I’m a volunteer at the Lisbon Zoo. I’m basically a greeter/supervisor at a huge walk-in exotic bird enclosure. The bird population within mostly consists of lorikeets of both the red and multi-coloured variants, but we also have three toucans. You know, the toucan: that small, black bird with the huge orange beak — the exact polar opposite of a pelican: that HUGE, WHITE bird with the pale yellow beak. Yet, I can’t count the number of times this happens.

Visitor #1: *Walks in, sees one of the toucans.* “Hey, look, a pelican!”

At the time it happens, there is a hugely successful ad campaign on TV for a tropical-flavoured Brazilian drink, which involves animatronic talking toucans. A family walks into the enclosure, and one of our toucans is standing right by the entrance.

Visitor #2: “Hey, a toucan! But why’s it not talking?”

At least this guy got the bird species right, though!

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A couple of friends and I go to the Oceanarium and we are in line to purchase our tickets. Ahead of us in the queue is an American family with their son. 

Customer: “Three tickets.”

Employee: “All right. Is your son over twelve years old?”

Customer: “No. And I am a veteran.”

Employee: “Okay, so one child and two adult tickets; that will be [price].”

Customer: “That’s too expensive. Did you apply a discount for me being a veteran?”

Employee: “There is no such discount. Children, senior, and family discounts are all we have, and a family discount requires you to have two children under the age of twelve.”

Customer: “That’s completely unacceptable. I have served in the Marines and I deserve a discount.”

Employee: “As I already told you, there is no discount for that. You might have served in the military, but that was not in Portugal, so it makes no sense for you to get a discount here. And even if you had served in Portugal, we have no discounts for people in the military.”

Customer: “I want to speak to your manager.”

The employee calls the manager.

Employee: “He is unavailable at this time; he’ll need at least thirty minutes before he can come here.”

Customer: “Is that the service you give customers in Europe? I demand to speak to a manager immediately.”

Employee: “As I have told you, he’s unavailable for the next thirty minutes. Right now, you have three options: you pay [price]; you step aside and I can give you our complaints book so you can make a written complaint; or you leave the queue.”

Customer: “I think I will just wait here for the manager.”

Employee: “That is not a possibility, I’m afraid. You are holding up other customers, and that is not okay. You’ll have to choose, now, one of the three options I have just presented to you; otherwise, I will call security and they will choose for you.”

Customer: “Fine! Back in the States, we can see better fish, anyway!”

And at that, he and his family turned around and left, but not before throwing all the Oceanarium maps and pamphlets on the ground.

(For some reason, tourists, especially American tourists, assume Portuguese people can speak Spanish, and consider it acceptable to approach someone and speak to them in Spanish — in horrible Spanish, I must say. Contrary to their beliefs, we Portuguese despise being spoken to in Spanish, as it is not our language. It is a sunny summer day. I am walking through Lisbon, and I have already been spoken to in Spanish four times. This fifth time, I have had enough. Beside Portuguese, I am also fluent in German.)

Stranger: *in Spanish* “Hello. Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in English, hoping they’d catch the clue* “Hello. I am sorry. I couldn’t understand you; could you repeat yourself, please?”

Stranger: *in Spanish, once again* “Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in German* “Ah, of course, Rossio. You just go straight ahead, turn left at the next…”

Stranger: *interrupting me, in English this time* “I don’t speak that gibberish. Can’t you speak in a language I understand?”

Me: *in English, before walking away* “And I don’t speak Spanish. If you’re in Portugal and need something, speak Portuguese or English!”

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 2
Totally Estupido