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    When There’s A Will, There’s No Way

    | Buford, GA, USA | Geography

    Customer: “Could you please tell me where the restrooms are?”

    (I point in the direction of the restrooms.)

    Me: “Yes, sir, it is right there beside the bakery.”

    (The customer points in the opposite direction.)

    Customer: “Beside the chocolate store?”

    (I point again at the restrooms.)

    Me: “No, sir, beside the bakery. Right there.”

    (The customer points in the wrong direction again.)

    Customer: “Over there?”

    Me: “Sir, it is between the food court and the bakery. Right there.”

    Customer: “Oh, okay. I got ya.” *walks off in the wrong direction*

    The Adults Are Naughty, The Kids Are Nice

    | Nobelsville, IN, USA | Holidays

    (Over the holidays, I work as a Santa that little kids can take pictures with. One particularly large family cames through with just one little girl. She comes to me and we take a picture. While the rest of the family is looking at the previews for the picture, I’m talking to the child.)

    Me: “And what would you like for Christmas this year?”

    Girl: *goes through a few things*

    Me: “Anything else?”

    Girl: “Crabs.”

    (I pause for a moment and look up at the family with widened eyes.)

    Me: “Did I hear her right?”

    Family member: “What did she say?”

    Girl: “I want crabs.”

    (The entire family bursts out laughing at this point. One of the family members holds off laughing just long enough to describe to me a toy crab that the girl’s been asking for.)

    Me: “Oh, whew! I didn’t know what to think!”

    Be Prepared For Explosive Flavor

    | Davenport, IA, USA | Crazy Requests, Food & Drink

    (I’m eating in the mall food court when I see an angry man approaches a security guard. It looks serious, so I try to listen to their conversation. I only hear a few fragments.)

    Angry guy: “Security alert…suspicious item…chemical spill…At other places, the security staff works in conjunction with the local police, bomb squad, and haz-mat team! [Nearby military base] is pretty high on al-Qaeda’s list of targets. I don’t feel safe at all!”

    (The angry guy stomps off. I’m a little worried at this point, so I walk up to the security guard.)

    Me: “What’s going on?”

    Security guard: “Nothing. Somebody left an open can of Coke in the middle of the floor.”

    All I Want For Christmas Is You

    | Toronto, Ontario, Canada |

    (I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

    Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

    Female security guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

    The Son You Wish You Had

    | Concord, NH, USA | Family & Kids, Holidays

    (I am a greeter for the line to get pictures taken with Santa. A young mother and her two-year-old walk in.)

    Me: “Hi! How are you folks doing today? Some little guy sure is adorable!”

    Mom: “Hi! Oh, thanks! He looks just like Justin Bieber!”

    Me: “Er…congratulations?”


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