It is around 2010, and our store sells mostly electronic entertainment equipment such as TVs, games, consoles, etc. We used to have a huge music section, but that’s been gradually shrinking as the world moves to streaming. We do still get a small but loyal group of customers coming in looking to buy CDs.

Customer: “Do you know that dance song: Wh*res Who Dance?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer: “You know, it goes like… da, da da, da da da da daaaaah.”

Crazily enough, I know the song she’s referring to since it is from a popular Belgian DJ in the charts at this time.

Me: “Do you mean Alors On Danse? It’s in French.”

Customer: “Well, I guess the French are a bit promiscuous…”

Some years ago, I was working in a minor management position in the Civil Service. I was about to go on maternity leave for six months. My assistant manager was covering part of my duties, and the company had brought in a temp to cover the rest. I was to spend a week training her before I took off.

My department had quite a relaxed atmosphere; I’m one of those bosses who are happy for people to chat and socialise a little as long as all the work is completed first. We were a small team and relatively close, and everyone went out of their way to make the temp feel welcome.

She had only been in the office for around four hours, training with me to use our computer system, when she complained that she had a headache and wanted to go out and buy some painkillers. I suggested that she take her lunch break, pick up the tablets she wanted, and get some fresh air away from the screen.

She went off… and never returned! The company contacted the temp agency later and was given the feedback that I seemed too happy and positive, and she didn’t want to work in a place like that. Personally, I wouldn’t want to work in a place that wasn’t like that…

This story reminded me of a story my granddad tells of his brief time as a college lecturer. 

Granddad worked for the same bank for his entire career, working his way up in seniority. When my grandma got sick, he decided that he wanted to spend more time looking after her, so he changed jobs and took up a part-time lecturing role at a college, teaching about banking and accounting.

Part of Granddad’s duties as a lecturer involved setting and marking the final exam based on the content he’d taught during the year. As an inherently fair person, he made sure that everything he asked on the test had been covered at some point in his classes, although that also included tangential subjects that weren’t strictly part of the curriculum but had been discussed anyway. 

Once he’d completed the marking, he was called into the boss’s office during moderation.

Boss: “Now then, [Granddad]. I see that you’ve awarded [Student] full marks on his final exam?”

Granddad: “Yes, that’s right. [Student] has worked very hard this year, and it’s paid off. He answered every question correctly and provided a high level of justification, showing that he also understands why he got the right answers.”

Boss: “Well, okay. But we never give 100% to anyone. That suggests that their answers were perfect and there’s nothing they could do better.”

Granddad: “Yes, that’s what I’m saying. [Student] has done everything flawlessly. If he were my employee in the bank, I’d give him a bonus for exceeding expectations.”

Boss: “No, no, no, you don’t understand. We never give anyone 100%. The highest score we ever award is 97%. You need to change your mark to give [Student] 97%. It’s still an excellent score, and it won’t affect his overall grade.”

Granddad: “But it’s not true! [Student] achieved a perfect score! He couldn’t have done anything more unless he’d taught the course himself! I will not punish that. If your marking system only goes up to 97%, then you’re telling me that 97% is actually 100% which, as a bank manager, I can tell you doesn’t make any mathematical sense! [Student] will receive full marks for his assessment because that’s what he deserves.” 

The student kept his perfect score. Granddad went back to the bank shortly after this exchange. He decided that academia wasn’t for him.

Related:
That’s One Ten-se Review

We have this obnoxious guy in the office who ticks off so many annoying boxes. He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, he’s loud and crass with all his achievements (both work- and non-work-related), and he likes to boast about things that are obviously fake or impossible. “Oh, some kid finally beat Tetris? Pfft! I did that when I was a kid on my first try!”

I’ve come back from a week’s annual leave, and he passes me by.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, you’re back. You couldn’t even get a decent tan when you were away?”

Me: “Well, it’s hard to get a tan when you’ve been indoors all week.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “What a waste of a holiday to be indoors!”

Me: “It wasn’t really a holiday, more of a competition. I was competing in a Judo tournament.”

Obnoxious Coworker: *Snorts* “Hah! Whatever.”

Me: “I placed third.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “You’re havin’ me on!”

Me: “I assure you I’m not.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “A skinny twig like you does Judo?”

Me: “I do Judo because I’m a skinny twig. It’s great for figuring out how to take down stronger and larger opponents.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “I bet I could still take you on with an arm behind my back.”

Me: “I doubt that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Oh, yeah? Come on, then. Come at me!”

Me: “I’m not going to do that.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “That’s what I thought.”

Me: “It’s not that. I don’t want to be at the center of a Human Resources incident where I caused you any injury—”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come on! Don’t be a p***y! Come at me! I dare ya!”

Me: “You dare me? What are you, eleven?”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Come at me!”

In his excitement, he actually comes at me! Instead of trying to make a display, I simply slide to the side, using my foot to easily trip him up. Honestly, it isn’t even a Judo move, just a simple tripping up. He falls to the ground, more embarrassed than hurt. He glares at me and storms off, but he is literally back a minute later with one of the managers, who is also an HR manager. This manager has been having a coffee in the breakroom — in full view of our encounter, I might add.

Obnoxious Coworker: “Well! You saw him trip me up on purpose, didn’t you?”

HR: “I saw you fall.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “Because he tripped me!”

HR: “Well… you did dare him.”

Obnoxious Coworker: “This is ridiculous!” *Storms off*

Me: “So, I’m good?”

HR: “You’re good. Try to resist the urge to ‘Judo Chop’ him if you can.”

Me: “That’s gonna be a struggle…”

Thankfully, [Obnoxious Coworker] ignored me for the rest of the day. Bliss!

I work in high-end glass and china retail. A woman comes storming in with a teapot.

Customer: “I want a refund on this! It’s gone all black inside!”

Me: “Well, that’s the tea; it stains the pot. It can’t be helped. You just have to clean it off.”

Customer: “And how am I supposed to do that?”

Me: “You can put it in the dishwasher, bleach it, or use denture cleaning tablets.”

Customer: “Okay, I’ll have some of those, then.”

Me: “They sell them in any pharmacy or supermarket.”

Customer: “Don’t you sell them?”

Me: “Um, no.”

Customer: “Well, you should! Shoe shops sell stuff for cleaning shoes, don’t they?!”

I suppose she had a point.