’t with [Competitor]?”

    Customer: “Just because I need the test doesn’t make me blind! I know where my appointment is and I have the card to prove it!”

    (The customer throws his appointment card on the desk. It becomes immediately clear that he is supposed to be three doors down.)

    Me: “I’m sorry, Mr [Name]. That is [Competitor]’s card. You need to go there.”

    Customer: “Don’t give me that. I know where I am! Just because you’ve redecorated in the last week doesn’t mean you can pull the wool over my eyes.”

    Me: “I assure you, sir. You are in [My Opticians’]. This happens all the time.”

    Customer: “No! I want to speak to your manager! How dare you refuse to see me! I’ve been a customer of Mr [Name]‘s for years and—”

    (The customer looks closely at my uniform and the large logo on my shirt.)

    Customer: “Why didn’t you tell me I was in the wrong place? I’m going to be late because of you!” *runs out*

    A Walk-In That Runs Out

    | NV, USA | Family & Kids, Health & Body, Liars & Scammers, Top

    (I work as a secretary in my husband’s practice. We don’t take walk-ins, and it’s clearly stated on the front door, but people still try to see him without an appointment. One day, someone comes in while my husband is out having lunch.)

    Walk-In: “Hi, can I see Dr. [Name]?”

    (I already suspect something, since my husband would never schedule appointments during his lunch break.)

    Me: “What time is your appointment?”

    Walk-In: “I don’t have one.”

    Me: “I’m sorry; we’re by appointment only.”

    Walk-In: “That’s okay; I’m his brother. He’s expecting me.”

    Me: “Really? He didn’t tell me anything of the sort.”

    Walk-In: “Well, you’re just a silly secretary. You don’t need to know that sort of thing. Can I go see him now?”

    Me: “You said you’re his brother?”

    Walk-In: “Yes!”

    Me: “Well, that’s funny. You don’t look the least bit like him.”

    Walk-In: “Everyone says that.”

    Me: “Really?”

    Walk-In: “Look, b****, I don’t have time for this. Just—”

    (At this point, my husband has returned from lunch and has just heard the walk-in’s slur.)

    My Husband: “Excuse me! Don’t speak to her that way.”

    (The walk-in turns around and looks my husband square in the face.)

    Walk-In: “Hey, mind your own business, moron. This doesn’t concern you, so butt out.”

    Me: “Actually, it does concern him. That’s the doctor.”

    (The walk-in goes white in the face. My husband crosses his arms.)

    My Husband: “And moreover, that’s my wife you’ve just insulted.”

    Me: *sweetly* “How did you say you were related, again?”

    The Grandmother Of All Threats

    | CO, USA | Bad Behavior, Health & Body, Top, Wild & Unruly

    (I work in my stepdad’s medical office. I am about 10 minutes late due to a car accident delaying traffic. There is an older patient waiting outside the office.)

    Patient: *testily* “Why are you late?”

    Me: “I’m very sorry, ma’am. There was an accident on my way in delaying traffic. Let me unlock the door, and I’ll help you.”

    Patient: “Well, I was going to leave, but I’ll see Dr. [Name] now.”

    Me: “Once again, I’m very sorry, ma’am. He’s not in his office today. He’s doing school testing.”

    Patient: “This is unacceptable. Your sign says you’re open from 10-4 on Thursdays!”

    Me: “Ma’am, do you have an appointment?”

    Patient: “No, you stupid girl! I don’t need an appointment!”

    Me: “Well, our sign also says we don’t take walk-ins. So yes, you do need one.”

    Patient: “This is outrageous! Why can’t I see the doctor?”

    Me: “I just told you that, ma’am. Now I can schedule an appointment for you, or—”

    Patient: “You call the doctor and get him back here right now! If you don’t, I’ll have my grandson come by and beat you up!”

    Me: “Ma’am, I think you need to leave.”

    Patient: “Why? I’m paying you!”

    Me: “Because you just threatened to have me assaulted. If you do not leave immediately, I will call hospital security and have you escorted out.”

    (She doesn’t leave. She calls her grandson, who apparently turns down her offer for him to come and hurt me, and I call security. The following Monday, a young man about my age walks into the office. He is holding a bouquet of flowers.)

    Young Man: “Hi, are you the lady my grandmother asked me to beat up?”

    Me: “Yes, I think that would be me.”

    Young Man: *hands me the flowers* “I am so sorry. She does this every time she doesn’t get her way. I just wanted to thank you for being one of the few to not cave to her demands.”

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