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    Stop And Stair

    | Portland, OR, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (A customer approaches one of the security guards.)

    Customer: “Your escalators are broken.”

    Security: “What do you mean by broken?”

    Customer: “They aren’t moving.”

    Security: “Okay. Which one is it?”

    (The customer leads the security guard to the “escalator” and stands on the top step.)

    Customer: “See, broken.”

    Security: “Sir, those are stairs.”

    The Santa Photo Clause

    | Oxford Valley, PA, USA |

    (I work at a set where kids can get their picture taken with Santa. Among other things, we sell a CD with one picture on it.)

    Customer: “What’s this I hear about a CD?”

    Me: “Well, you can get a CD with one picture on it. You also get the rights to the picture so you can do anything you want with it after that!”

    Customer: “But I have two kids! Why can’t they go together for the picture?”

    Me: “Sir, I’m not sure I follow.”

    Customer: “I have two kids. I want them both in the picture!”

    (The customer is holding up the line, and a woman behind him speaks up.)

    Other customer: *joking* “Oh, didn’t they tell you? You have to pay using one child. Pick the one you like the best, and they’ll be in the picture. They keep the other kid.”

    Customer: *horrified* “Oh my God! You’re all animals!” *hurriedly leaves*

    Try Explaining That To Your Insurance Agent

    | Aurora, IL, USA | Extra Stupid, Top

    (I work in security at a huge outlet mall. Occasionally, shoppers can’t find their car and we drive them around looking for it.)

    Customer: “It seems my car was stolen. It definitely isn’t where I parked it.”

    Me: “Okay, let’s drive around and just make sure it isn’t here.”

    Customer: “This is ridiculous. I was here a year ago and it got stolen then, also!”

    (We drive around the lots and all of a sudden she starts yelling.)

    Customer: “Oh my god I don’t believe it! It’s here!

    Me: “That’s your car?”

    Customer: “No! I mean yes! That’s my car from last year. That’s right, that IS where I parked it!”

    Another Kid For Brangelina

    | London, UK | Top

    (I am the elf at a Santa’s Grotto display in a shopping centre. A very well-dressed, eloquent boy, no older than 5, sits on Santa’s lap.)

    Santa: “Merry Christmas, young sir! Have you been a good boy this year?”

    Boy: “Oh yes, Santa! I’ve been extra good all this year because mummy and daddy said if I am extra good, I can have whatever I want!”

    (Santa looks up to the smiling parents, who are nodding approvingly.)

    Santa: “Well, it does seem you have been EXTRA good this year! What would you like?”

    Boy: “Angelina Jolie.”

    (Santa looks again at the parents, who continue to smile and nod like this is a standard request.)

    Santa:“You’d like Angelina Jolie for Christmas?”

    Boy: “Because I’ve been extra good!”

    Santa: “I’m sorry little guy, I don’t think she would fit in my sack.”

    Boy: “Oh don’t worry, I don’t want Brad Pitt. You can give him to someone else!”

    Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

    Neither Gratis Nor Grateful

    | Lawrenceville, GA, USA |

    (At the mall one day as a customer, I get tired and try to find a place to sit. All the benches are taken, so I sit in one of the coin-op massage chairs. Another customer in the chair next to me turns to talk.)

    Other customer: “This isn’t all that great.”

    Me: “What’s not?”

    Other customer: “This chair. I hardly feel a thing!”

    Me: “That’s odd. I guess I won’t pay for a massage, then.”

    Other customer: “Pay? It isn’t free?”

    Me: “No, you have to put some money into the coin slot there. I guess that’s why yours isn’t working.” *laughs*

    Other customer: “Why are you laughing?” *hands me a dollar* “Make it vibrate!”


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