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  • Talking At-At Cross Purposes
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    Curiosity Kilt The (Peeping Tom)Cat

    | New Jersey, USA | Rude & Risque, Top

    (I’m working mall security when a hysterical woman comes up to me. She’s making no sense, but she keeps mentioning the word ‘quilt’.)

    Customer: “Quick! Quick!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please calm down and tell me what’s going on.”

    (The customer finally composes herself enough to form coherent sentences.)

    Customer: “There’s a man walking around in a quilt with nothing underneath it! You have to throw him out!”

    (Thinking she means there’s a flasher in the mall, I follow her to the food court. The customer grows more hysterical as we approach. There is nobody matching her description.)

    Me: “Ma’am, I don’t–”

    (She angrily points at a man in Scottish attire quietly enjoying a coffee.)

    Customer: “There he is! He’s scaring the children walking around like that!”

    Me: “Ma’am, please stop shouting. There is nothing illegal about his way of dress and there certainly is no telling whether or not he’s wearing anything underneath.”

    (At this point the man in question approaches us.)

    Man: “I wish to lodge a complaint against this woman. She’s been following me around and trying to get a look at…well…” *gestures at his kilt*

    Me: “Ma’am, is this true?”

    (The woman turns bright red and starts fidgeting uncomfortably.)

    Customer: “Well, I…but…what about the children?!” *storms off*

    Stop And Stair

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (A customer approaches one of the security guards.)

    Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

    Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

    Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

    Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

    (The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

    Customer: “See, broken.”

    Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

    The Santa Photo Clause

    | Oxford Valley, PA, USA |

    (I work at a set where kids can get their picture taken with Santa. Among other things, we sell a CD with one picture on it.)

    Customer: “What’s this I hear about a CD?”

    Me: “Well, you can get a CD with one picture on it. You also get the rights to the picture so you can do anything you want with it after that!”

    Customer: “But I have two kids! Why can’t they go together for the picture?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not sure I follow.”

    Customer: “I have two kids. I want them both in the picture!”

    (The customer is holding up the line, and a woman behind him speaks up.)

    Other customer: *joking* “Oh, didn’t they tell you? You have to pay using one child. Pick the one you like the best, and they’ll be in the picture. They keep the other kid.”

    Customer: *horrified* “Oh my God! You’re all animals!” *hurriedly leaves*

    Try Explaining That To Your Insurance Agent

    | Aurora, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work in security at a huge outlet mall. Occasionally, shoppers can’t find their car and we drive them around looking for it.)

    Customer: “It seems my car was stolen. It definitely isn’t where I parked it.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s drive around and just make sure it isn’t here.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was here a year ago and it got stolen then, also!”

    (We drive around the lots and all of a sudden she starts yelling.)

    Customer: “Oh my god I don’t believe it! It’s here!

    Me: “That’s your car?”

    Customer: “No! I mean yes! That’s my car from last year. That’s right, that IS where I parked it!”

    Another Kid For Brangelina

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

    Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

    Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

    (Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

    Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

    Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

    (Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

    Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

    Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

    Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

    Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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