(Two women come into my grandpa’s locksmith shop and are saying really obnoxious things in Russian.)

Woman 1: “Careful, I think he may speak Russian.”

Woman 2: “That oaf? No way.”

Woman 1: “Maybe he does.”

Woman 2: “He doesn’t.”

Grandpa: *in Russian* “He does.”

(I have been called to change the lock on a mailbox.)

Me: “Okay, I’ll change it. Which one is it?”

Customer: “Fourteen.”

Me: “Okay. Well, there are four mailboxes here, and they all have a 14 on them. Which box is it?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Can you just open them all?”

Me: “That would be a Federal crime. None of your lease information has a box number?”

Customer: “Really, if you open them all, I promise I’ll put the other people’s mail back. Pretty please?”