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    Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

    Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

    (The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

    All I Want For Christmas Is You

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

    (I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Female security guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

    The Son You Wish You Had

    | Concord, NH, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

    (I am a greeter for the line to get pictures taken with Santa. A young mother and her two-year-old walk in.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you folks doing today? Some little guy sure is adorable!”

    Mom: “Hi! Oh, thanks! He looks just like Justin Bieber!”

    Me: “Er…congratulations?”

    A War Unwon

    | Sacramento, CA, USA | Bigotry, Military, Top

    (I am on leave and meeting an old friend in a restaurant inside a mall. Since I don’t know the area, I get there early and decide to window-shop beforehand. An old guy in his 80s approaches me.)

    Customer: “I remember the good days when I didn’t have to see many of you orientals. Now, you’re everywhere stealing our jobs. All you do is get in the way and take from my great country.”

    Me: “Sir, I’m a Marine. I’ve been in Afghanistan on multiple tours for the last three years. I serve OUR great country.”

    Customer: “Oh! That’s good. Better you than losing some American boys.”

    (I think about how the Marines trained me to survive everything an enemy can throw at us, but not how to listen to an old racist white man.)

    Full Of Soda And Fury, Signifying Nothing

    | Wisconsin, USA | Food & Drink, Top

    (I work at a fast food restaurant in a food court in a mall. Our kid meals come in “to go” bags, regardless if the order is to go, or not. A mother comes up to my register and orders two kids meals bags to go.)

    Me: “Here is your order. Do you want any sauces or ketchup?”

    Customer: “I said I wanted this to go.”

    (I look down at her order a bit confused.)

    Me: “I’m sorry. Did you want a cup carrier for the drinks?”

    Customer: “No, stupid! I want to have a to go bag for my food.”

    Me: “But your food is in bags.”

    Customer: “Just give me a d*** bag.”

    (I give the mother two of our biggest bags which are the same size as the kids meal bags.)

    Customer: “I only need one!”

    (The customer shoves the two kids meals into the one bag and crams the drinks in as well. To top it off, she rolls the tops of the bag down, further crushing the drinks. Then, she shoves the entire mess into her large purse.)

    Customer: “See! Look how much of an idiot you are!”

    (She walks away in a huff, with her purse dripping soda behind her.)


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