Stop And Stair

| Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(A customer approaches one of the security guards.)

Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

(The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

Customer: “See, broken.”

Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

The Santa Photo Clause

| Oxford Valley, PA, USA | Uncategorized

(I work at a set where kids can get their picture taken with Santa. Among other things, we sell a CD with one picture on it.)

Customer: “What’s this I hear about a CD?”

Me: “Well, you can get a CD with one picture on it. You also get the rights to the picture so you can do anything you want with it after that!”

Customer: “But I have two kids! Why can’t they go together for the picture?”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure I follow.”

Customer: “I have two kids. I want them both in the picture!”

(The customer is holding up the line, and a woman behind him speaks up.)

Other customer: *joking* “Oh, didn’t they tell you? You have to pay using one child. Pick the one you like the best, and they’ll be in the picture. They keep the other kid.”

Customer: *horrified* “Oh my God! You’re all animals!” *hurriedly leaves*

Try Explaining That To Your Insurance Agent

| Aurora, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

(I work in security at a huge outlet mall. Occasionally, shoppers can’t find their car and we drive them around looking for it.)

Customer: “It seems my car was stolen. It definitely isn’t where I parked it.”

Me: “Okay, let’s drive around and just make sure it isn’t here.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was here a year ago and it got stolen then, also!”

(We drive around the lots and all of a sudden she starts yelling.)

Customer: “Oh my god I don’t believe it! It’s here!

Me: “That’s your car?”

Customer: “No! I mean yes! That’s my car from last year. That’s right, that IS where I parked it!”

Another Kid For Brangelina

| London, UK | Top

(I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

(Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

(Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

| Lawrenceville, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

Me: “What’s not?”

Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

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