Featured Story:
  • Always Time For A Rhyme
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  • Another Kid For Brangelina

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

    Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

    Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

    (Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

    Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

    Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

    (Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

    Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

    Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

    Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

    Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    | Lawrenceville, GA, USA |

    (At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

    Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

    Me: “What’s not?”

    Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

    Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

    Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

    Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

    Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”

    More Cars Than Common Sense

    | Dallas, TX, USA |

    (I work as a security officer in a mall. Every now and then, we’ll take shoppers to their cars in our “mall mobiles” as a public service.)

    Me: “Hi, how are y’all doing?”

    Husband: “Doing good. We just parked over there. We drive a black Lexus.”

    (I’m unable to find the car in the parking lot the couple thought they parked in. I tell the other officers to help search for it in the other lots and garages.)

    Wife: “What if the car got stolen?”

    Me: “Well, you could file a report with us and the police.”

    Wife: “That’s all? But what about our car?”

    Me: “That’s all we can do, ma’am.”

    (After a little over an hour, we finally declare the vehicle stolen.)

    Wife: “Our car got stolen! How could you let this happen? What’s the point of you guys, anyway? You’re completely useless! We spend our money here so you guys can get paid, and you can’t even keep our cars from getting stolen! So useless!”

    (They file a report with us as well as the city police, and they leave for home via taxi. After about an hour, the lieutenant comes over the radio.

    Lieutenant: “You can forget about that report. That couple got home and found their car in their garage. They forgot they drove a different car tonight.”

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