The Adults Are Naughty, The Kids Are Nice

| Nobelsville, IN, USA | Holidays

(Over the holidays, I work as a Santa that little kids can take pictures with. One particularly large family cames through with just one little girl. She comes to me and we take a picture. While the rest of the family is looking at the previews for the picture, I’m talking to the child.)

Me: “And what would you like for Christmas this year?”

Girl: *goes through a few things*

Me: “Anything else?”

Girl: “Crabs.”

(I pause for a moment and look up at the family with widened eyes.)

Me: “Did I hear her right?”

Family member: “What did she say?”

Girl: “I want crabs.”

(The entire family bursts out laughing at this point. One of the family members holds off laughing just long enough to describe to me a toy crab that the girl’s been asking for.)

Me: “Oh, whew! I didn’t know what to think!”

Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

| Davenport, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

(I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

(The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

Me: “What’s going on?”

Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

All I Want For Christmas Is You

| Toronto, Ontario, Canada | Uncategorized

(I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Female security guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

The Son You Wish You Had

| Concord, NH, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

(I am a greeter for the line to get pictures taken with Santa. A young mother and her two-year-old walk in.)

Me: “Hi! How are you folks doing today? Some little guy sure is adorable!”

Mom: “Hi! Oh, thanks! He looks just like Justin Bieber!”

Me: “Er…congratulations?”

A War Unwon

| Sacramento, CA, USA | Bigotry, Military, Top

(I am on leave and meeting an old friend in a restaurant inside a mall. Since I don’t know the area, I get there early and decide to window-shop beforehand. An old guy in his 80s approaches me.)

Customer: “I remember the good days when I didn’t have to see many of you orientals. Now, you’re everywhere stealing our jobs. All you do is get in the way and take from my great country.”

Me: “Sir, I’m a Marine. I’ve been in Afghanistan on multiple tours for the last three years. I serve OUR great country.”

Customer: “Oh! That’s good. Better you than losing some American boys.”

(I think about how the Marines trained me to survive everything an enemy can throw at us, but not how to listen to an old racist white man.)

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